Am I overthinking myself?

[Blake]

So to cut to the chase, I like to overthink when I am dreaming. And in one of my dreams I asked myself if I was really pansexual or not. I have identified as pansexual the last 10 years of my life and I was fine with that label, because I could visualize myself in a sexual encounter with anyone regardless of the gender identity. But now, having been in a relationship and breaking up and being happy without a partner for years I began to question my sexual identity.

This is because I feel sexual attraction toward people, but I can live without it. I don't miss sex at all, I don't crave it and the only scenario I would think I would have sex again is if the person blatantly express it 100% in my face. So having said all that, and knowing 100% I am aro, I ask what to make of my situation. Because even though I do feel sexual attraction, it is not a big deal at all for me. Would I be an sex positive ace? Or what would I be? I know that I am me, but my sexual label is being threatened by no other than me and I am confused :3

Any advice and help will be warmly welcomed ^^ cuz maybe I am pansexual but I have created doubt in me and now need help clearing my thoughts

[Autumn]

I think it comes down to which label you feel most comfortable with; on paper your experiences sound like they could fall under a number of labels. There's no reason you can't be a pansexual who just doesn't feel a strong need or desire for sex despite having the attractions for it. Pan grey-ace also sounds similar to what you describe, since the 'grey' part is broad enough to cover any quality that makes identifying fully as allo feel wrong. Sex-positive asexual could apply to the grey part as well, though I often see it used to describe people who are favorable towards sex despite not having the attraction; but there's no reason you couldn't use it if it felt the most natural to you. All in all though, if pansexual still feels the most 'right' or such, then I don't think what you've described is enough to make it flat-out inaccurate. Just a different experience with sexuality than what people think of as the 'norm'.

[Blake]

Thanks @Autumn, if anyone else has an opinion I would like to listen to it. I like having more than one to make my decision or in this case to make my mind.

[nonmerci]

I agree with  @Autumn. With the information you gave, any label could fit.

If you feel sexual attraction it is likely you are allosexual but just don't miss sex.

But you could also be in the grey area, with not very intense sexual attraction, or feel it only under certain circumstances (in that case maybe if someone flirt with you first).

And it is also possible that you are a sex favorable ace who confused his interest for sex for sexual attraction.

 

When do you feel sexual attraction? It is something that is directed to someone? Or is it something you can picture yourself do when you daydream but isn't cause by a specific person?

[Blake]

12 hours ago, nonmerci said:

When do you feel sexual attraction? It is something that is directed to someone? Or is it something you can picture yourself do when you daydream but isn't cause by a specific person?

Tbh I only feel sexually attracted when I bond with the person over something or if is aesthetically pleasing for me (which is hard). If there is no bond there is zero sexual attraction. Also on both scenarios I would have sex only as an activity to pass time, I do not derive a lot of pleasure from it since for me eating a dessert has equal or more joy.

It is not directed at anyone specific, I see people that fulfill my criteria as equals.

I daydream it a lot but I have no urge to act upon it. I see someone in the streets and say in my mind "yep i would have sex with you" but that is it. It is like that with 99% people.

The 1% has been 2 people, 1 of them I wanted to emotionally bond with because I just wanted to be as close as possible with them. The other one is my best friend but they are off-limits for me because they are in a closed relationship. However, I told them as compliment that they was the other person that I would actually care to have sex with, even though we would never be somethinf because we are polar opposites in a lot of things.

 

Basically I am confused cuz i know there are some labels I could be but it is too general and I suck at explaining. You can continue to ask questions and I will fill all the blanks I can. ^^ thanks for your help

[aro_elise]

sounds more like sex-neutral allo (pan, as you say), or at least gray-pansexual, since sexual orientation has to do with attraction, and sex-favourable/positive, neutral/indifferent, and negative/repulsed refer to attitude regarding having sex.

i'm unsure of whether or not i would consider you demi.

On 2/20/2021 at 2:29 AM, Blake said:

Tbh I only feel sexually attracted when I bond with the person over something or if is aesthetically pleasing for me (which is hard). If there is no bond there is zero sexual attraction.

this sounds very demi, but...

On 2/20/2021 at 2:29 AM, Blake said:

I see someone in the streets and say in my mind "yep i would have sex with you"

this does not.  being definitely allosexual myself, i can relate to that.  doing something about it is a different thing, i've yet to hit on a dude i see on the street.  

there is a difference between not wanting to have sex with someone until you form a bond and actually being unable to be sexually attracted to them until then.  i've seen people erroneously claim that "demisexuality is normal" because "most people don't have sex with strangers"--this is the difference they're not understanding.  demisexuality is not "normal," that is to say not common, in that the vast majority of people can be sexually attracted to people they haven't even met, for example celebrities. 

so anyway, maybe somewhere on the spectrum, but if you feel sexual attraction at all, that contradicts the definition of asexuality, like full-on asexual.  of course the way you label your orientation is up to you, but since you asked for insight i'm providing it based on definitions.

