Being "just aro"

[Guest]

( I think it fit here, even if I am not too comfortable about it being "miscellaneous " )

 

So… aromantic is my orientation. That's it. I suppose i could label my sexuality if i really wanted to, but… not only i don't feel the need to, but i also feel like… I don't have one?

And by that, i don't mean asexuality. (even if i could technically fit on the spectrum because words are words , i don't feel labelling myself like that )

 

But, sometime i still feel like I have to fit in either "aro ace" or "aro allo", or grey ace  and… no i am just aro.

 

Like, i know "aro" is enough. I know. But sometime, something make me  feel like i am just hiding my "true self" or just "questioning" ot whatever. 

I still feel like being just aro fit me that being said. 

 

But when I say "i am aro" , sometime i feel like peoples are like "ok you're just giving me incomplete information"

 

I don't know i just needed to talk about it. Like, anyone can answer this topic, but if you're also "just aro" or "non-sam" aro, how do you feel about it?

 

 

(also , if someone have links about that , i would be interested. I already have some, but it don't hurt to ask. I see a lot of things about aromantism itself, but very rarely about being just aro)

 

(also also, just curious. If you're also "just aro", what term do you use? I can use "just aro" or "non-sam aro" , both are fine.)

[Coyote]

Paging @arofrantics.

 

Also, somewhat related -- to add on to the links from last time: you can find a few things under the keyword of "quoisexual" for not having a sexual orientation. Some of it's just jokes or snippets, but there's also a few multi-paragraph short reflection pieces here and there. And some of what you described -- wondering if there's some "true" hidden orientation not yet uncovered, or sensing that people think "ok you're giving me incomplete information" -- feels really strongly like my experience of being quoi, especially with how the a-vs.-allo binary feels like an imposition.

 

 

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, Coyote said:

Paging @arofrantics.

Oh yeah, i checked their tumblr, it was helpfull.

 

5 minutes ago, Coyote said:

Also, somewhat related -- to add on to the links from last time: you can find a few things under the keyword of "quoisexual" for not having a sexual orientation. Some of it's just jokes or snippets, but there's also a few multi-paragraph short reflection pieces here and there. And some of what you described -- wondering if there's some "true" hidden orientation not yet uncovered, or sensing that people think "ok you're giving me incomplete information" -- feels really strongly like my experience of being quoi, especially with how the a-vs.-allo binary feels like an imposition.

 

 

That's interresting. I didn't know that. (thanks for the links btw. I understand quoisexuality now ). I don't know if i will really use it for myself  but that's good to know ! 

 

And thanks for telling me about your experience !

[nonmerci]

I think I can get you. I identify myself as asexual, but I don't think it is relevant or worry mentionning. I don't go on asexuals forum, and I'm sad to see this "opposition" between allo aros and aro aces, because I feel like I'm belonging to a huge community and not to a sub-category. See what I mean? It's difficult to explain.

(Stupid comparison is coming) it's a bit similar (not completely but a bit) to how I feel about the fact that I'm mixed race. I won't deny that I am, but I have no link to the "black culture" because nobody transmitted it to me. So I see myself as a mixed race person who don't have a mixed culture; see what I mean? That's similar to how I feel about me being aroace: I am "mixed" in these two communities, I don't deny that I am, but I feel close to only one part of this identity. See?

(I am afraid that my stupid comparison only makes things more complicated)

[Guest]

13 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I think I can get you. I identify myself as asexual, but I don't think it is relevant or worry mentionning. I don't go on asexuals forum, and I'm sad to see this "opposition" between allo aros and aro aces, because I feel like I'm belonging to a huge community and not to a sub-category. See what I mean? It's difficult to explain.

I think i see what you mean.

13 hours ago, nonmerci said:

(Stupid comparison is coming) it's a bit similar (not completely but a bit) to how I feel about the fact that I'm mixed race. I won't deny that I am, but I have no link to the "black culture" because nobody transmitted it to me. So I see myself as a mixed race person who don't have a mixed culture; see what I mean? That's similar to how I feel about me being aroace: I am "mixed" in these two communities, I don't deny that I am, but I feel close to only one part of this identity. See?

