New to defining relationships

[Tonic]

I'm in what we've been calling a "situationship" with a person on the aromantic spectrum. We're extremely close, and (as an alloromantic person) everything about our relationship is exactly what I'm used to in any romantic relationship, aside from her not having romantic feelings for me. We love each other deeply, and she feels more connected to me than she ever has to a partner, even on the very rare occasion that she has felt romantically toward someone.

She has recently asked for a more tangible level of commitment. She's pretty new to exploring her identity, and I've never been in a relationship with an aromantic person before. Terms like "qp" and similar don't feel like quite enough, and terms like "girlfriend" make her feel really uneasy. I would really like to work through some options with her, but I'm pretty lost. 

Would anyone be willing to offer experiences or insight? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

While it's of course totally up to you to define your relationship terms and what you're both most comfortable with, I think you really should start by examining why qp doesn't feel like "enough" to you.

[arokaladin]

Hi! So, first off I'd say that you don't Need to be more specific than you can be. If you can only get as close as 'relationship' that's chill. 

Secondly, and I do not want to come off as harsh, just kind of gently cautioning you with what I say next. So, I agree with @Jot-Aro Kujo on you maybe needing to examine what about the term qp doesn't feel enough, but I'm gonna give you some benefit of the doubt because that could have just been weird phrasing. What I will say, and what I believe is absolute fact just based on you seeing an aro person, and especially based off you saying she's new to this, is you gotta go some research.

The fact that you've got this far, and have come to ask other aros for help and advice is awesome, and sadly more than a lot of people will do. But I've been your girlfriend in a situation like this, and I'm not gonna get in depth about it here but the tl;dr: is that any struggle she has right now figuring out what she wants is going to be amplified by any gaps in your own knowledge about aromanticism, and the fallout can really suck. Ideally you want to understand our terms and issues as well as we do. You need to be the one initiating conversations about boundaries, terminology, etc. just as much as she does, so that you're doing your part in making sure your relationship is one where those conversations feel natural and she feels comfortable talking things through with you.

Sounds like a lot, but you are initiating a relationship with someone who has a completely different experience and view of attraction and relationships than you do, and you're probably not even going to realise the subtle yet meaningful ways that manifests Until You Do. Like, you say *to you* this feels like any old romantic relationship. and maybe it feels that way to her! maybe you've talked, I don't know. But again, you say she's still exploring her identity. Sometimes you can be fine with the socially expected thing in theory until it happens. 

How do you feel about kissing? Do you rate it higher than holding hands? ...Would a person on the arospec feel that way?? Have you celebrated valentines day in prior relationships? Do you just assume it's something couples do? ...Would someone who doesn't want to be called your girlfriend feel comfy with that?? Again I have no idea! I'm not her. But if you don't know the answer to any question like this you have to ask. 

I know this isn't really what you wanted to be told, and maybe this is off topic, but this is very close to my heart, and you say you love her. I absolutely believe you and I want you two to have the best chance possible! As I said before, I'm already super happy that you're coming to a place like this to find info, so I wish you the best of luck.

[Blake]

First of all, yes and props to you for doing what most people do not do, search information and learn more about something you do not quite understand or grasp. Now, as @arokaladin and @Jot-Aro Kujo told, you have to ask yourself why qp isn't enough for you. What do you mean by that?, is it that you do not like the definition or something else. A definition is just as good as what you want it to be, it is made so people have a north into exploring, and people can come together by that definition. If you don't feel it applies to you, then the first thing to ask is why, then continue on exploring. Communication is key, that you feel the same with her than with other romantic relationship doesn't mean that it is the same for her.

Idk about how much both of you have spoken or the subjects, so I am speaking from personal experience. I was in a relationship that my partner thought it was romantic, by society it was categorized by romantic, but to me, I did not once felt it was that. This was a time that I didn't identified as aro cuz I didn't know about the word, but that lack of mutual understanding led to a breakup. If for you qp isn't enough, and for her girlfriend makes her uncomfy, then look for that medium, but do so together. Make her feel that you care about her and her orientation, that may be small for some people, but for me if someone I share that I am aro, and the next time we talk, they look info and try to understand me, you can bet your sweet bottom that I will feel super super happy and instantly be friends. Cuz I would feel valid, thing that society tries to deny me.