The Newest Fabled Creature

I absolutely love songs where they associate "dancing" with mingling, and so I often put songs about the singer not wanting to dance onto my aro playlist:

We Don't have To Dance by Andy Black

Dance With Me by Topline Addicts (another song that I added from this band was Bea Arthur)

I Don't Wanna Dance by COIN

But, I also love this band called Mom Rock and two songs I put on my playlist was Bullseye (the song says "Everyone has a heart the shape of a bullseye" which feels a bit amatonormative, but at the same time the people in the music video reject love letters and run from Cupid's bow n' arrow, so I thought it was still a great song to add) and Grand Romantic Life (very much either about someone who doesn't know they're aro or the singer could be interpreted as aro singing about allos).

34 minutes ago, kira- said:

ive engaged in crush conversations a few times, though it was a while ago just to fit in and bc i was pressured to. i pm just used this person who i had known for a while bc of our families as my crush or whatever until i realized i was aro. now i just say that i don’t hv one lol

I also had took part in some celebrity crush conversations to fit in, too. I also did the whole entire aromantic-moment-when-you-picked-who-was-your-crush thing, where I knew I didn't have a crush on this dude in middle school, but when my friends asked me who I liked I felt so on the spot that I picked some guy playing basketball during gym class lol

It's kind of funny thinking back on it now. I knew the guy's name, but when I picked him all I said was, "That Guy™️ hunched over on the court." 💀

I haven't read this book yet that I'm about to suggest, so I don't know how good it is, but I have seen it recommended on AUREA's website - "Stuck In Her head" by Kylie Wang and Liana Tang. It has an aromantic (possibly main?) character, and is overall about two girls' relationships evolving over time and their own relationship with each other slowly morphing into something else. I heard that an animator from the Spider-verse movies made the cover and I thought that was cool! I love how there's queer artists and allies working on the Spider-verse films, given the trans story and advocacy with Gwen, how Peter B. kind of seems to just emit bisexual energy, and then an artist working on a cover for an aromantic book.

I honestly can't see what it's cracked up to be in terms of being alloromantic. I try to be understanding of course, since lots of people I know are definitely alloromantic, and when they get heartbroken I try to console and see it from their point of view (and I often compare their romantic heartbreak to when I have had bad falling outs with friends). But, I just can't see the benefits. I'm happy that I am with friends and family, and having a romantic "special someone" sounds utterly draining and promising to be a bad decision. Of course, I try to be optimistic for my friends and family, and I'm always happy when a relationship works out in the end, but sometimes the thought, "Are they faking it for each other?" enters my head despite knowing that they are not - despite knowing that it's just my aromantic brain thinking that way.

On 3/2/2024 at 2:17 PM, kira- said:

when my whole class is talking abt their celebrity crushes (which make zero sense)

The only times I ever engaged with "celebrity crush" conversations was when I associated the "crush" part with my gender envy and would constantly be thinking of the characters an actor/actress has played and not the actual person. One time in high school my whole entire class entered that type of topic, but they made it clear that you didn't need to have had an actual crush on the actor, so I felt more free in engaging in it; and to which lots of guys in my class started talking about Ryan Reynolds.

On 2/8/2024 at 2:58 PM, Raininspring said:

I genuinely don't understand why couples need to hold hands. In the context of a parent holding a child's hand, I can see it being necessary if the parent is the caretaker and holding the child's hand helps ensure the child doesn't get lost or wander off. But for people who are in a committed relationship, I just don't get it. I've always associated hand holding as something for children. I remember getting to the preteen age phase and my mother still, for whatever reason, wanted to hold my hand whenever we crossed the street and I found it uncomfortable as I didn't see myself as a little child anymore. In another context, once I went hiking with my brother and his girlfriend at the time. He wanted to hold her hand as they both walked. She refused, mostly because both of them were sweaty and she felt gross. I, however, felt repulsed that it wasn't already enough that he was walking side by side with her and was physically close to her but also needed to be even more clingy by wanting to hold her hand. Ugh. 

