Dobby Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 Tw : self-harm, eating disorders (I guess ?) Hey. I think I need to vent a bit, there are some things I need to say and I'm sorry to do it here and to bother the nice people hanging around here, but it's the only place that feels safe enough to do so. Yeah so I've been thinking about it for a while now (several years), but it just absolutely hit me this afternoon that I really don't know what I am doing with my life. Like, this year I started studying in the school that I wanted for so long. And the truth is, I did work for this school, but honestly not at my maximum at all, because I didn't really care if I got in or not. And now that I'm in, i know I should study more (because I barely do right now). Like I know that if I have an absolutely free weekend I should at least study a little bit, because otherwise I might fail my exams. But I don't care if I fail them. I don't care if I fail them and I don't care if I can't do the job I wanted to do for the last 10 years. And if it was only about the studies, ooh it would have been so nice. I used to have a meaning and passions in my life outside of school, before. But I lost it. I used to love doing art so so much. Now I still do art sometimes, but I don't care about it. It feels like doing nothing, but more frustrating. Sometimes I don't eat, even if I know I should, because I don't care. I honestly could, it's not like I can't eat because of a physical or mental block, it's just that I don't care. Sometimes I harm myself but I never regret it, simply because I don't care at all. I really wish I could care, because I know that none of that is good. But I just don't. I really don't care about myself or about my life, everything is so empty and nothing makes sense. A part of me knows that it's not normal that I feel like that. After thinking about seeking professional help for months, last week I finally started the procedures to have an appointment with a therapist. Maybe I'm expecting a little to much from it. I'm not sure they can help me becoming someone I would care about, but I guess I'm going to try. What do I have to lose. Sometimes (like right now), I feel like I really need a hug. But I'm alone (because I moved city to do my studies), and I can't really make friends. Maybe I could if I cared enough. Because some people are really nice and seem to find my presence reasonably enjoyable, and I think I could be friends with some of them. I could. But yeah I really need a hug, and to feel like someone cares about me, even just a little bit. I'm crying right now, but a hug would make things so much better. I still want to live, but just not this life. I still have some sort of hope for the future, because I still remember that things can be better, based on how they used to be. But I'm slowly forgetting, and I don't really know what I'm going to do when everything is gone. It's probably a good thing that I don't care to much because otherwise I would be really worried about my future. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alto Posted October 2, 2023 Share Posted October 2, 2023 *virtual hug* I don't really know what to say to that, but if you want to talk further, we can. I have bipolar disorder, and depression is part of that. I myself have not been depressed for many years, I have almost forgotten what it is like, but I remember being constantly sad and feeling hopeless about my future. Remember that people have been having this experience for thousands of years. You are not alone by any means, even if you feel alone right now. PM me for my Discord info, if you want to talk further. Please keep in mind that I am not a therapist, just a peer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobby Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 On 10/2/2023 at 4:00 AM, alto said: *virtual hug* I don't really know what to say to that, but if you want to talk further, we can. I have bipolar disorder, and depression is part of that. I myself have not been depressed for many years, I have almost forgotten what it is like, but I remember being constantly sad and feeling hopeless about my future. Remember that people have been having this experience for thousands of years. You are not alone by any means, even if you feel alone right now. PM me for my Discord info, if you want to talk further. Please keep in mind that I am not a therapist, just a peer. Thank you very much for your reply, it really means a lot. I'm happy things got a bit better for you ! It doesn't really make things easier, but it's reassuring to know that nobody is alone in this ... I really appreciate your offer about talking further, I will think about this. It's really nice of you, and maybe it could help but at the same time I don't want to bother you haha. And I also try not to rely on individuals too much especially about sensitive topics, because at some point they leave and it's something I don't manage really well. But anyway, thank you very much (and thank you for the huuug <3) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alto Posted October 5, 2023 Share Posted October 5, 2023 On 10/3/2023 at 7:57 AM, Dobby said: I really appreciate your offer about talking further, I will think about this. It's really nice of you, and maybe it could help but at the same time I don't want to bother you haha. And I also try not to rely on individuals too much especially about sensitive topics, because at some point they leave and it's something I don't manage really well. But anyway, thank you very much (and thank you for the huuug <3) You wouldn't be bothering me. You're welcome! <3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.