Hey! Very recently really started looking into terminology and such for what I feel, and cupioromantic is the first thing I found that fits. I want someone to be my partner and to grow old with. I want someone to cuddle with at night and raise a family with. I’m a virgin, but like the idea of creating and carrying my own child. I’m 22 and have, up to now, always assumed I was heteroromantic and heterosexual. Guys can be really cute and I want cuddles! Big arms to hold me at night and a smooth chest to put my head on and a soothing heartbeat to lull me to sleep. All of this seemed to line up with societies ideas of romance.
Here’s the thing. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship. They make me nervous, like I’ve got an anvil hanging over my head just waiting to crush me. They’re suffocating. My longest relationship to date was when I was thirteen. My friend and I figured out that our parents would drive us to the movies for dates, when they wouldn’t just because we wanted to see a movie. They encouraged going over to each other’s houses and took us on cool trips, like glass blowing and carnivals. We wouldn’t have been able to go to these things if they weren’t ‘dates’ because we were too young to drive. It was perfect. Then, he kissed me. I panicked. I raced inside the house and did my absolute best to never see him again. I justified it to myself that it wasn’t supposed to be weird, and that he made it weird! I regret losing that friendship, but I can’t regret breaking the relationship off.
Over the years, I’ve gone on a couple dates but have always cut it off as soon as it got to shouldering or kissing. Shouldering being arms over the shoulders in that weird yawning movie way that automatically takes soothing physical contact and makes it weird. For the past few years, I haven’t dated at all.
The day I started looking up terminology, I spent two hours explaining to a roommate that I don’t love him. He’s a great friend and a great roommate, but I don’t love him. He poured his heart out, saying he could see us happy together and that he wanted me by his side. Talked about marriage. (We have never been anything more than roommates and friends. Never held hands, never cuddled, nothing.) The thing is, he also talked about how much he loved me. He talked about how he wanted me to give him a chance and that he would rather try to convince me and fail than never try. How I was missing out on a great guy and how he’d always treat me right. He saw not dating him as not giving him a chance to earn my love, but didn’t listen when I told him I couldn’t return his feelings and didn’t want to try dating him. I felt like such an asshole. He was pouring his heart out and I was having to watch it crack as I repeatedly told him no. He’s an honorable man, so I don’t feel pressured or anything, but I do feel guilty. I broke his heart and I don’t regret it. He kept going on about how, if I just gave him a chance, I would love him back. He was my realization moment. I kept thinking, I can’t be in love with him back. I don’t feel that. What was he talking about? It’s not a choice to love him or not. I care about him, but I’m not in love with him. I won’t ever be in love with him. Even if I ended up loving him, I wouldn’t be in love with him. (That thought, right there, was the important realization.)
I’ve never been in love. I love my family. I love my friends. I love rivers and trees and birds that have no respect for sleep. I love my cat and all the pets I’ve ever had. I even love the children I have not yet had. I want at least two, and I love them fiercely.
I have never been in love. I don’t want to be in love. It seems messy and over complicated, to be honest.
This, however, leaves me at a crossroads. Sex is a non issue. I honestly have no feeling about it, other than wanting babies someday. I’d be fine with sex or without. The issue, is a partner. I want a life partner. How do I date, though? How do you explain that you are looking for a lifelong cuddle buddy to raise kids with and grow old together? That kissing is germ central, holding hands is sweaty, and shouldering is suffocating? I’m 22 years old and I don’t date. I like the term cupioromantic because I long for a lifelong partner. (Haven’t bothered even looking for the correct sexual label, because I don’t see why sex matters.)
However, cupioromantic doesn’t fit as well as I’d like. I want a partner, but I don’t want a romantic partner. I want cuddles, not kisses. I don’t want flowers and dates, I want someone to dry the clean dishes as I wash them and share inside jokes with. Domestic fluff, but not romance. Does that make sense?
Where do I go from here?