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What the hell am I doing?


Sooty Owl
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Well I haven't been in a "real relationship" so to speak,

But I been in these situations you describe and I read post from many other aros who been in these situations as well so I dont think its uncommon at all.

 

I been out with people I liked alot to the point I would questionate my romantic feelings or other would. despite the fact I liked them alot and liked the their affections and so i felt unconfortable with them being in love with me. 

 

I tried being in relationships with the people, and even when I felt like I gave them all I had it was never really enough and I felt I would have to cross my own boundaries in order to satisfy the other persons wish. when I did not, I was "cold, unexperienced, shy, or simple someone who was not worth waiting for".

 

 

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I'm sorry I don't have any useful personal experiences to add to this. However, I went to have a look around the internet to see if I could find some stuff to help you and found these two threads from the aro subreddit:

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/comments/49wvrc/arodemiro_relationship_could_use_some_advice/

https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/comments/3iud68/variances_in_emotional_intensity_in_a_aroallo/

 

The short version of relationship advice is almost always 'communication'! If you two don't tell each other what you want/don't want in your relationship things will get more confused. You don't need to tell him everything at once (in fact I would advise against it) you can slowly build up your understanding of each other.

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2 hours ago, Sooty Owl said:

RedNeko: Woah, thank you for taking the time to do some research for me, I really appreciate it! I've looked at both threads and digged in the aro subreddit a bit myself (why didn't I think of doing that earlier? ugh) and I'm kinda sad to see that most aro/allo relationships don't seem to last very long, even though I've seen exceptions :|

And yeah, I totally agree with you, communication is key, and I now realize I've been acting very selfishly with not being open about my real feelings. I was scared it would scare him away but if I keep going down the road I'm on and not tell him anything, I'll just hurt both him and me in the end.

Don't worry about it, I love researching :D

 

Please don't feel down about your chances! Here's some things to keep in mind:

  • It's much easier to find people talking about relationship troubles than relationship bliss on the internet because if things are going well you don't need to ask others for help. For the same reason you also hear a lot more details about said trouble.
  • Even in allos' relationships, lots of them don't last. A relationship lasting isn't the way to measure success! If the people involved are communicating well and figure out that the type of relationship they are in isn't working out and end it, isn't that a lot more successful than one which goes on longer, but no one is happy? So, don't just dismiss the aro/allo relationships you've heard of that worked out as 'exceptions', long lasting romantic relationships are always less common that short ones overall, and the fact they are less common doesn't change the fact they exist.

I'm not sure any of that was really that helpful? But anyway, good luck with it all :)

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@Sooty Owl Oh no, please don't ever feel ashamed for people you feel love for (whether that love be platonic, romantic, or something else entirely). We don't choose whom we love.

 

As someone who's closet-aromantically dated other people, and come out to many others as lithromantic since, I personally don't think it's necessary to mention that you are aro/quoiro unless he is already a well-educated ally (and by well-educated I mean, he knows more than just "gay," he knows "bi, pan, poly," he knows "trans," he knows "non-binary," he knows "ace" etc.). There are so many wrong reactions that could happen with someone who is encountering aromanticism for the first time. Your partner could interpret your romantic orientation as a sign that you don't truly love him, romantically or platonically. Your partner could interpret your romantic orientation as a challenge, something that they can "fix" or "change." Of course, one could argue that if your partner does this, he was't the right partner for you in the first place, but people in general will not understand what they've never personally experienced, so I would not put my energy into trying to make that happen.

 

Instead of trying to explain the "why" behind my romance-repulsion,  I would try to frame the request for fewer romantic displays of affection in terms of personal boundaries. Tell him that you're not comfortable when he does specific romantic things. If he asks why, tell him those are your personal boundaries, and that you'd like him to respect those. If he's still questioning you after that I'd be worried.

 

Personally, I've made "romantic" (re: pseudo-romantic) relationships work unhealthily and selfishly, by letting relationships run until the point where I can no longer endure pretending I am not romance-repulsed around the other person. During the relationship, I'd work hard to make the other person by returning as much affection as I could afford, under the conviction that I would eventually be able to overcome my romance-repulsion and commit. And that never worked out. Of course, I'd never tell the other person anything besides, "I no longer have feelings for you" because most of the time it wasn't their fault that I became romance-repulsed...it was just me. Since then, I've resolved the issue by not getting into romantic relationships I'm uncomfortable with, and by making it a requirement that all potential datemates need to be people who don't do huge displays of affection. I'm indifferent, but open to the idea of a relationship, if the person is right.

 

 

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Well even if he dont understand he may accept your struggle. I have a difficult time comming out to people cause I have not been sure if im aro or not or where I was on the spectrum so I felt like not comming out because if im not even sure of my own feelings how can other be supportive. 

 

However I found that its okay to come out as in "I think im aro" or "I think im somewhere on the aromantic spectrum" 

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