Louis On Air Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 Once upon a time, there was a man living alone in the woods. The man was lonely. People said he should get into a romantic relationship, but he knew that that wouldn't help him. So he got into a car. He decided he would drive around the country, searching for people he could become friends with. Unfortunately, he never got his driver's license, so he was a terrible driver. But he drove anyway. And then, a magical moose appeared on the road. (Yes, I'm Canadian) He ran over the moose. (Yes, I'm American) He then put the dead moose into the boot of his car. And he became friends with the dead moose. He and the moose went everywhere in their wonderful QPR. People thought that their relationship was unnatural, and everyone they met was very vocal about this. But he knew that he could bring the moose back to life if he just found the holy Celtic Sheep of Life. (Yes, I'm Welsh) He just needed to travel around the world to find the 5 mystical keys to unlock the holy Celtic Sheep of Life's sanctuary. The man walked into the local tavern, looking for clues about the Mystical Witch who was rumored to be in possession of the first key. He saw a shady looking fellow sitting in the corner. He was round and pale yellow, with lots of small spots and a stout body shape, almost like a potato! The person introduced themself as Spud and proceeded to tell the man about the upcoming Spudpocalypse. After a long discussion, he finally learned the whereabouts of the Mystical Witch- The city of Copenhagen- and to get her help he would have to be on the right side of the Spudpocalypse which Spud seemed to know more about than he was letting on! Spud agreed to give some information, but only after our protagonist solved three tricksy riddles. Spud's first riddle was "everyone who has me believes that everyone has me. Everyone who finds me believes I cannot be lost. Everyone who believes me knows I cannot be trusted. Everyone who relies on me is doomed. But I am no one except for that I am created by everyone who wants me. What am I?" "A Dalek," said the man after much thought. "No! Not everyone has a Dalek and who would believe a Dalek in the first place. You need to realise the monumental influence of peoples' perception if you want to get anywhere on this quest," the potato cried "try again-" "I can't deal with all this strain on my brain," he rhymed as he attacked spud. It turns out that spud had one of the keys! He tried to take the key from Spud. But Spud turned into their final form: the Great Demonic Roasted Potato of Doom (GDR-PoD)! The man only had one option, he had to eat spud! Unfortunately, being that Spud was invincible and almighty, when he tried to stab Spud with a fork, it just dinked off the side and Spud let out a mighty Roar of the Roasted Potato. Before the man could do anything else, they were arrested by the police for armed assault with a fork. After they were put in the police car, Spud broke off all the doors so the he and the man could jump out but only after 10 minutes of driving so that they were in a mysterious part of town. Turns out the policeman was deaf, so he didn't hear the loud bang caused by the doors breaking off. However, he did have eyes on the back of his head! But the man was hungry after failing to eat Spud so he ate the policeman with eyes in the back of his head (he tasted like iecream). Spud was very impressed and so he agreed to give the man his key and help him find the witch who owned the next key. They travelled to the mystical land of Adelaide, Australia, where the witch was rumoured to be. It was here that they met spud's counterpart, dodgypotato! The man was confused and asked "didn't you say the witch was in Copenhagen?" "I lied because I didn't know I could trust you then, but after seeing you eat that policeman I know that I can" said spud. The man found that statement incredibly convenient. But he accepted it, because dodgypotato (the incredibly sexy beast they are) confirmed that Spud was telling the truth. Wanting to get a move on, the man asked "So where is this witch/english teacher anyway? And wouldn't it make more sense to be in New South Wales seeing as the Holy Celtic Sheep is welsh?" Spud replied, "Relax. The story doesn't have to make sense! It makes dollars! Oh, and the witch is in that conveniently placed haunted house across the street." "Oh, ok," the man replied "let's go in now!" "wait," said spud, "before we enter we have to perform the ritual" "Ritual? You never mentioned this! Actually, you didn't mention anything, so I'm not surprised," said the man. "We must eat 42 tubs of our favourite ice cream flavour whilst touching this door!" Spud explained. "Where's the nearest supermarket?" "Oh, it's just 3 stops