I kind of never associated hand-holding as romantic for a long time, so when I saw people doing it at a young age I just thought they were wanting to be physically close in that regard, and I kind of only ever saw my gal-friends do it with each other so there was a ton of platonic feedback around doing the action. Now that I'm older all I ever hear is "how romantic" hand-holding is, and I often don't like doing it. I kind of only ever hold hands with family members or friends, to show them I'm there and I feel like when I hold hands with people I care for platonically and familially it has a more deeper and sacred meaning than any romantic interpretation, but I still often don't do it.

On 3/1/2024 at 8:29 PM, Raininspring said:

Personally I don't understand the assumption that if I styled my hair differently or look more dressed up that usual that I must be doing it for a "special occasion" (a date?). I make myself look particular ways because I wanted to, not to look good for someone else.

I also don't really get the point of actually dressing up for the benefit of impressing someone I might be interested in. Why would I go to that effort when the chances are they won't even notice? I can't see myself behaving differently on a date from just a regular hangout with someone. I'd rather the person see me as I usually behave instead of a false version of myself I present to be pleasing to others.

Sorry to quote you for a second time, but I absolutely despise this, too. I normally put a lot into my appearance nowadays (or I just fuss over myself too much), and so it has became quite normal to my family and friends for me to look more up kept, or for me to constantly check my hair. But, when I first start doing that around the time my hair was cut super short (boy's cut) my mom kept on asking me why I was fussing over myself, why I was wearing a unique combination of clothes, why was I yada yada yada. I ended up telling her, "It's because I want to signal "to my people,"" and that got her to shut up lmao

A good friend would not be this obsessive over you. I understand jealousy, lots of people do, but then it is the person's responsibility (the person experiencing the jealousy) to communicate that and not let it control their actions; or, at the bare minimum, not allow themselves to start being a dick because of it. If it's safe to do so, since you said you're worried that she'll do something, try to talk to her about it with a list of all of the times she has been doing this to you. If you feel like you cannot conversate with her, then quietly try to change your dorm situation to where she's not your roommate. You deserve to hang out and keep up relations with your other friends without fear. A good friend wouldn't make you scared in having relationships with other people that have been going on for much longer than your relationship with her.

I can see how this can be difficult. I was initially in a QPR with a friend of mine who is alloromantic allosexual, and although we later on had to break up because I found that I'm completely non-partnering, talking to them about their needs and communicating that they can ask me anything, as long as they respected my boundaries as I respected theirs, was very important and was the top priority of our relationship. Talk to your partner, I'm sure she would be understanding of your predicament as you had been understanding of her identities. Respect and understanding should go both ways for partners no matter what the relationship is nor the identities, and in this case it should go both ways for an allo partner and aspec partner.

On 2/12/2024 at 5:58 AM, MondoBilby said:

I haven't come out to too many people, but the best responses I've gotten were from my parents (especially my dad).

My mum was quite relieved to hear it, she basically just said "That's good, you and I won't have to deal with any romance drama you could've had" lol.

And my dad went on an Ebay shopping spree to buy me a bunch of pride flags and stickers and stuff. I never asked for anything, he just spontaneously bought a whole bunch of crap which was sweet (and funny).

 

That sounds awesome as fuck!

On 2/18/2024 at 2:38 AM, Leistorm said:

The worst initial response I've gotten when I said I'm lgbtq+ in general is my mom not talking to me for two weeks. Just. Stopped acknowledging my presence. Being aro I guess she's ok with since that means I won't be dating anyone, but she doesn't like the affiliation to the lgbtq+ community.

