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Romantic Looking for Help with My Aromantic Girlfriend


Shyshy
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I've been dating my girlfriend for about 4 months, both 21 Y/o, and I just need help understanding what to do and how to be there for her. 

 

 

For background, were were flirting for a month before taking a break and realizing just how much we want eachother. During the flirting phase, she told me she was aromantic and wasn't looking for a relationship; but things changed when we spoke again after a few weeks. We confessed our love for each other and started dating and talking about a future together, when she's in the mood because she doesn't always like the lovey dovey stuff. I love her to bits and I try my best, being an overly affectionate person to control myself the best I can. And she tries to be romantic when she can. However, one thing I just can't wrap my head around or just fail to understand, is that her friends are as equal of a priority as me. And she doesn't mention to her friends that she has a boyfriend, because they would act weird as she said. I just don't know where to look or read up on how to manage with this aspect or problem or insecurity of hers. I love her so very much and she means the world to me, so I'm doing all this to better understand her. I know she can't reciprocate many feelings when I want them, which typically gets resolved when we have sex and the Romance starts flowing during and after the occasion. I'm sorry if my thought process is confusing in my writing during this, I'm just anxious and trying to seek help as best as I can. I love her, I don't want to lose her, and we want to marry eachother; but what can I do to feel better about myself or talk to her about before she says she doesn't want to talk for the rest of the night and goes off playing with her friends. Please help me :(

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On 11/26/2019 at 6:36 AM, Shyshy said:

However, one thing I just can't wrap my head around or just fail to understand, is that her friends are as equal of a priority as me. And she doesn't mention to her friends that she has a boyfriend, because they would act weird as she said. I just don't know where to look or read up on how to manage with this aspect or problem or insecurity of hers. ... what can I do to feel better about myself or talk to her about before she says she doesn't want to talk for the rest of the night and goes off playing with her friends.

To be honest, it sounds like you're the one with the insecurity here. A lot of aromantic people feel this way about relationships: we don't like the idea that any one person should be more important than everyone else in our lives.

 

To make this relationship work, you may have to find a way to accept that she will always value her friends just as much as she values you. If it's a dealbreaker for you that you need to feel more valued than everyone else in her life, you might want to discuss with her whether that's something she can realistically do for you. 

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On ‎11‎/‎26‎/‎2019 at 7:36 AM, Shyshy said:

However, one thing I just can't wrap my head around or just fail to understand, is that her friends are as equal of a priority as me

This is not an insecurity, this is something common for many aromantics. Most of us don't like the idea that a relationship or a type of relationship is more important than another. This is even something most of us don't understand. I don't think you can change that without making her unhappy, because she will her friends.

 

On ‎11‎/‎26‎/‎2019 at 7:36 AM, Shyshy said:

she doesn't mention to her friends that she has a boyfriend, because they would act weird as she said.

That sounds more like an insecurity for me. The thing is : most of the time aromantics have trouble to make people believe that aromanticism is a thing. So admitting she has a boyfriend must be very difficult for her because she could face criticism or negationism. Also, friends do act weird when you're in couple, with supid jokes and all. But as you say, if you plan to be married one day, this is something she has to cope with. And also because hiding something is not sane. I don't know how you could help her except with being understanding and don't force her to do anything. She will present you as her boyfriend when she'll reday, so you have to reassure her while she is not ready.

 

Also, you have to talk about this with her. If there is some things in your relationship you don't like, you have to be open about it. Problems and insecurities can't be solved if you never talk about it with each other.

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  • 3 weeks later...

@Shyshy As with every relationship communication is key. Try to as each other what you both want in the relationship. for example it might be useful to read about the different love languages and talk to each other about how you like to display and receive affection.

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