on the tram," Dodgypotato said, "they specialise in meat flavours if you fancy that!" I just thought, how are we going to eat 42 tubs of ice-cream without it melting?" the man queried. "Well melted ice cream is still ice cream so we just do that for each of our 14 tubs (42/3=14)" So Dodgypotato melted the ice cream with their magical powers. Then they all drank the ice cream, sitting down, leaning against the door. It opened, and they finally entered to confront the witch. Suddenly, dodgypotato turned, "Mwhahahahaha, I AM THE WITCH!!!" Both spud and the man were shocked at the turn of events. "So do you have the key?" The man asked. "Perhaps, but you must get past 100 succubi without falling to temptation before I will give it to you." 100 Succubi later, Dodgypotato gave the key to the man knowing that he was worthy. A loud crashing brought their attention to a certain dead-looking moose staggering towards the succubi. The moose had that look in its eyes, it was so tempted by the succubi, that it had actually risen from the dead! The man had to to the unthinkable: rekill the moose so that it could be brought back to life (not undeadness) by the holy Celtic Sheep. So the quick-witted dodgypotato cast a spell which flung spud into the hypersexual undead moose and it fell to the ground, dead again. The man knelt down by the moose's dead again body, tears streaming down his face, "I'll fix this! Don't you worry!" he shouted. Safely having a dead moose and a holy Celtic key, the man asked Spud where the other 3 were. "It is rumoured that one is on Uranus; luckily in our youth, Dodgypotato and I built a spaceship/spacepotato." Of course, because the spacepotato was powered by witchcraft, it only took them half an hour to arrive at Uranus. They scoured the surface, looking for the floating temple where the key was said to be held. There was a terrible smell in the air (potatoes don't need oxygen). It seemed to be coming from a spiralling hole in the planet's surface (which is made of gas). Spud suddenly remembered reading an ancient book back on Earth about where the key was, however the details had been forgotten, and so Spud abandoned the smelly hole and flew back to Earth to scavenge for the book while everyone else continued investigating. They (The man and Dodgypotato) noticed a small object circling this hole and appearing to collect data from it. They decided they needed to get a closer look. Suddenly, the object started beeping much louder and brighter as it detected their presence. "EXTERMINATE," the object screamed. As the spacepotato was quickly being turned around to make a quick escape, the object started to charge it's laser ready to shoot them. "We had better find a way to stop this thing or we're going to be roasted!" the man shouted. They saw a sword randomly stuck in some stone nearby, and pulled it out to destroy the object. But the sword turned out to be a Uranian-space-snake! Dodgypotato identified the metal that the object was made of to be alloromalium, a metal which was impenetrable so long as there was a source of romantic attraction nearby to charge it. "Then it's powerless to me!" said the man, breaking the object open with his bare fist. But then the laser hit Dodgypotato! Dodgypotato turned into a french fry. The man decided to eat the french fry dodgypotato. The french fry mooed in protest, apparently unable to speak anymore except with cow noises. Upon finishing, the man had gained dodgypotatoes magical abilities! And then Spud returned. "What's going on here?!" They demanded, dodging a laser. "I ate a fried Dodgypotato and now I have gained the power to detect the Romantic Source that gives this metal object its power," the man replied. "And only true romantic love can raise the dead!" The man realised, although they thought that was a really problematic and ambiguous thing to base a spell off of. "OK so where is the Romantic Source?" Spud asked, "if we destroy it we can defeat this thing." Unbeknownst to them both, eating Dodgypotato had resulted in the man becoming the Romantic Source; the Uranian-space-snake that Dodgypotato touched had been tainted. Because of this, the man chased after the snake thinking that it was the Romantic Source. They finally caught up to it and realised that it was only subjected to the romantic field like a compass to the North Pole. The man decided to use a Gaussian surface to measure the romantic flux. The reading was growing and indicated a growing energy which could wipe out all other romantic devices. Spud then noticed there was a small baby in the sky holding arrows. It had been produced by the presence of Romanticism being on a level capable of supercharging romantic objects to the point of disintegration. 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