The best, other than my queer friends being supportive, was by a very nice classmate I've known for years. He seems to be your confused but supportive straight guy. But a while ago I mentioned in our French class that "I don't experience romantic love, but platonic bonds are important to me". Note that I did not use the aromantic label because it was in French class and I don't know the word for that. Also, I wanted to keep it a little more subtle instead of screaming "I'm LGBT". But then the very next day, the very nice classmate and I were having a conversation and he said casually, "So, since you're aro, you've probably experienced this differently, but..." and I don't remember what we were talking about, but I remember the pure joy I felt that this dude knew I was aro without me having to give him a huge powerpoint presentation. He's always been one of my favorite people, despite us not being very close, but this only made me like him more. Like, he used that brain for three seconds and realized, "Ohhh, she's aro". And he made sure he mentioned the aromantic label specifically so that I can feel visible/validated. Why can't more people be like this? It takes no more than ten seconds of thought and possibly a couple of google searches. Instead of me having to exhaust myself trying to explain my identity for the tenth time that week.

Hella green flag, his girlfriend is lucky fr.

I'm sorry that your mom reacted like that, but I love your classmate for going out of his way for you to be validated. I love it when people can surprise us like that, whether they look up what you describe online and find the identity, or they already knew it from the get-go.

I often struggle so much to write anything, but when I think about wanting to write I often think about making romantic stories (usually they're queer), or aromantic stories. I've role-played before in D&D sessions and have had characters that were alloromantic (this was before I ever questioned if I was aro), and I also had characters that preferred to be single. Nowadays, despite potentially wanting to write romance still, I don't think I can roleplay an alloromantic character anymore without feeling like I'm forcing my character to do something. If I played another alloromantic character again, they would have a perception of love coded through an aro-lens where it would be very non-normative, and it would feel like I'm performing more than just performing my character, if that makes any sense. And often when I think back on my alloromantic characters, I realize that back then I felt no difference in the platonic relationships I had with other characters and the romantic interests my character had.

You can be aromantic and enjoy romantically coded, or full on just romantic, things! Action =/= attraction.

I get how you feel, and it's alright to end up questioning everything again because of those thoughts. I don't have much advice, other than if identifying as aro/aro-spec makes you feel the most comfortable, then you are aro/aro-spec. For the possibilities you listed, that is for you to do a deeper dive on, for no one else can truly know what you're feeling other than yourself, but the second possibility you mentioned I have actually experienced and potentially other aros have experienced, as well. I know in my hearts of heart that I don't want a romantic relationship and I just can't feel romantic feelings towards other people, with me only experiencing the occasional alterous attraction, but I have had intrusive thoughts about marriage and getting with someone romantically, or Hell, even deliberately thinking to myself, "Maybe I should just get with someone because then everything will be more socially easier for me, if only a little." These thoughts are always unpleasant to me, don't spark any joy, and feel more mechanical than my singlehood, which the latter feels a lot more natural to me and makes me a lot more happy. Sometimes, I'll feel this phantom sadness of not having a partner/partners, but at the end of the day I know it's amatonormativity making me feel that way, for that "sadness" isn't preluded with a genuine desire to be with someone, and is just the coexisting feeling with my fear of the world making everything a lot more harder on me and many others for being single. I'm not afraid of being alone romantically, and I'm not actually sad that I don't have a partner, it's just the foundations of benefits and rights that single people don't get compared to married people, is what scares me - is what drives me to think those unpleasant romantic thoughts. I know with a lot more advocacy and recognition, that single alloros and single aros can get the benefits that they need to be able to actually live in society, and to be able to take care of their loved ones/friends/family/pets/etc, but for right now we have to constantly worry for ourselves in a way that people who do desire romantic relationships and marriage don't have to do.

This would probably be my first ever ASAW where I celebrate? As in, just being more active on the aromantic side of things, and trying to find aro creators to support - especially aros of color with Black History Month going on. I would love to buy more aro pride stuff, but I still have to be discreet about that side of me; though I did get away with buying a "No Romo" patch just recently.

I'm aroallo, and from recently retaking the Myers Briggs/16Personalities test, I got the INFP-T (Advocate) type.

