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Until I found I was aroace, getting married was a given. What now?


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Just to clarify, in the title I say aroace, but I'm not sure exactly where on the spectrum. EDIT: it may be relevant that I am still a teenager

Anyway, for me, me getting married was always a given. One thing that my dad says when I get hurt(and proceed to complain about how the doorway attacked me) is "it'll get better before you get married." Similar phrases abound in my parents vocabulary.

I decided when I was in elementary school I said I would never have a romantic partner(technically it was boyfriend, but I changed it when I learned about the LGBTQ+ community years later), and still I assumed that one day I would be married.

However, I feel romance repulsion whenever I am in a situation where I know or suspect someone likes me in that way. I have no desire to be married. Yet somehow, I still feel somewhat "destined" to date and marry someone, no matter how much I hate the idea. Is there a good way to help combat that feeling?

Edited by Neon Green Packing Peanut
Added a possibly needed clarification
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I relate to this a lot!

Already when I was 11 or 12 y/o I was completely tired of all expectations, and I hated being romanticized and sexualized. Somehow I'd heard of the word asexual (I didn't know the difference between sexual and romantic orientation yet) and wanted to come out as such, but even though I strongly related to the word I thought I faked it. I even convinced myself that I wanted to find a girl, marry and get children. When I realized that I wasn't heterosexual, and started question whether I was bisexual or not, the pressure got even more intense. I was completely alienated from romance, and when a girl in my age showed strong romantic interest in me I got even more confused - and repulsed to some extent. After a while I began to develop strong emotions towards her and thought it was a crush (*spoiler alert*, it wasn't), but the bare thought of being in a romantic relationship felt completely wrong and repulsing. The only thing I wanted was a close friend, and that was how I perceived romantic relationships until I realized romance wasn't platonic.

When I got older (13-16 y/o) I used to tell myself that I had no interest in romantic relationships because people around me weren't mature enough or that I had better things to do. At seventeen I even thought I was a biromantic homosexual and tried online dating (with mostly men). It quickly became obvious that I had no romantic or sexual interest in other people of any gender.

The amatonormativity, and all expectations regarding marriage and family, became internalized. I thought a life without wife and children, or otherwise a life without a romantic partner, were proof of a complete failure. I would be miserable and lonely, and I didn't want to be alone the rest of my life. It took me years to realize that this was untrue, and I still haven't fully accepted it. One of the things that helped me is being open about my aro-aceness and make it a part of who I am. No-one needs to get married, and you can live a happy and fulfilled life without a romantic partner. And having children isn't necessary either, and if you want children you don't need a romantic partner.

After all, the most important thing is to be surrounded by accepting and understanding friends and family members who want you to live the life you want - not the life the society expect you to live. I hope this helps ?

Edited by Triple a-trouble
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I think a lot of us were raised with the expectation to one day get married and have kids and it can really mess us up. That probably goes for most people, but it's of course extra harmful for aros. Marriage is seen as this magical end-all, but... you know, society has been wrong about a lot of things, and this is just another one of them.

So, to your question: What now? Well, the best thing you can do is get to work on unlearning these norms. There's unfortunately no quick fix to rid yourself of them, but I think arocalypse is a good place to start. Here you'll find a lot of people who are living happy, fulfilling, unmarried lives and just seeing that is really powerful in itself. If you are repulsed by the thought of being in a romantic relationship, you simply don't have to be. There's no "destiny" for you to follow any path but your own. I know it may be hard to just start to believe that after spending a whole lifetime being told the opposite, but if you repeat it enough it can become your truth.

And welcome, both of you! :aroicecream:

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  • 2 weeks later...

You could still get married as an aro ace. However if I were you I would not focus on the act of marriage but rather think about what kind of relationships I want in my life. Also don't feel like you have to decide now. Really what difference does it make in your present life if you were to marry in ten years?

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On 8/28/2020 at 6:54 PM, Oatpunk said:

Here you'll find a lot of people who are living happy, fulfilling, unmarried lives and just seeing that is really powerful in itself.

I think this is perfect describtion of people here?


On 8/28/2020 at 5:35 PM, Triple a-trouble said:

When I got older (13-16 y/o) I used to tell myself that I had no interest in romantic relationships because people around me weren't mature enough or that I had better things to do

Lol I was in that phase for like my whole teens up to the moment I realized I am aro. The feeling is still there, but it only sexual/platonic way now

And some words about OP
I had bad example so never looked at marriage as end-all point. Same time I had great example of self improvemnt, working hard. So for me it is little easier to totally swith off "marriage" and focusing only on my dreams and working on job that brings me not only money, but also joy.
Always considered marriage as sort of a pause in my life and my goals.

edit typos

Edited by Bad Things
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