I am white, so my understanding is very limited about being a mixed race person.. But i think i understand what you say. Thanks for explaining

 

As for myself, well… i don't id as ace anymore. And i don't id as allosexual. I am aro and nothing else, you know? As for my sexual attraction , well it's complicated and i don't care enough to name it i guess. Well, i dont feel the need to.

[Mirrorreaper]

I get you. Im very "sam" myself because Im very allosexual and it works for me but lately Ive also been wondering why Just Aromantic isnt "enough" for people. Is it because the split attraction model was so widely promoted online in earlier years? I dont have an answer but Ive seen a shift on tumblr toward embracing "nonsam" aromanticism due to a lot of people conflating aro with aroace. Im definitely NOT ace or Even demi but as Ive gotten older Im less inclined to pursue those types of relationships and what I want out of relationships in general has changed and Ive begun to feel more comfortable with seeing Aromantic as a whole identity.

[Guest]

27 minutes ago, Mirrorreaper said:

I get you. Im very "sam" myself because Im very allosexual and it works for me but lately Ive also been wondering why Just Aromantic isnt "enough" for people. Is it because the split attraction model was so widely promoted online in earlier years?

 

Hmm… i wonder if it has something to do with the tendency of calling peoples "bisexual", "pansexual, etc... even if they are technically also "biromantic" , "panromantic" (i am speaking about alloromantic allosexual ). So the "romantic orientation" part is often ignored and not really talked about, not by itself at least.

 

Not blaming anyone, just a reflexion. I dont have an answer right now.

 

In a-spec space, , we often use the sam, yes. And aromantism itself is very talked about in aro space (thanks captain obvious) but aromantism "by itself" ? eh, i am either unlucky and missed everything, or we often ignore it. Well, i see some positivity post on tumblr sometime i guess...

 

27 minutes ago, Mirrorreaper said:

I dont have an answer but Ive seen a shift on tumblr toward embracing "nonsam" aromanticism due to a lot of people conflating aro with aroace. Im definitely NOT ace or Even demi but as Ive gotten older Im less inclined to pursue those types of relationships and what I want out of relationships in general has changed and Ive begun to feel more comfortable with seeing Aromantic as a whole identity.

 

To be honnest, i dont even identify as "ace" anymore ^^ not just because i don't care enough, but it really don't suit me anymore. But i am very not allosexual. 

So it bother me when they assume i am aroace, haha ^^ And when i say no they think i am aro allo

 

I guess we have all our own reason to be "just" aro.

 

(also, i hope you will find out something you feel comfortable with )

 

 

 

 

[Coyote]

52 minutes ago, Mirrorreaper said:

Is it because the split attraction model was so widely promoted online in earlier years?

 

No, the term "split attraction model" originated just four years ago, as a label for attacking the various concepts it was conflating together and for framing the ace community as homophonbic. The concept of "romantic orientation" is older, originating at least fourteen years ago in the ace community (& arguably older, if you count other ideas as its antecedents, but that's optional, and this is just strictly referring to "romantic orientation" as a term per se). "Split attraction model" was a reaction to romantic orientation terms & attraction subtyping both, treating them as one and the same.

 

30 minutes ago, Cristal Gris said:

Hmm… i wonder if it has something to do with the tendency of calling peoples "bisexual", "pansexual, etc... even if they are technically also "biromantic" , "panromantic" (i am speaking about alloromantic allosexual ). So the "romantic orientation" part is often ignored and not really talked about, not by itself at least.

 

Yes, that's because it's relatively new. Although it's a prevalent concept among aces and aros, it's important to understand, the concept of "sexual orientation" is much older, and a lot of people still don't even accept that.

 

This, by the way, is a part of why "split attraction model" was even coined -- people saw others overgeneralizing the romantic orientation model and found that ideologically threatening. This is something I also talked about in the thread on this topic and another post. 

 

33 minutes ago, Cristal Gris said:

but aromantism "by itself" ? eh, i am either unlucky and missed everything, or we often ignore it.

 

I don't think "ignore" is exactly right. There's been a lot of discussion about this in the past few months. It hasn't always been productive discussion, or useful discussion, but there certainly has been attention on it.

 

36 minutes ago, Cristal Gris said:

Well, i see some positivity post on tumblr sometime i guess...