Heya! It's alright to be questioning your identity if you feel like what you're experiencing "contradicts" what it means to be aro(spec), but I promise that despite what you're feeling, you could still be a-spec for it, if you decide that you are! For insight, if you want some, I experienced the same thing as you (with anyone of any gender) and came to the conclusion that it was alterous attraction. I'm not trying to say that that's what you're experiencing, of course. I felt immense physical qualities of what it meant to be crushing on someone; chest getting all heavy and anxious with emotion, butterflies in the stomach, blushing, etc - but I lacked the desire to actively engage with the individual I was meshing on, romantically (a "mesh" meaning an alterous "crush"), and I didn't think about dating the person nor fantasizing marriage, despite wanting a deep emotional closeness that I surmised as the "crush part." I called them crushes back then, but it lacked the romantic feeling behind the word, because I didn't know anything about aromanticism, especially nothing about alterous attraction. I often actually dreaded the mere thought of the person liking me back, and I dreaded the prospect of them wanting to ask me out, or me "needing" to fulfill some societal expectation of what it means to crush on someone by asking them out myself. So, even if the person did like me back, I never acted out on my want to be deeply close with them in a non-romantic sense (in the subconscious fear that the person would view the action as romantic regardless) and was relieved when slowly the person moved on from their feelings they had towards me.

What you said did remind me of the identities 'orientated aroace' and 'angled aroace'. I forget their differences, but what they share in common is that they experience a certain non-romantic and non-sexual attraction to a certain gender, or genders, that is significant enough to warrant a place next to their aromanticism and asexuality. Despite orientated and angled being primarily for aroaces only, sometimes you can experience a certain attraction in the aromantic sense, or asexual sense, to where you can be oriented just aromantically, or just asexually, and vice-versa with angled.

I'm not saying you're orientated or angled, but they're identities worth looking into. Regardless of what conclusion you come to, you are welcomed here.

Hello my name is Memphis, Arocalyptic Amphibian Deity of the Lagoon.

6 hours ago, Raininspring said:

My personal opinion is my allo coworker's infatuation was never a normal attraction. He is significantly younger than me by 12 years (I am 34, he is 22) so in the beginning I thought it was his age that made him a bit immature, despite that he has had serious girlfriends before. But now I think it is also a matter of life perspective. I have zero romantic relationship experience compared to him,but being who I am, I cannot imagine allowing myself to become so lost all due to an obsession with another person. He put her on a pedestal and even at times when her behavior gave him red flags, he was still blinded by the high of being around her. This is the dark side of amatonormativity that gives me the creeps. People allow themselves to be sucked into something that is clearly destructive.

I can see how uncomfortable it is to listen to coworkers talk about their love lives. I do not necessarily disagree with that lifestyle, but I do think it is problematic when romantic relationships become the person's focus all the time and they neglect to make time for their friends and room to enjoy life without constantly needing involvement from the person they are romantically attracted to.

I agree with you on all of that. In my opinion, if a romantic infatuation becomes so obsessive that it damages one's relationships with others and damages one's relationship with their self, then it's not worth pursuing, but that's easier said than done for some allos. Like, I also have zero romantic experiences, but even then I'll notice these patterns and come up with solutions for the allos I know in my life, and these would be solutions that you'd think someone who has been through those types of romantic feelings or relationships would come up with from the get-go themselves; a lot of allos do, and some of them gain the knowledge of their own patterns and tendencies through time and more experience, but there would be allos who are just clueless about themselves sometimes.

I recently got a white ring as well! I think it's one size too small, but it can easily slide off!

On 2/4/2024 at 8:48 PM, Raininspring said:

I have an alloro coworker (hetero cisgendered male) who literally become infatuated with a female coworker from the moment he saw her. After that it was like an uncontrollable obsession I saw him descend into with trying at every turn to spend time with her, even after he asked her out and she declined and just wanted to be friends. I was, at times, amused at his "puppy love" but later on also perplexed and a little concerned at his fixation on her. He started seeing aspects of her personality he disliked and for a period even swore off hanging out with her, only to go back on his word. Almost all our colleagues ended up disliking her for her poor work performance and advising him to set more boundaries with her outside of work, but he would not listen. I was appalled at how he was letting himself self destruct all because of some girl who didn't even reciprocate his feelings, and he wasn't dealing with that conflict in a healthy way. In his case, it was truly frightening for me to see how once his crush began he didn't know how to reign it in, even bemoaning once that he shouldn't have ever met her at that party (as if it was not his choice to develop intense uncontrollable feelings for her).

