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Platonic feelings or romantic? Squish or crush?


David
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I'll start by saying that I am pretty convinced that I am both aro and ace, since I've never had a crush in my life on anyone, despite being in my mid thirties. I almost never feel emotionally attached to anyone, so I don't even think I've ever had a squish before.

The thing though, is that over the past few months I become quite emotionally attached to this girl that I have been talking to online, who is a friend of my sisters. I have met her before irl a couple of years ago, but we never really talked much. So when she recently told me that she was done with romance and instead was just going to marry her best friend (who is not me) and live the rest of her days like that, I just felt devastated. I assumed this was due to me having some romantic feelings for her, but I do not think that is the case, as I really don't want to do anything romantic/sexual or even physical with her, except just give her a huge hug. What I instead think has me devastated is that I wish I was that best friend and could spend the rest of my life with her, to the point that I am almost depressed that it's not going to be the case.

Most of all, I am just very confused by this. I suppose I wonder if it's possible to feel so strongly for someone on a purely platonic level? An intense squish perhaps?

Maybe someone here has experienced something similar? Like wanting some sort of QPR with someone only to find out they also want that, but with someone else?
 

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I saw this, and while I cannot say that I have ever felt that, I think it is possible to feel a squish that strong. As someone who doesn't verbalize what I want much, I would say to ask her if she would be in a qpr with someone else. It is not bad, you are just asking a question. If you do not ask her, you will not know what she thinks. Now, this may just be a phase for her, that she got a bad relationship and she is saying what she thinks at the moment and is not thinking long-term. If you are serious about it, and you know she will be too, then maybe something can blossom. Also, this is my opinion, but you can be her best friend while not being in a qpr, that is cool. It all depends on her and you. Being with someone in a qpr doesn't mean that everyone else is less important, that would be what allos call a relationship not a qpr.

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I can completely relate to your feelings and I have felt a squish like that to someone before. Wanting a qpr with someone is called queerplatonic attraction and that is more intense feelings than platonic attraction. 

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it is absolutely possible to have such strong platonic feelings.  my best friend is my favourite person, i would unofficially marry her, and i would be completely heartbroken if she ever didn't want to be my best friend anymore.  we have been friends for almost 17 years; i don't feel such a deep connection to anyone i've only known for a few years or less, but i do love my friends and get plenty of squishes.  in my experience they're a comparatively more superficial platonic attraction, like i kind of "get over" them, like crushes (supposedly--i've never had one).  sorry to hear about the situation with your friend, i do hope you find the sort of relationship(s) you'd like.

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It is very possible to feel strongly for people for all kinds of reasons. I have not experienced this in particular, but I have had feelings of, for example, jealousy come at me from unexpected directions. In an "I didn't even know this was something I wanted" sort of way. Maybe the wish to be close to her is coming to the forefront more intensely now that you know she has a person she likes more than you, in a way that wasn't obvious before. Perhaps the realization that you want a relationship like that increases the effect. Like, you want somebody to spend your life with like that and this person is now the focus of that wish since she's the one who made you aware of it. Possibly these two in combination. I don't really have advice, just points for thinking I guess. If it is coming partly from the concept of a relationship like that, and not just the person herself, then that is a good thing to know about yourself going forward. Then you know what to look for.

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Guest mozart

I can very much relate to the emotional attraction. Whenever I had this feeling in the past I always had a dialogue like this with myself:

"Maybe you just like her very much as a friend?"

"No, it can't be because it's much stronger."

"Then it has to be romantic attraction. Why don't you confess to her or ask her out on a date?"

"Because I don't feel like wanting to be in a romantic relationship with her. It would just be weird for me and I would probably break up soon."

"So what else do you want?"

"I just want to hug them and be close to them."

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