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Am I Nuisance?


AutistAro
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I might be overreacting and overthinking. But I've noticed a lot of things about this group chat I'm in (currently dead now, but I still talk to some members individually.)

I don't know where to start ahhh. So frustrating. And I shouldn't be doing this? But I figured there's others who've experienced this and might give some insight.

 

Basically. I want to keep contact and remain good friends with Person A and B. 

 

Person A is the person who posts 'you can always talk to me!' on their social media. So...I do that. I private message them and the conversations always feel forced for me. I've noticed that I'm always the one making the first move. They've reached out to me when I was freaking out on social media, which was like, a handful of times. But other than that...I get the feeling A doesn't really seem interested in being more than mutuals. We're friends, but not friends. Which is fine, I guess...but I'm starting to think it's because they thought their romantic partner, B, should've 'fallen for [me]'.

 

Person B I really found interesting when the group chat was new and super active. I'd message her privately a lot and ask about her stories and OCs. She's very open and emotional, and she's aware of this. And I find that very inspiring. But when she and A started dating back in the summer...I've just felt like a nuisance. I reach out to her a lot. Like a lot when she's super sad and freaking out on social media. I've helped her out a lot, not because I wanted to buy her friendship but because I was genuinely worried for her and wanted her to be happy. This is why A thought I should've been in a relationship with B, lol. It broke my heart when B told me this. Because this was typical amatonormative thinking.

But anyways, recently I realized I was probably stressing B out everytime I reached out to her. 'Are you ok?' 'Can I help?' 'I can do this for you.' 'I'm available if you just want a distraction.'

I didn't realize how pushy I was being until now...

 

I hadn't reached out for any other reason besides my concern for her after she got into a relationship. So I think she thought I pitied her or something...I didn't talk to her much because I thought she was happier with her partner, A, and with the other group chat she's in. But recently I've learned this was not the case. She still has a hard time making friends, and she thinks everyone hates her because she's posts a lot of negative thinking on her social media. Like...I get that sort of shit putts people off, but eh. Shows me their human at least.

 

Anyways, I started talking normally to them again. I started a group chat with them on Twitter. Because I figured maybe A and B won't be so anxious if we're all talking together? But I didn't ask their permission to do this...whoops. I don't know what to do guys. I want to stay on good terms with A and B. I know they don't hate me. They have school and Real Life to deal with, and their socially anxious. 'It's not you, it's me' sort of thing. But...you know. I keep talking to both of them through an anonymous ask option. They sometimes tweet later how they're so happy someone asked about their stories and...I wonder how they'd react if they learned it was all me? All those asks...from me? It's pitiful I know. But gods humans are so difficult. Me included. Why can't my autistic brain just be normal? I should go and find a partner, too. Maybe that'll make me happy? I thought I wanted to be closer to these online friends, but now I'm not so sure. I don't fucking know anymore. 

 

A and B treat me kindly. I know they mean no harm. Everyone's just anxious. But I've googled a lot of things and...if your 'friends' don't ever make the first move in starting a conversation, one of the reasons could be that they're just not interested in you.

 

You're just not the person they want to talk to. 

Am I that person they don't want to talk to?

Am I just a mutual?

How come they 'clicked' and I didn't?

Ah. Making friends is hard. I guess we're drifting apart already. A and B are lucky to be dating.

I thought, 'maybe we're not friends because we've only known each other for a year?'

But they got together in like, 6 months. Less, I think. 

 

I don't know guys. Am I just a nuisance at this point? Or should I keep reaching out? Am I reaching out too much? What is too much? Is it just a boundary thing because we're not dating? Gods this is confusing. I thought I had this figured out but it still bothers me. I've opened up so much, and I don't want to just give up! All those feelings I spilled from personal issues. Is this heartbreak? I've already broken down twice because of this. 

 

I feel like those puppies you see on the street. You pet them and give them attention, but in the end you can't and won't take them home with you. 

I'm that puppy.

Just a puppy. :')

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I hope I can help in some small way. I have had to deal with some dramatic internet friendships but I never did anything through Twitter, so is asking permission for a group chat a thing there? On other sites I just drag people all together and if they don't like it they either don't talk or leave the chat. 

