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Aro sadness


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I feel sad and I feel like I shouldn't be sad. I'm basically aro. Everyone seems to say that they're happy that way and they don't want a romantic relationship, so it's no loss. So many people say that they were relieved when they found out they were aro because they'd previously felt broken. I understand that. I felt the same when when I felt I was ace. Identifying as ace makes me feel right and good. But identifying as aro doesn't make me feel good or relieved. It makes me feel incomplete. Like I'm admitting defeat. I want a romantic relationship so badly. I want to be someone's first priority, and I feel like as long as they have a significant other, I'll always take the back seat. I want someone to go on dates with and to call my girlfriend or boyfriend but without the crush and the hassle of feelings. I don't want to call them my QPP because I don't want to have to explain our entire relationship every time I introduce them to someone. I want to be exclusive with someone so I can look at them and think "Yes. That is my favorite human being and they will never leave me because someone more important called them."

 

I know I could have all that with a QPP or something, but I don't want to have to make up terms to fit my lack of romantic attraction. I just want to be like the majority. I don't want to be aro. I'm sorry. Being aro makes so many of you happy, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't make me happy. I don't want to be the way I am. Don't come at me with "It's just internalized amatanormativity" and "You'll get over it." I am hurting. I don't want to be made to feel guilty for not feeling like the majority of the aro community. 

 

What hurts the most is knowing there's nothing I can do to make this pain better. Absolutely nothing.

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I know people act like nobody ever wants to, but really, aros can still date. If you want a romantic relationship, you can just, like... Have one.

Of course if you don't, then that's that, but honestly? I get how you feel about wanting to be someone's top priority, and my advice is just... Make friends with other aros. I know that the bond I have with my friends is stronger than anything, and I think that's a kind of friendship anyone can develop if they've got the right people

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Controversial opinion: there are still some alloromantic people who fake romance or even love only for convenience. A relative agreed to live together with somebody for laundry...

If you have honnest feelings (even platonic) for somebody you have the right to try with your partner's consent a 'less perfect' type of relationship. The others don't agree? It's none of their business anyway so they don't even need to know the truth.

 

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No one should feel bad about feeling sad. 

I'm not sure that being aro MAKES anyone happy. Knowing that they are aro might make their life make more sense, but I think it's more about acceptance than anything else... Ok, let me just speak for myself. Aro doesn't make me an happier. Pretending to be allorom made me LESS happy, and not pretending is better, but that's about it... Do I think that alloroms are happier than aros? Maybe, maybe not. My guess is that they have more extremes. Again, only speaking for myself... 

Personally, I am the most emotionally constant person I know. Most people have highs and lows, with an average of maybe 5/10. I am at a constant 4/10, with very little variation. 

That's how I feel about being aro. Alloroms have highs and lows as they get "New Relationship Energy" or break up, or whatever. I don't experience that (and I'm generalizing to all of us, I guess) so I'm much more level... Is that a good thing? I miss the lows, but I also miss the highs? Who knows. no one can compare internal emotional states... 

But regardless, if missing those highs and lows makes you sad, then it makes you sad. Don't feel like you shouldn't be sad. 

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