 

See, that's some of what I mean by not necessarily useful or productive. There's been the creation of oodles of terms and flags and posts saying "you're valid!" but not a whole lot of figuring out how to pinpoint and address the actual problem of compulsory sexual orientation -- which affects more than just aro people, even if it does affect aros in an especially salient way. There are some topics for which "positivity posts on Tumblr, sometimes" is inadequate.

 

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, Coyote said:

Yes, that's because it's relatively new. Although it's a prevalent concept among aces and aros, it's important to understand, the concept of "sexual orientation" is much older, and a lot of people still don't even accept that.

 

This, by the way, is a part of why "split attraction model" was even coined -- people saw others overgeneralizing the romantic orientation model and found that ideologically threatening. This is something I also talked about in the thread on this topic and another post. 

 

I will check it.

 

14 minutes ago, Coyote said:

I don't think "ignore" is exactly right. There's been a lot of discussion about this in the past few months. It hasn't always been productive discussion, or useful discussion, but there certainly has been attention on it.

 

I suppose you are right. It gained some attention, but i am not very satisifed.Of course, i am very glad of the peoples who talk about it and reflect on it.

14 minutes ago, Coyote said:

See, that's some of what I mean by not necessarily useful or productive. There's been the creation of oodles of terms and flags and posts saying "you're valid!" but not a whole lot of figuring out how to pinpoint and address the actual problem of compulsory sexual orientation -- which affects more than just aro people, even if it does affect aros in an especially salient way.

 

*sigh* unfortunatly that's true.

 

Dont get me wrong, i would rather hear "you're valid!" instead of "get the fuck out". I don't think that it's 100% useless.

 

But that's not enough. I know i am "valid", whatever that mean (what do it even mean? that i exist? that i deserve to be here ? ). I need the problem to be addressed, yes.

 

14 minutes ago, Coyote said:

There are some topics for which "positivity posts on Tumblr, sometimes" is inadequate.

 

 

Oh? Which ones ? i am interrested (if you don't mind )

[Emerald Cheetah]

I can understand what you mean here. Currently I have my sexuality listed as Asexual and Aegosexual. But before that it said something like "Heterosexual??Asexual?? I don't knowww" and honestly I still don't know. I've never experienced sexual attraction as far as I know but aromanticism is certainly a way bigger part of my identity. Sometimes I wonder if my aromanticism gets in the way of me feeling sexual attraction if I do actually experience it. It's just way too confusing for me! When I went to pride, I bought only aromantic merchandise and no asexual merch. My aromantic identity matters way more to me perhaps because it makes more sense to me than asexuality. I don't experience romantic attraction and I'm fairly certain that I never will. But sexual attraction is a whole bag of tricks that I don't want to get into. So honestly if someone asked me my sexuality I'd probably just say "I'm aromantic" and leave the asexual part out. I'd only ever talk about my confusing sexuality if the topic specifically came up. But to start, I'm just aromantic and that's all people need to know about me unless I should decide to tell them otherwise. 

[nonmerci]

21 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

 

Hmm… i wonder if it has something to do with the tendency of calling peoples "bisexual", "pansexual, etc... even if they are technically also "biromantic" , "panromantic" (i am speaking about alloromantic allosexual ). So the "romantic orientation" part is often ignored and not really talked about, not by itself at least.

I think the concept of romantic attraction is new, and most people don't know the words biromantic etc. That's why the asexual community talks so much about the "we can fall in love too", because if they donn't people will think they are aromantic too. I don't know if this is the same reason that leads people to think that aros are aces; I think it has more to do with people hearing about aromanticism on ace forums for the first time.

 

22 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

In a-spec space, , we often use the sam, yes. And aromantism itself is very talked about in aro space (thanks captain obvious) but aromantism "by itself" ? eh, i am either unlucky and missed everything, or we often ignore it. Well, i see some positivity post on tumblr sometime i guess.

I don't know if ignore if the right word; it's more that we ended up talking about sexuallity even when the discussion is about aromanticism. For instance, when people announced the creation of AUREA, some posts were wondering if the people were ace or not, or even asking that they aren't. Of course there are some specific problems to each group, but sometimes I feel like we look to much to our differences, not so much of what makes us a group. Though I myself look at aro as a "just aro" ommunity, in the sense that I don't go on a aro forum to talk about me being asexual (if I felt the need to I would go on AVEN), but to talk about aromanticism only.