Woah! That sounds intense and mind-boggling! It kind of reminds me of my own co-workers who would talk about their romantic infatuations - not much like how that guy experienced his, but they would talk rather spontaneously about their love for someone, or the love for their current partner, and it always didn't click with me or left me bewildered.

Has someone said Bilbo Baggins yet? I can't even remember if I said something about him yet.

I kind of see him as both aromantic and gay. Sometimes my headcanon will split and I would argue, "He's aromantic!" or other times I'll say, "Oh my Gods he's so gay," but most of the time I end up saying he's both. I absolutely love the friendships he forms with the dwarves, and how he's unmarried and practically raised Frodo by himself. But, sometimes I do like the ship between him and Thorin Oakenshield, even the romantic ones, so a little headcanoning of them being in a QPR does wonders for my soul.

On 11/27/2023 at 3:35 PM, Synthetic Adrenaline said:

Sure but it's a bit hard to be sexually attracted to such people. This is not a judgement on their humanity or dignity...it's just a fact. I can like them and respect them but I wouldn't get any urge to have sex with a 500 lb man lol.

Like what Alto said, don't speak for everyone. There are many people who are obese or fat that are literally married. And I don't see how you can even try to speak for everyone when other people try to speak for us. There are some people try to give us "respect" and "dignity," but secretly don't view us as valid.

There are people who don't see the validity in our friendships or relationships because of what we are. There are people who don't see the validity of our very own existences. There are people who say that it's "reality" that everyone falls in love or experiences sexual attraction, or wants some kind of relationship, even friendships. So, you can't try to speak for other groups of people.

On 9/11/2023 at 2:28 AM, Holmbo said:

Haha sounds like a very aro thing for your mom to say. I'm thinking it's like nomerci says, people choose whether to act on their feelings. I think there also the act of dating and people maybe conflating that with the actual romantic feeling. Because when you date you usually bring in practical aspects to like does this person seem like they would make a good partner. If they do seem to make a good partner that can increase the persons romantic attraction to them too, and make it seem like they choose their attraction to them.

I did assume that she may have been conflating dating with romantic attraction (much like how some cis people conflate sex with gender because those two things are connected for them) and I think I can see how someone trying to see if a person makes a good partner could make their own romantic attraction stronger, and so maybe that's why she said that?

But yeah, that was a very aro thing for my mom to say lmao.

I hate the immaturity argument, because what parent would want to bum-rush their own child, or children, to completely trust someone of their own age range to not hurt them, or Hell, take advantage of them even, because middle school relationships and high school relationships are kind of traumatic to be honest? It's immature of the parents to do that to their own kid(s), because if you're going to treat your own family like that then why not take sole responsibility of teaching your kid(s) to look for specific warning signs in relationships? Or Hell, take responsibility for your own kid's heart being broken, or their boundaries being breached, because you pushed them to find a partner?

As someone who may call themselves a loveless aro even when I don't always consciously identify as such, I always hated the argument that aros can "love in other ways." It's not that I'm trying to say that there aren't aros who do love in other ways, but it felt like the aro community was still trying to use love to humanize ourselves. It feels unnecessary to broaden the word "love" in the attempt to still be considered human when aphobes will not like us anyway nor consider that we exist in the first place. I didn't like it when some alloroaces used love to humanize themselves, but when I see fellow aro-specs get caught up in that as well, I oftentimes just want to be an ass and say that I don't love in other ways, and never will, even though I do; I know it'll look like I'm contradicting myself in saying that, but there are aros who don't love in other ways at all, and there are aros who do, but we shouldn't utilize that as some weapon to where we're just segregating ourselves from each other.

On 10/7/2023 at 12:30 AM, ozymandias said:

This is my first time writing on here, and I genuinely need advice. I have had some perhaps unique experiences, and are wondering if anyone relates. Sorry for the paragraph in advance, just needed to put it into words. Please, read to the end.

