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Getting rid of hang up about being "too friendly"


Holmbo
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I've written before on this forum that I don't care if people read romantic interest into my behavior, that I don't want to limit myself. But despite this I feel like I am holding back with people, not really allowing myself to be as open or friendly as I could be. This is particularly true about people I don't know yet. I often enjoy meeting new people and am comfortable chatting with someone I don't know. But I can't shake the feeling that if I'm being too friendly it will seem like flirting, even though when I look at it objectively I don't think I'm doing anything out of the ordinary.

Does anyone else have similar problem?

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i experience this exact thing all the time but specifically with male friends. (I’m a girl) and i found it so frustrating that if i was friends with a guy and did things that would be normal in a girl friendship it was somehow automatically romantic. Like i have to keep my male friends at this really weird distance because anything beyond that would be seen as me being flirty or liking them and since i’m aromantic i don’t want them to get the wrong idea and be lead on when i don’t feel that way. It’s extremely frustrating that i literally can’t be close friends with like half the population without them thinking it’s romantic or everyone else thinking it’s romantic!

 

and like you, i don’t want to have to hold my self back but when i haven’t before there were consequences. my closest male friend developed feelings for me and i was super thrown off and it kind of ruined our relationship for a whole summer and how i reacted to it was probably the worst mistake i’ve made in my life so far but now i’m afraid that’s going to happen every single time i try and breakdown the weird boundaries and what guy/girl friends can do.

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I think I am at the point that I just expect better from people and after I tell them what I am about, aro, not looking to date or have a romantic or sexual relationships and if they do not get it or believe me I will just right them off. I am done with the rest. 

 

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2 hours ago, Jaide said:

i experience this exact thing all the time but specifically with male friends. (I’m a girl) and i found it so frustrating that if i was friends with a guy and did things that would be normal in a girl friendship it was somehow automatically romantic. Like i have to keep my male friends at this really weird distance because anything beyond that would be seen as me being flirty or liking them and since i’m aromantic i don’t want them to get the wrong idea and be lead on when i don’t feel that way. It’s extremely frustrating that i literally can’t be close friends with like half the population without them thinking it’s romantic or everyone else thinking it’s romantic!

 

and like you, i don’t want to have to hold my self back but when i haven’t before there were consequences. my closest male friend developed feelings for me and i was super thrown off and it kind of ruined our relationship for a whole summer and how i reacted to it was probably the worst mistake i’ve made in my life so far but now i’m afraid that’s going to happen every single time i try and breakdown the weird boundaries and what guy/girl friends can do.

I think this is a result of the way our society treats guys and girls differently. Things that are common between women are seen as not normal between guys and automatically romantic between a guy and a girl. I think if you have a guy friend who agrees that things aren't romantic it shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks. I have one female close friend who accepts me the way I am (and doesn't seem especially inclined to get into a romantic relationship either) and we've basically disregarded the boundaries other people think cross-sex friendships should have and just act however we want.

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  • 3 months later...

I banter alot when talking to others (this includes a lot of (friendly) teasing and joking) but people have taken it as flirting all the time. A friend and I were "shipped together" by our mutual friend due to our banter and teasing relationship and it was extremely annoying. I have also found people sometimes take my concern and caring-ness as flirting but I'm just trying to be a basic decent human being. So I sympathize with having to hold back with some of my interactions with others. 

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I definitely do the same (for multiple reasons) and generally have trouble opening up to people and being emotional around folk. Perception bias does play into things: the few times where I felt like I let down my guard, men definitely took advantage of that and really crossed my boundaries and made me uncomfortable. It's sometimes hard to separate and remember that the men who are like that (not all men! just men like that! and people like that in general) will read into my actions as they want, regardless of how friendly or unfriendly I am because they don't really care about how I feel, just how they feel and what they want. It's hard not to feel like I need to be on guard to protect myself even when I remember that, though. But I've always struggled with displaying emotions, certain emotions in particular. This whole romantic pursuit and flirting thing just added a new layer to things. =x

I think this is how I end up in a lot of teasingly/affectionately antagonistic relationships, which is not something I'm particularly happy with either, but I struggle to express myself and feel comfortable otherwise.

Edited by pressAtoQUEER
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