[Guest]

18 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

I think the concept of romantic attraction is new, and most people don't know the words biromantic etc. That's why the asexual community talks so much about the "we can fall in love too", because if they donn't people will think they are aromantic too. I don't know if this is the same reason that leads people to think that aros are aces; I think it has more to do with people hearing about aromanticism on ace forums for the first time.

 

It would make sense to me.

 

18 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

I don't know if ignore if the right word; it's more that we ended up talking about sexuallity even when the discussion is about aromanticism. For instance, when people announced the creation of AUREA, some posts were wondering if the people were ace or not, or even asking that they aren't. Of course there are some specific problems to each group, but sometimes I feel like we look to much to our differences, not so much of what makes us a group. Though I myself look at aro as a "just aro" ommunity, in the sense that I don't go on a aro forum to talk about me being asexual (if I felt the need to I would go on AVEN), but to talk about aromanticism only.

 

I understand why peoples would talk about their sexuality in aro space, since aromantism can deeply (or to a certain degree) affect your sexuality, at least how you live it.

 

Ignore is probably not the right word, yes.

But i rarely see peoples adressing the problem. Instead, i see peoples say "aroace and alloaro" when they mean "the whole aro community". Don't get me wrong , it's fine to talk about aroace, about aroallo… or even aroace and aroallo. But i feel left out of discussions in which i should have the right to be included.

 

 

[nonmerci]

Ok, I understand the problem. True that it would be more logical to just say "aro", in this case.

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

Ok, I understand the problem. True that it would be more logical to just say "aro", in this case.

 

Well.. sometime it happen in most detailed conversations in which we talk about specific issues and feelings within the community. Maybe we are either included in "aroace" or "aroallo" in these case. 

 

Because we do say "aro" most of the time.

 

I don't really have an exemple right now. This is something i noticed and how i feel. I wonder how many peoples actually feel like i do.

 

All i know is that i am not satisified. I wish i could explain in details ><

[Cake-Loving Dragon]

Just wanted to add that, your romantic and sexual identities are for you alone to understand yourself better. You owe no one an explanation, unless it directly affects them. You just use whatever label(s) describes you best.

[NotHeartless]

@Cristal Gris as it was already stated, it's completly fine to go by "just aro". I tend to do it too because my aromanticism affects (potential) relationships in my life way stronger.
Only recently I realized how exactly (and how serious) my aromanticism has an impact on my sexuality. It's complicated.
The "demi-bisexual" label is/was an attempt to explain what I feel to the outside world but even that is not completly accurate.
The split attraction model gave me the opportunity to realize I'm aro - because where I lingered before, people never distinguished between sexual and romantic attraction which confused me for a good amount of time. I felt sexual attraction sometimes but romantic feelings did not want to come along (whenever I questioned if it's a crush, it was often simply lust).
Sometimes it's better to refrain from labeling certain feelings if it's not possible for you to spot them and it's immaterial. Not labeling can give you as much freedom as labeling, if not more.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, NotHeartless said:

Sometimes it's better to refrain from labeling certain feelings if it's not possible for you to spot them and it's immaterial. Not labeling can give you as much freedom as labeling, if not more.

Yup ! Label are often a home for me, but in that case it would be a cage. And a unfitting one.

 

I mean, i know it's alright to be just aro. My main fear is that peoples would assume i am allo, ace, grey ace… and i am just hiding it. I am just neither.

[NotHeartless]

9 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

My main fear is that peoples would assume i am allo, ace, grey ace… and i am just hiding it. I am just neither.

I absolutely get you here. Problem is: people think whatever about us and anyone, unless you come out or go ahead and tell them.
As far as I can tell, people who are open-minded do not automatically assume your sexual orientation, instead want get to know you first. Then there are the ones who don't care anyway. I can see that some people will have a problem of understanding you simply don't have any sexual orientation, but all you can do here is talk to them about it if you really want them to understand.
I don't like it either when people have fundamental assumptions about others but unfortunately, there will always be people like that (sometimes even assuming without realizing). There are things we cannot control, as much as we would like to but well, you can try and talk to people about it who you want to know.