[nonmerci]

I completely forgot to answer, partly because I was thinking an allo insight would be more helpful. Anyway I would have said the same thing as @aro_elise. If I can add something...

3 hours ago, aro_elise said:

On 2/20/2021 at 8:29 AM, Blake said:

I see someone in the streets and say in my mind "yep i would have sex with you"

this does not.  being definitely allosexual myself, i can relate to that.  doing something about it is a different thing, i've yet to hit on a dude i see on the street.  

Indeed as an asexual this is not something I think about when I see strangers in the streets. Well to be honest I don't actually watch people so this is unlikely lol. Now I'm not sex-favorable and having sex never really sound as something I wanted to do, so I don't know.

Maybe you should wonder why you didn't seem to think about it as attraction, contrary to what happened after you bond with someone. What differs in both experience? What are the feelings involved? Is it intellectualize or is it something spontaneous? I don't really know how it works for allo (maybe @aro_elise can tell), but when I picked up crushes because of internal amatonormativity, it was something that I intellectualize : I picked up guys and thought about their quality to wonder if they would make a good boyfriend or not. It was not soething I felt but something I chosed. Is it the case for you with sex, or does the attraction come first?

 

[Blake]

4 hours ago, aro_elise said:

 doing something about it is a different thing, i've yet to hit on a dude i see on the street.  

I understand you. I have never done it before either because I don't like to make uncomfortable anyone and feel pressure into anything. But more on the subject, I don't express it any further than a comment for myself in my mind nor would I act on it if circumstances where not 1000% clear and structured.

 

4 hours ago, aro_elise said:

there is a difference between not wanting to have sex with someone until you form a bond and actually being unable to be sexually attracted to them until then. 

I read this and had to think about it and it super hard about it because I now noticed that I really have no idea if I feel sexual attraction or not.

I choose my friends based on our mutual interests. I have only been in 1 relationship and I disliked the romantic part from start to end. But the sexual part I now am thinking about it and I just had sex to comply with the expectations of being in one not because I wanted it. It is not that I do not like it, but that I feel nothing of the act itself.

The next paragraph is a bit about me and one of the roots of the problem but is not for everyone so I hide it because it can be quite strong for some people. Nevertheless I want to be more open about me and I think this is a safe space for that and for me.

Spoiler

I haven't had sex in years but if I ever did it would be because as paradoxical as it sounds an orgasm is one of the few things that make me feel something since I have MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). But I take no joy in it. The reason to have sex for me is to feel for a few seconds when nothing else works (sounds depressing but yeah thinking hard and getting to the root of why I do this or that I got here)

 

4 hours ago, aro_elise said:

so anyway, maybe somewhere on the spectrum, but if you feel sexual attraction at all, that contradicts the definition of asexuality, like full-on asexual.  of course the way you label your orientation is up to you, but since you asked for insight i'm providing it based on definitions.

 Thanks for your insight. I was looking for that. ^^ 

 

48 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

I completely forgot to answer, partly because I was thinking an allo insight would be more helpful. Anyway I would have said the same thing as @aro_elise. If I can add something...

Indeed as an asexual this is not something I think about when I see strangers in the streets. Well to be honest I don't actually watch people so this is unlikely lol. Now I'm not sex-favorable and having sex never really sound as something I wanted to do, so I don't know.

Maybe you should wonder why you didn't seem to think about it as attraction, contrary to what happened after you bond with someone. What differs in both experience? What are the feelings involved? Is it intellectualize or is it something spontaneous? I don't really know how it works for allo (maybe @aro_elise can tell), but when I picked up crushes because of internal amatonormativity, it was something that I intellectualize : I picked up guys and thought about their quality to wonder if they would make a good boyfriend or not. It was not soething I felt but something I chosed. Is it the case for you with sex, or does the attraction come first?

 

You posted this while I was making my post but I wanted to thank you for your your insight since it helped in my answer. And yes I choose based on specific traits. Mainly intellectual. People are more than just sex. I want more than just having few seconds of joy. Conversations about any theme, laughing for hours,playing video games. There are thousands of things to do besides sex. What's more, thinking about it, I would rather see a movie or anything else before doing sex. Sorry if all over the place but me expressing and explaining myself is hard :3 i want to know me better and all of you are helping so thanks.

Edited February 24, 2021 by Blake