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Broke up with my boyfriend because I’m aro and I feel like a horrible person right now


Eironwen
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I guess I’m just looking for some support or wondering if anyone else has had this experience.
 

I confused strong platonic and sensual attraction for somebody with having a crush. I think I got swept up in the common narrative that I might not ‘really’ be aro, it’s just that I haven’t found the right person yet, so I decided to give being in a romantic relationship a try.

 

He had a crush on me so we got together, but I soon realised that kissing and especially acting like a couple in public squicked me out entirely. I stuck with it for two weeks because I thought I could learn to like it and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but nothing changed.

 

I broke up with him this morning. The poor guy is in bits. Apparently he really loved me, which I find hard to comprehend because we’ve only known each other for a month. This isn’t even the first time this has happened - i had a friends with benefits relationship with this girl once but she caught feelings for me. I hate how being aro means people get hurt; even if you don’t get involved with anyone, inevitably someone will have a crush on you and you’ll have to disappoint them.


I can’t undo the fact I’ve hurt him; he’s so sweet and he doesn’t deserve this. I feel like such an *ssh*le right now but I can’t just change my romantic orientation either.

 

Anyway. Just needed to vent somewhere where people might relate. Also if anyone has any experience of successful aromantic relationships where romance hasn’t complicated things, please share! I could use some reassurance that such things actually exist.

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i've been there.  it's important to understand that someone else's feelings for you are absolutely not your fault.  if you wanted to be friends with someone and they didn't, would you blame them?  would they blame you?  i mean, i think i'm a grand friend to have, but i can't be everyone's cup of tea.  it's very rare that two people have identical feelings toward each other.  it's better that you broke up with him sooner rather than later, like i did; sacrificing your comfort and leading him to believe you wanted to stay together would have been worse for both of you.  i agree that his reaction was disproportionate to the duration of your relationship; i don't consider someone to be close to me until we've known each other for at least a couple years, and even then, if we don't stay in each other's lives forever, well, what can you expect?  i'm sure you'll both find someone more compatible with you and what you want in a relationship.

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Break-ups are always difficult, but it is not your fault. In fact I think you were right to break up with him this early. Break-ups are hard I guess, but not as hard as fakie happiness. You say you hurt him; but it would have hurt you to stay in a relationship where you are not comfortable (and it would have hurt him too in the end). You did what is best.

 

Plus, remember you can't control people feelings for you. Even if you were alloromantic, would you date every single person who ask you out? I guess you won't. You're not horrible at all. It's better to break-up than long about how you feel.

 

21 hours ago, Eironwen said:

Also if anyone has any experience of successful aromantic relationships where romance hasn’t complicated things, please share! I could use some reassurance that such things actually exist.

I think I read people saying it is possible. I think there are posts here about people realizing there are aros, or people realizing they are dating aros, after years of romantic relationship. For what I see, it demands a lot of mutual comprehension and sometimes compromises (so both of them can have something satisfying).

 

11 hours ago, aro_elise said:

i agree that his reaction was disproportionate to the duration of your relationship; i don't consider someone to be close to me until we've known each other for at least a couple years, and even then, if we don't stay in each other's lives forever, well, what can you expect? 

I don't know if it's disproportionate. As far as I know, romantic feelings are strong pretty quick,  though strong doesn't mean deep at all. I think this is just something that I can't understand as an aro, that's it.

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Thank you both. You’ve helped put the situation into perspective. I agree that it was less harmful overall to be honest and break up with him than to continue faking it. I mainly feel bad because getting into a relationship in the first place was my mistake and it hurt him worse than me. But I guess it was just a mistake and I dealt with it best I could.

 

I also don’t think his reaction was disproportionate. He was actually very reasonable about it, just understandably upset.

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An update: he got in touch today to say he’s had some time to think and was more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than with me, so he’d rather be friends as well. Which is completely unexpected but like. Amazing. So things turned out well in the end ^_^

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On 12/8/2019 at 2:08 PM, Eironwen said:

An update: he got in touch today to say he’s had some time to think and was more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than with me, so he’d rather be friends as well. Which is completely unexpected but like. Amazing. So things turned out well in the end ^_^

I'm really glad things turned out well in the end. Really!!
😊

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On 12/8/2019 at 11:54 AM, Eironwen said:

I agree that it was less harmful overall to be honest and break up with him than to continue faking it. I mainly feel bad because getting into a relationship in the first place was my mistake and it hurt him worse than me. But I guess it was just a mistake and I dealt with it best I could.

Yeah, you went into the relationship in good faith, and were honest as soon as you realised it wasn't working for you. It's a shame that it didn't work out and he was upset, but sometimes that can happen even when nobody's don't anything wrong. 

 

Glad to hear he's learned something about himself too, and that things ended well overall! 

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