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Anya
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Hi! I just joined this forum, and thought I'd say hello. How are you guys? You can call me Anya, and I'm aromantic and... (kind of?) demisexual, but I'm a bit unsure about my sexuality. It's really hard to describe; I don't know what it really means - I've thought about it for some time and demisexual is my best guess. Except... maybe grey-asexual? Anyways, it's nice meeting you guys! I'm a bit nervous because I don't go to forums a lot and this is my first time going into a forum for aro and stuff so... nice to meet you? I'd like to meet some people even though I'm... like this. This is getting repetitive, but nice to meet you!

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Hi @Anya and welcome to arocalypse. 

 

6 hours ago, Anya said:

and I'm aromantic and... (kind of?) demisexual, but I'm a bit unsure about my sexuality. It's really hard to describe; I don't know what it really means - I've thought about it for some time and demisexual is my best guess

 

You might be interested to check out some of @Ice Queen's posts in that case. A lot of them are about her experience as a demisexual.

 

6 hours ago, Anya said:

I'm a bit nervous because I don't go to forums a lot and this is my first time going into a forum for aro and stuff so... nice to meet you

 

Don't worry, everone here is super nice in my experience :)

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Welcome, no need to feel nervous!

 

12 hours ago, NullVector said:

Don't worry, everone here is super nice in my experience :)

This. I'm still fairly new myself and this has totally been my experience too. 

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15 hours ago, NullVector said:

Hi @Anya and welcome to arocalypse. 

 

 

You might be interested to check out some of @Ice Queen's posts in that case. A lot of them are about her experience as a demisexual.

 

 

Don't worry, everone here is super nice in my experience :)

Hi, thanks for your suggestion! I'll be sure to check them out. Thanks again. And yeah, everyone here seems nice but I've never been in a place like this before so I feel a bit confused... or nervous. Probably the latter. I hope I'll get along with everyone well here regardless! I'm a bit confused about my sexuality since I've heard (or read) that most aromantics are also asexuals, but I guess it's not like "one size fits all" here.

 

And hi, everyone who greeted me! Thanks for being so nice to me. Nice to meet you guys!

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5 hours ago, Anya said:

I'm a bit confused about my sexuality since I've heard (or read) that most aromantics are also asexuals,

 

I don't really buy this. I think what's probably happening here is that most people only encounter concepts like (a)romantic identities and/or the split attraction model through AVEN, due to the history of how these concepts developed. And, obviously, asexuals are way more like to be casually reading stuff on AVEN than sexuals are. I think there are probably as many, if not more, sexual aros as asexual aros in the general population - they just wouldn't often identify as such, due to having never ecountered the terminology.

 

Anyway, you'll find plenty of aro-sexuals of one variety or another on here, including yours truly :)

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16 hours ago, NullVector said:

Anyway, you'll find plenty of aro-sexuals of one variety or another on here, including yours truly :)


I see! Thank you so much for the information. I guess I don't really know what my sexuality is because I still don't know what it really means. I've had thoughts of having sex *(sorry for being crude)* but the "me" I see there isn't me(?) It's hard to explain; it's like I can't imagine myself being there, having sex or being sexually attracted to someone, but I'm not really repulsed or put off by the thought of people having sex. Is this a thing? Also, I've checked out Ice Queen's posts, and I think I'm having more doubts about my sexuality - even more. So demisexuals experience sexual attraction to people they have an emotional connection with and it's nothing like wanting to save sex until you meet the right person, but it's experiencing sexual attraction when you know the right person well enough. It's a bit confusing and difficult for me, but maybe it's because I've never engaged in it. I don't know.

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54 minutes ago, Anya said:

I've had thoughts of having sex *(sorry for being crude)* but the "me" I see there isn't me(?) It's hard to explain; it's like I can't imagine myself being there, having sex or being sexually attracted to someone, but I'm not really repulsed or put off by the thought of people having sex. Is this a thing?

Haha, don't worry about being 'crude', you'll find way worse examples on this forum (some of them probably from me ;))

 

So, you're saying your sexual fantasies (if that's even the right term here?) are more 'third person' than 'first person'?

 

*mild-level TMI follows :P*

So, my sexual fantasies are definitely of the 'first person' variety. I imagine myself 'doing things' or having things 'done to me' by another (female) person. Yours, to me, sound more like abstract general curiosity around the concept of sex than the above, would that be fair?

 

54 minutes ago, Anya said:

It's a bit confusing and difficult for me, but maybe it's because I've never engaged in it. I don't know.

Oh, same here, actually. I also haven't actually had sex myself. I'd imagine that, if done with the right person(s) under the right circumstances, it could be quite helpful for both of us in figuring some of this stuff out :D.

 

I guess don't panic about feeling confused. You'll gradually figure it out. Hopefully we can help too :)

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2 hours ago, NullVector said:

Haha, don't worry about being 'crude', you'll find way worse examples on this forum (some of them probably from me ;))

Haha. Well, from this, you can probably tell that I don't just talk about sex out of the blue with someone, so yeah. I've seen some examples (...a lot worse, yeah) and with who I am I guess I'm a bit startled. Guess that's something I should get used to.

2 hours ago, NullVector said:

So, you're saying your sexual fantasies (if that's even the right term here?) are more 'third person' than 'first person'?

I guess so? I mean, I'd think of a character (to whom the diddly do will happen) that sometimes resembles me and sometimes not, but yeah; it's more in third person than first person. When I imagine it to be myself, like in the flesh, it feels weird. Like it feels wrong, and not supposed-to-be. I honestly can't imagine it happening to me like ever, just like I can't imagine being with someone romantically ever. But I'm interested in it?? I guess I'm just curious about it, seeing that I haven't experienced it, but I'm just confused as to what this makes me. If I'm close with someone, I guess I can do it for them but in the end it's just the same. It'll be more like obligatory than anything (at least as I can imagine it).

