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Advice - My best friends has a crush on me


PhysicsOwl
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I'm not sure where to post this, so let me know if this isn't the right spot and I'll move it.

 

So my best friend has a crush on me, and, since I'm aroace, I don't like her back. She's been strongly hinting at it, and has tried to ask me out like 3 times since October, and I have been steadfastly ignoring it. We go to different colleges and talk on facebook and tumblr, so ignoring it hasn't been too hard, but she's my best friend, so I can only ignore it for so long. The other thing is that I haven't come out to her yet (I think she thinks I'm straight, but we're both girls so idk). I want to tell her, but I'm bad at talking about my feelings as it is, so this just makes it more complicated. I don't want to wait until she asks me out (again) and make turning her down about me but I also don't want to bring it up out of nowhere. But I feel like I should do it soon because we're spending all summer together and I don't want to make that weird, since I'm sure I would have to confront it once I see her in person. I'm not worried that she won't accept my asexuality and aromanticism, but I'm worried that once she knows I don't like her, our friendship will be weird. And I'm not out to anyone else to ask for advice, but I feel bad telling someone else first, and coming out to someone else probably wouldn't be that much easier. This kind of stopped being a question, but I don't know what to do, so if anyone has any advice or solidarity that would be great. 

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That is certainly a tough position to be in. It's almost always a good plan to tell the truth. Communicate with her and tell her what you are (or rather are not) feeling. Tell her that you don't feel that way about anybody. It sounds like you have no desire for a romantic relationship at all.

 

If this is chewing you up inside (which is sounds like it is), then the sooner you spill the beans the better. You are probably going to tell her at some point in your life, whether it's today, or ten years from now. Might as well avoid a decade of stress wondering if you should tell her, and just tell her.

 

Make sure you set aside a time where neither of you will be distracted, and get her in a one-on-one situation, even if it is over Skype. I hope she receives what you are saying well.

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The truth, or something similar, will come out eventually. If you're going to be spending all summer together, you'd probably prefer to come out to her before then. If you don't, you'll be spending all your time together worrying about how she thinks about you, and when she's going to ask again, and how you'll dodge the question this time. It might make the friendship weird, yes, but for you it already is. If you do talk to her about it, make sure to tell us how it goes!

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  • 3 months later...

I don't know what to suggest other than coming out before you meet for the summer is a good idea. Having a conversation about it and giving her time to process and digest the information before you start hanging out might make it less awkward later on.

 

Last time a friend had a crush on me I gave him my tumblr because I didn't feel like coming out for the millionth time :P too bad it's not that easy for you :/

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1 hour ago, aussiekirkland said:

I don't know what to suggest other than coming out before you meet for the summer is a good idea. Having a conversation about it and giving her time to process and digest the information before you start hanging out might make it less awkward later on.

 

Last time a friend had a crush on me I gave him my tumblr because I didn't feel like coming out for the millionth time :P too bad it's not that easy for you :/

 

I definitely agree about giving time to process the information. Having been on the other side of Dee's, *ahem* situation... I know it can be a little hard to take in at first, especially since they probably think about you a lot, but I don't think you need to worry. It's okay if they act a little more awkward or shy after you come out to them; the awkwardness does fade over time as they come to accept the situation.

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1 hour ago, brsajo said:

 

I definitely agree about giving time to process the information. Having been on the other side of Dee's, *ahem* situation... I know it can be a little hard to take in at first, especially since they probably think about you a lot, but I don't think you need to worry. It's okay if they act a little more awkward or shy after you come out to them; the awkwardness does fade over time as they come to accept the situation.

Meet Brones: A+ ally :aropride:

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I have been in this situation twice before, once before I realized I was aro ace and once after I realized I was ace (but not after I realized I was aro). The best thing to do is tell them you are not interested in anything romantic. It might be easier for her to hear that you are aro, because then she would know it's nothing personal. Despite the media claiming that a friendship with a one-way crush isn't a "real" friendship, I think being friends with someone who has a crush on you can work, as long as they know you aren't romantically interested and choose to still be your friend. It is possible she will decide she doesn't want to be as close to you after this, but the truth has to come out. 

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