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I'm Very Confused and Need Help.


shadow10
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What am I Feeling?  

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THIS IS VERY LONG, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED:I've considered myself Ace/Aro for a while now,but October 9th has left me confused and nervous.I have two friends that I have.One I've had for a few years and the other who we hung out as friendly acquaintances last year, who became someone who joined our group at the very end of the year.I think she is a nice person, but that's it.We hang around a bit and talk but not 24/7, I'll call her A and the former B.Because A is someone I don't know much about and is a nice person, I have curiosity and want to know her a little better and talk about her a bit.B ships us(yes our school has a moderate problem with that,B was actually a victim last year, but actually ended up having feelings for the person she was somewhat forced to date and got stuck in a love triangle)Now, some background on me when someone asks me if I have a crush:I have a tendency to overthink (which can get a bit obsessive) and it has been getting worse as I have gotten older,so when something that makes me question something I have felt right with for so long,I can overthink about the person/thing for long periods,I get very nervous when someone asks me if I have a crush,but I get nervous from them not believing me when I tell the truth and that it is an embarrassing question, not because I have a crush I don't want people to know about,so the nervousness can cause a nervous stomach,blushing, and increased heartbeat.I'm oblivious to flirting, can appreciate romance if written well, or be happy for a couple, but not want it myself.So B says that there is something going between A and me, which I immediately deny, and my nervousness starts to manifest itself.She says that I talk about her alot, which I don't believe as B has overexragated things before and is the only one who points this out.So she starts naming our friends and says that I gave A "different look" in my eyes which using the nervousness I feel above, would make sense as if your naming off people of course I'm going to have a different reaction.I continue to say no, she says that I am clinging onto my Ace/Aro labels because I don't want accept change and use me being a trans male to say it makes things harder.I don't believe her and this is where everything is now.So I have started feeling nervous around A after that but only after what B said before then I felt normal.So I think about A alot and it is stressing me out, anything I think of her is platonic and I have no desire to date her, I don't find her attractive at all physically.Any thoughts that are romantic are me being disgusted and for what I can tell intrusive.Quizzes say me having a crush is in the negatory or that it is a squish.I will look around for her out of paranoia and I believe I feel weird due to either consciously or subconsciously remembering the situation and/or seeing B around as it is something I do.It wouldn't make much sense for me to immediately develop a crush after what B said and the thoughts have been getting less and less.I still feel Ace/Aro and am not comfortable with anything I see as romantic.Am I having a crush or obsessively overthinking?

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Speaking from one set of experience: You are clearly overthinking it. Unfortunately, also speaking from experience: knowing that you're overthinking it doesn't actually help solve the problem...

I don't know how to answer your actual question, because I don't really know what any of these things really MEAN... I guess it comes down to : What do you want to DO with A? Hang out with a group of friends? probably not a crush.... 

Again, speaking for me, I often say "How do you know I'm overanalyzing? I'm breathing." So take all of this for whatever worth you find in it... B-/ 

Sorry to not be more help.

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I don't see anything in what you say that describes a crush or even a squish. Your nervousness seems to be cause by B, who deny your feelings and your identity (which would be stressful for everybody). But you didn't describe here any particular feeling that sounds like a crush or a squish. As you say yourself, you have no desire to date A.

As @Jot-Aro says, B should not force feelings into other people. Maybe you should have a conversation about how shipping leads to wrongly interpretate things (at least I saw a lot if people, talking about fictional ships who aren't canon, seeing things that weren't there at all just because they ship characters, like SwanQueen in OUAT or SnowBarry in the Flash; they were sure their ship were gong to become a reality even if it was obvious the writers decided something else; I suppose it works the same with irl ships). So really, you should talk with B about how it is a rude mistake to think he (or she or they? Don't remember) know your feelings better than yourself.

 

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I appreciate your advice and answers.Now, any ideas on getting rid of the intrusive thoughts?They simply wont go away and happen very often.I had about one or two before all this but they passed and I didn't like them at all.But they have started popping up very often after the situation.

 

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I have finally accepted the truth:What I felt was not attraction like all you said, but fear.Fear of the possibility that it was true, when it was not.I let it cloud my thoughts, making it worse, but when I accepted it was fear, I felt at peace.The thoughts don't happen that often, I don't expect them to go away immediately, including the awkwardness, but they are significantly less pronounced.They will go away eventually, I know it.I thank you for your answers.

 

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