 

Person A might either be feeling some jealousy over some misplaced idea of emotional loyalty (a stupid amatonormative concept that apparently allos have made a thing) or Person A might simply be seeing you being actively/pro-actively supportive of B and it is making A feel insufficient (along the lines of 'why didn't I say that' or 'I should be the one asking that'). Whatever it is, I definitely think that these feelings A has are the reason you end up making all the first moves when conversing with them. The fact that A is still nice to you is a really good sign that maybe they are just still a bit unsure about you. Internet friendships can take a long while to sort though the unsure stages. 

 

22 hours ago, AutistAro said:

because I thought she was happier with her partner, A, and with the other group chat she's in. But recently I've learned this was not the case. She still has a hard time making friends, and she thinks everyone hates her because she's posts a lot of negative thinking on her social media.

from this comment I have to tell you that I highly doubt she ever felt you were pushy. I don't know B but it is possible you made her think about things she didn't want to, but sometimes that is the best thing friends can do, and it was always an offer so she could have refused if she wanted to. Does B support you when you have issues? 

 

I would say though, don't ever admit the anonymous asks were all you. That would devalue their perception of their work, and might seem like pity. 

 

22 hours ago, AutistAro said:

But I've googled a lot of things and...if your 'friends' don't ever make the first move in starting a conversation, one of the reasons could be that they're just not interested in you.

People have skewed notions of friendships in our amatonormative world. If friends never make the first move it can also mean you have made it easy for them not to, they default to you as the leader and decision maker. I was friends with someone very active online so I found myself a sheep, it was just so much easier to reply than to initiate conversation (truthfully, by the time I found something I wanted to share with them they had already messaged me). One of my friends got it really bad in high school, she is a decisive planner and sorted out all meetings and activities, but got fed up with making all the decisions. So she made plans to meet a friend but told them to work out the details. The day they were set to meet she gets a text asking where and when, then finding out they were meant to plan that they cancelled rather than just making something up (because they freaked at the 'changed dynamic' of the friendship ie. they were super lazy)

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12 hours ago, Holmbo said:

it seems like those are always so fickle. Do you meet them anything IRL?

:< no. And I doubt I ever will. I was gonna say it doesn’t matter, but those online friends have coupled up and met each other in person... Aro struggles I guess.

 

2 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

The fact that A is still nice to you is a really good sign that maybe they are just still a bit unsure about you. Internet friendships can take a long while to sort though the unsure stages. 

Which is why I started the twitter group chat. I just asked them right now if it was ok (after bombarding them with cat videos to soften the mood). They were cool with it. B was feeling shitty, but I made sure to have a  ‘thing’s will get better stay strong friend’ attitude because apparently being sympathetic won’t work. 

 

2 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Does B support you when you have issues? 

No. A has reached out a few times. A likes helping people. They would help me distract my thoughts. But that’s about it.

B, though, I guess hasn’t really supported me? But she’s always overwhelmed, and I understand that sometimes you just can’t worry about others when your life is insane. Plus, I never really talk to her privately about any issues I’m having. I usually go to the group chat and vent on a specific venting chat. But yeah...she and A never really reach out.

 

But I understand it’s because I don’t give them a chance to make a move. I’m impatient. And scared.

 

I need to accept that A and B don’t want me to be anything but a casual friend. I’m at fault because I got carried away and gave too much. Eventually I started wanting more from them, and I was heartbroken when they started dating. But my dumbass was persistent. I don’t know what I want with them. They’re interesting and admirable people to me. I’m lonely and I know I should just give up on these two, but I don’t want to. I won’t give too much anymore. I won’t think of us as anything but casual internet buddies. 

 

I know I fucked up. I squished a little too hard on those people from the group chat.

 

Thank you @Apathetic Echidna for your words. Wish I was apathetic about human relationships. But I’m not.

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@AutistAro I'm glad you seem to have straightened some things out for yourself. I hope you are feeling better and more balanced, even if all the feelings are hard. I don't think you have to give up on them, I don't think anyone expects you to. We should all cherish and tend whatever friendships we find because we never know what the future will bring :) (read that line with a optimistic voice, the last thing I want is to make a prediction of doom! I wish I was more apathetic cause this evening my friend basically started having a meltdown cause she feels like a pariah for not being in a relationship when literally 80% of her friends are engaged/newly married and it just hurt so much to watch her freak out)

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