Was fine with just being me, but then drama happened

[Monty]

Hey! Very recently really started looking into terminology and such for what I feel, and cupioromantic is the first thing I found that fits. I want someone to be my partner and to grow old with. I want someone to cuddle with at night and raise a family with. I’m a virgin, but like the idea of creating and carrying my own child. I’m 22 and have, up to now, always assumed I was heteroromantic and heterosexual. Guys can be really cute and I want cuddles! Big arms to hold me at night and a smooth chest to put my head on and a soothing heartbeat to lull me to sleep. All of this seemed to line up with societies ideas of romance. 

Here’s the thing. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship. They make me nervous, like I’ve got an anvil hanging over my head just waiting to crush me. They’re suffocating. My longest relationship to date was when I was thirteen. My friend and I figured out that our parents would drive us to the movies for dates, when they wouldn’t just because we wanted to see a movie. They encouraged going over to each other’s houses and took us on cool trips, like glass blowing and carnivals. We wouldn’t have been able to go to these things if they weren’t ‘dates’ because we were too young to drive. It was perfect. Then, he kissed me. I panicked. I raced inside the house and did my absolute best to never see him again. I justified it to myself that it wasn’t supposed to be weird, and that he made it weird! I regret losing that friendship, but I can’t regret breaking the relationship off. 

Over the years, I’ve gone on a couple dates but have always cut it off as soon as it got to shouldering or kissing.  Shouldering being arms over the shoulders in that weird yawning movie way that automatically takes soothing physical contact and makes it weird. For the past few years, I haven’t dated at all. 

The day I started looking up terminology, I spent two hours explaining to a roommate that I don’t love him. He’s a great friend and a great roommate, but I don’t love him. He poured his heart out, saying he could see us happy together and that he wanted me by his side. Talked about marriage. (We have never been anything more than roommates and friends. Never held hands, never cuddled, nothing.) The thing is, he also talked about how much he loved me. He talked about how he wanted me to give him a chance and that he would rather try to convince me and fail than never try. How I was missing out on a great guy and how he’d always treat me right. He saw not dating him as not giving him a chance to earn my love, but didn’t listen when I told him I couldn’t return his feelings and didn’t want to try dating him. I felt like such an asshole. He was pouring his heart out and I was having to watch it crack as I repeatedly told him no. He’s an honorable man, so I don’t feel pressured or anything, but I do feel guilty. I broke his heart and I don’t regret it. He kept going on about how, if I just gave him a chance, I would love him back. He was my realization moment. I kept thinking, I can’t be in love with him back. I don’t feel that. What was he talking about? It’s not a choice to love him or not. I care about him, but I’m not in love with him. I won’t ever be in love with him. Even if I ended up loving him, I wouldn’t be in love with him. (That thought, right there, was the important realization.)

I’ve never been in love. I love my family. I love my friends. I love rivers and trees and birds that have no respect for sleep. I love my cat and all the pets I’ve ever had. I even love the children I have not yet had. I want at least two, and I love them fiercely. 

I have never been in love. I don’t want to be in love. It seems messy and over complicated, to be honest. 

This, however, leaves me at a crossroads.  Sex is a non issue. I honestly have no feeling about it, other than wanting babies someday. I’d be fine with sex or without. The issue, is a partner. I want a life partner. How do I date, though? How do you explain that you are looking for a lifelong cuddle buddy to raise kids with and grow old together? That kissing is germ central, holding hands is sweaty, and shouldering is suffocating? I’m 22 years old and I don’t date. I like the term cupioromantic because I long for a lifelong partner. (Haven’t bothered even looking for the correct sexual label, because I don’t see why sex matters.) 

However, cupioromantic doesn’t fit as well as I’d like. I want a partner, but I don’t want a romantic partner. I want cuddles, not kisses. I don’t want flowers and dates, I want someone to dry the clean dishes as I wash them and share inside jokes with. Domestic fluff, but not romance. Does that make sense? 

Where do I go from here?

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Who says a lifelong partner has to be romantic?

[Monty]

18 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Who says a lifelong partner has to be romantic?

Right?! 

[Emerald Cheetah]

Honestly I relate so much to what you're saying. I haven't so much had to deal with letting people down because I don't get asked out hardly ever (like seriously, only once or twice has that ever happened), but I find myself dreaming of having a partner of some kind. However, without any concrete idea of a close (non-romantic) lifelong partnership reflected in society, how can I truly know what I want? Sometimes I imagine a relationship that is really intimate both physically and emotionally to the point where the lines between platonic and romantic are blurred. Other times, I just want a fun roommate who understands me and can be there for me when I need them (And I'd be there for them as well, of course). I suppose the latter does exist, but it usually doesn't last because the roommates find romantic partners and go separate ways.

with both images in my head I always come across at least one problem. For one, how will I find such a person to pursue such a relationship with?? I've met asexuals in real life, but I don't believe I've met a single aromantic. And with that problem, there comes the common aromantic fear of being left alone. Such relationships that we dream of having always seem out of reach because romantic relationships are the priority for most everyone. We could never have our desired relationship type if everyone else is "pairing up" and forming romantic relationships. At least, that's how it feels for me. Our options are seriously limited if we can only form our best relationships with like...1% of the population. 

[Monty]

I totally get that. Like, intimate platonic relationships are definitely a thing. Lifelong roommates is also a thing. But how do you get to that point? How do you meet people IRL who actually want the same thing you do? If there is a Tinder for platonic relationships, I’ve never heard of it. 

[Emerald Cheetah]

3 hours ago, Monty said:

 If there is a Tinder for platonic relationships, I’ve never heard of it. 

I've searched many times for apps dedicated to forming friendships and well, they're almost never promising. Often, the apps promise to help you find friendship "and maybe more", so the app is already telling us that romantic relationships are on the table. Other times the app is deliberately misleading. You'll think that it is dedicated to friendship because the title of the app literally conveys a platonic term (I've literally seen apps that do this! AND IT MAKES ME SO MAD) but then the app isn't solely dedicated to platonic relationships???? arghhhhhhh.

I did actually found one app that actually was made for friendship and romance was strictly off the table (Forgive me, I can't remember the name). There was a place to insert your romantic and sexual ortientation in the app and it was actually in a swipe format. I saw a few asexuals and aromantics, however I suppose my standards are too high. I eventually uninstalled the app when I ran out of people to swipe left or right for. Perhaps this app would've worked for others, but I still felt restrained. 

It would be nice if there was an app made just for aromantics. It's so hard when I have to fish through every other sexuality on an app just to find my own group that hardly even exists. We seem to want something that's so different from other romantic orientations. They use apps with the purpose of meeting people in order to form romantic (and usually sexual) relationships with others. That's where we differ, and why we desperately need our own app. With our own app we could state what kind of relationship we're looking for and be more likely to find it. Alloaro looking for another Alloaro to date? Great! Aroace searching for a QPR? Also great! The only problem, like with all ideas, is who would create such an app ? It might as well just be a dream.

[Artemis's Aro]

Maybe you should think about approaching future relationships as looking for a queer/quasiplatonic relationship (QPR)? The actual definition and actions in a QPR differ from relationship to relationship, but for me, at least, it's sort of like a committed friendship. Like "I don't want to date in the traditional sense but I do still want to be with you for a long time." Cuddles not kisses and all that.

And yeah, it still might be hard to find this type of relationship because you'd still have to find someone who is willing to enter this kind of relationship. Its more likely if the other person is also aro, though not impossible if they're allo. And with a QPR you'd definitely have to set the boundaries of the relationship. Personally, I'm in a QPR with an alloromantic, but we've both set our boundaries (she's ace as well) and we're very happy together.