Is it normal for an aromantic to "obsess" over romance? Like thinking about it constantly, watching for warning signs in people and always watching motives, liking occasional romantic stuff, ect? This is all very funny because me myself don't feel that way about people very often, so it seems like a paradox. There is this constant sinking feeling in my chest and I believe it is being caused by that. For some reason, in the fall I always become a little more uncertain about myself, which is odd (maybe because of hoco and lots of stress on romance). I really would like to believe I am aromantic, but I am young and don't want to shut out the possibility of the other, even though I am perpetually terrified of relationships in real life. I like romance, but the thought of it being in my real life and letting myself get to that point terrifies me. It seems as though there are two people inside of me, one romance favorable and the other scared. Maybe I am just shutting down emotions, even though none have been for a real person in a while. Which is amusing because even though I can imagine myself with "them" (it literally can be anyone), it is never "me". It is just a story, a work of fiction. I don't know how to explain it in the most tactful way, it just feels wrong. I have had problems with trusting people, so maybe what I am craving is just a person I can trust with anything. I feel like a fraud, truly. I probably am having trouble differentiating between romantic and platonic attraction. In all honesty, I don't think I could, my idea of romance has been twisted to the point of unrecognition. I don't really know what romantic attraction really feels like anymore. Sometimes I wish I could live as a blind allo living in blissful ignorance, with no knowledge of anything of the sort, and just feel. Oh well. Can't go back now. This all probably seems very melodramatic, but I am just trying to be as logical and pragmatic as I can in this situation. The real reason I am writing this down is because I haven't in truth seen many other aros have this problem before and am wondering if any others have experienced this before. Some say the definition of aromantic is to either not feel romantic attraction, or have a unique experience with romance/romantic attraction, but a lot of what I have seen on this site is the first. I am probably some mixture of the two. All i know is that something isn't right, and I have become desperate enough for an identity to ask random strangers on the internet. 

I really would appreciate some advice, anything. Just if you relate to the experiences, I don't even care. I feel very alone. I really hate the thought of me being an allo in denial, but if that is the way it should be, that is the way it is. To be quite honest I am terrified of romance in my real life, and I think that thought would finally send me a little further off the edge. To be even more honest, I don't have a solid "point" to this entire writing, but it feels good to somehow put it into words. I know I am signing myself up for disappointment by even asking about something as convoluted as this in the first place, but I am past that point of caring now (i definitely still care dont fall for that). I think I am aro, in some way or another, but I don't know how comfortable I would be using that outside of my own head.

Sorry for the vent, genuinely thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot to me, although I am pretty scared to see what people think of this whole writing.

signing off, ozymandias 

I completely relate to the feeling of being "obsessed with romance," for I was like that before I realized I was aro and after. I feel like I have become a lot more aware of what romantic culture is (if you can even call it that), and I often strain myself in every social interaction to make sure that the person I'm talking to isn't somehow attracted to me in any way; sounds paranoid, I know, but it's not that I do it with every person I meet, I usually do that with people I'm just getting to know, which I rarely ever want to get to know new people. When I thought I was alloromantic, I would question often as to why the thought of me being in a romantic relationship made a pit open up in my stomach, and I questioned why I felt like I was just shutting down emotions around people who I speculated could've romantically liked me. I was confused and scared that I wasn't allowing myself to experience feelings or to experience relationships that I heard so constantly from friends that were amazing things, and yet those same friends would be crying their hearts out because their partner left them, or cheated on them, or when said friends would come to the conclusion that the relationship was never once healthy so they had to let their ex-partner go.

I never once understood why I was like that. Until I found out that I was aro. And everything made so much more sense. I slowly let go of the feeling that I wasn't "allowing" myself to experience certain feelings or relationships, and instead saw for what I was doing at a young age - and that was simply avoiding something that I didn't want.

I wish I could give you some advice, if you're still lost in all of this, but I don't think I can help in any new way that other people here have tried, and so I'll just say this: you're not alone. I promise.