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3 hours ago, Anya said:

I guess I'm just curious about it, seeing that I haven't experienced it, but I'm just confused as to what this makes me

Hmm. Maybe sex-neutral or mildly sex-favourable ace or grey-ace? At least, it sounds like you aren't sex-repulsed.

 

3 hours ago, Anya said:

I guess I can do it for them but in the end it's just the same. It'll be more like obligatory than anything (at least as I can imagine it)

Does this way of categorising help at all? (Is it just the secondary sexual desire you experience, or any of the others as well?)

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2 minutes ago, NullVector said:

Hmm. Maybe sex-netral or sex-favourable ace or grey-ace? At least, it sounds like you aren't sex-repulsed.

 

 

Hmm. I guess, yes, I'm not sex-repulsed. Maybe sex-neutral? I don't know. I guess I'm just... in the grey area. I have no idea.

 

4 minutes ago, NullVector said:

Does this way of categorising help at all? (Is it just the secondary sexual desire you experience, or any of the others as well?)

 

Maybe? It doesn't immediately resonate with me, but the “conception of children” purpose thing does make sense to me. I think I found a term that suited me a while ago. It's like what I said: Third-person view when it comes to sexual fantasies. I forgot what the term was, unfortunately.

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3 minutes ago, NullVector said:

Is it on this list?

 

Oh, you’re right! It is! It’s the autochorissexual thing. I mean, I’m not sure if it’s really me, but at least, it resonates with me for the most part. Thank you! But I guess it is a little weird... is it?

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11 minutes ago, NullVector said:

It's okay to be a little weird :)

 

Well, you have a point. But what has been on my mind for a while is that, as should be, “autochorissexualism” isn’t... like a sexuality? It’s more like a fetish, or paraphilia, which therefore makes me feel like I’m some kind of an abnormal person who needs therapy or something.

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What I was getting at with that comment @Anya is that I don't think unusual sexual preferences, fetishes, etc. are a problem in and of themselves. I don't agree with pathologising something just because it's a bit unusual - as long as it's consensual and you're not hurting anyone (including yourself), so what? I'd make similar comments re. 'abnormal'. You don't have to be 'normal' in the literal, statistical sense of being close to a most probable value for something (such as aspects of your personality). I don't think 'normal', in that sense, and 'happy' have any connection to one another whatsoever (there can even be an inverse relation : diversity is only natural, whereas 'normal' can be a Bed of Procrustes, when you unnaturally force yourself to fit it)

 

Having said that, I'm not trying to discourage you from speaking to a therapist, if you think that it might be helpful for you. e.g. some people here have done it and found it helpful. I just wouldn't want someone thinking that they're 'broken' just because they have unusual preferences in some areas (especially when we're here posting on a forum for people with unusual (romantic) preferences!)

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Sorry for misconstruing your words, in that case, @NullVector. I appreciate your kindness and thank you for sharing your view. I also don’t think that fetishes or paraphilia are some sorts of disorders, disease, sickness, pathology and all the like; I just rambled without thinking, and I guess what came out was the result of my insecurity about it.

 

I’m not exactly keen or eager to speak to a therapist, because speaking with therapists to me has always been a bit too professional for me to feel even a tad bit comfortable with it - like it’s more of a business relation or a duty to be fulfilled for the therapist rather than the desire to help me. Of course there are friendlier therapists, but I guess I’ve just generalised them and that’s what I got: professional. It’s like a pain for the both of us, but mostly for the therapist (as my mind tells me).

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@Anya Yeah, I actually feel the same way about therapists as you. I get that talking to a neutral party can be helpful, but, honestly, I'd rather go talk to a friend I trust who isn't too direcly involved in whatever problem I'm having. Introducing the element of commercial transaction does make it weird for me (for similar reasons, I wouldn't want to ever pay someone for sex!)

 

Still, I won't deny that therapists help some people. I think it also depends how serious your problems are. For unusual preferences, I personally wouldn't bother; but with serious problems like trauma or abuse, well, that's probably different (my personal problems are pretty trivial and so I prefer to overcome them by myself and/or with the support of friends).

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On ‎12‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 6:03 AM, NullVector said:

Introducing the element of commercial transaction does make it weird for me (for similar reasons, I wouldn't want to ever pay someone for sex!)

 

Exactly. I have no doubt that my family has thought of sending me to a therapist, but I’m sure they’re not quite used to the idea of one of their family member having to go to a therapist. For me, it’s weird in various ways, but I don’t think I need to point it out anymore. The transaction, the impersonal connection, and stuff... It just feels not right. For some reason.

 

On ‎12‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 6:03 AM, NullVector said:

Still, I won't deny that therapists help some people.

 

I can’t disagree with you on this one. I’ve heard about how therapists help people, and I’m almost tempted to go to one; but for some reason, there seems to be this stigma of having to go to a therapist. Here, or maybe in other places too, having to go to a therapy means you are crazy. Or insane. Out of your mind. The nicest one, “abnormal”. Or maybe “weird” is the nicest one. I’ve tried to connect to a therapist online, but it just... doesn’t work out. It doesn’t have the same effect. But then there's nothing else I can do.

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On 9/12/2017 at 1:03 AM, NullVector said:

Introducing the element of commercial transaction does make it weird for me (for similar reasons, I wouldn't want to ever pay someone for sex!)

yes, that makes it weird to me also, though I am not ideologically opposed to either one.

Hopefully, the difference in quality of service between “amateur” and therapist is much larger than between “amateur” and sex worker… studying for multiple years should have some tangible results, right…? But who knows…

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