Untamed Heart

On 6/22/2016 at 0:33 AM, Tal Shi'ar said:

As a grey, my attraction levels are high enough to be noticeable, but in such a way that it's minimalistic enough where it might as well be non existent.

I feel about the same. I can identify a "hot" person (though I now feel it's more on the 'appreciating aesthetic beauty' side than 'I'd like to hook up', and if I've developed a crush on that person, I'll usually feel a strong desire for sensual touching or hugs), though I'm pretty sure my idea of hot is unconventional. My ex was 5'7" and 18 stone, cute paunch, brown hair and slightly baby faced. He's the only person I've actually had sex with, but it was more 'I want to make you happy, you're being really respectful and not pushy, and I'm curious' than "you're so hot I must have sex with you". He actually asked me if I felt like I needed permission to do anything to him, and I hadn't even been thinking about it at all

Other times I can feel "something" sexual when I see pictures of stereotypically hot men (though I actually really dislike muscles), but it's more of an uncomfortable and unwelcome feeling than something I might want to act on.

You're right in that not a lot happened, even though one of the boys was apparently such a massive dick in general the teachers were trying to get him removed from the school. That didn't happen, but in a way I did feel like I might have someone on my side when I found that out. But school was just horrible anyway lol. Thanks for the concern  

I honestly hadn't heard that, I thought allo and zed were the same thing. At least, the way I've seen them used suggests they are. But I could be wrong.

That one's fairly new to me, too, but I still prefer allo because I find it easier to remember.

I wished I was a robot in high school. I couldn't stand all the sexual harassment and the boys mocking me for being annoyed or upset at them for doing it.

I didn't mean anything by that, so sorry if it came over that way. It's just your "nice guys" comment struck a chord with me. I went to a mental health conference with Mind some years back (a couple of friends and our group leader), and we gave a lift to this other random guy on the way home who invited me to the pub when we were dropped off. I only agreed cos it was roasting hot that day, even for May, and I really needed a drink. I regretted it cos he was very touchy feely and overly complimentary to me (a complete stranger) and kept saying "I'm not dangerous, you can trust me," but he made me uncomfortable because of all the touching and over-niceness.

He even invited me back to his house, but all I could picture then was being on TV headline news, being wheeled out of a basement on a stretcher 6 months later...

I can understand the "nice guy" thing but it's kind of creepy in a way. Convince me you're nice and/or trustworthy through your actions towards me, rather than saying it. Anyone can say they're nice, actually being nice/trustworthy are different things.

Heh, before I found places like this site, I used to fantasise about someone scanning my brain while I was in relationships and seeing what the hell was going on up there!

I actually pasted that list into Word yesterday and highlighted the stuff that definitely applied to me in some way. Red for no, green for yes and pink for sort of. I got 4 reds, 31 greens, and 7 pinks lmao. Here are some of my greens: 

When you discovered the word “aromantic,” it felt like something finally clicked into place for you.

Identifying as aromantic makes you feel relieved, free, happy, or more like yourself.

You don’t understand why other people make such a big deal out of having crushes or falling in love.

When a romantic relationship gets serious, it makes you feel cold, distant or uncomfortable.

Your romantic partners always seem to be way more into the lovey-dovey stuff than you are

You have felt suffocated, repressed or tense in a romantic relationship, even though you really liked your partner and they hadn’t done anything wrong.

You want a best friend much more than you want a romantic relationship.

The idea of being single forever sounds awesome to you.

You avoid going places where people are likely to flirt with you, such as bars, parties, nightclubs, and concerts.

Yarmouth - Chav Central of Norfolk, with death wish bus drivers, Marilyn Manson wannabe seagulls and road layouts that will make you wonder if the town planners are trying to do their bit for Population Control.

I can relate to that, a bit. I've only said 'I love you' to one boyfriend and actually felt like I meant it. And we were more like passionate best friends, long distance, only met once. I'm actually pretty certain it would have been much different if we'd been able to see each other in person - I really liked him, but one time, he texted me and said "I knew I wanted to be more than friends with you," and I was so freaked out by it he actually had to calm me down afterwards  

I agree with that too. Even when I've really 'like liked' someone in the past, it's still difficult for me to interact. I might feel more incentive to, but those "special feelings" don't magically make it easier. I've been very lucky with my friendships in that they were patient with me for being a bit weird at times, but over time it's got easier to talk and stuff. But people I get feelings for out of the blue and suddenly want to talk to and be around more (e.g. potential fiance/spouse material)? Nope.

11 hours ago, James said:

I wouldn't know what to do if I actually caught one

Same, except I actually do get crushes in the first place. I swear, my last relationship felt like walking into a room and forgetting why I went in there...

As in, actually keeping the rich husband around for company, not bumping him off and making it look like an accident, so you then become rich and single again? 

I'm (possibly) a bad grey-ro because I don't feel I put nearly enough effort into trying to find out what was actually 'wrong' with me when it came to relationships, even though it seemed obvious that what I felt was outside the norm. Google is useless when searching for stuff like "I both like and feel indifferent towards a person at the same time and it's stressing me out", and I felt it would have been difficult to fit counselling sessions in with my prior work schedule, since I did varied shifts which included nights. 

I'm also bad because I question whether what I feel is actually more normal than I think it is, but I don't believe it's normal, e.g. if someone says something like "of course not everyone feels romantic towards their partner all the time, that's normal, stop trying to make it an orientation!" what I think is they're probably thinking of people who are already in long term relationships and have passed their honeymoon stage, whereas I, consistently, don't really get that in the first place. 

The controversy over the Lithromantic label kind of makes me not want to use it, even though a lot of it really fits me, and I actually like the words lithro and akoiromantic a lot. They've become like little adopted word babies to me now. I still want to make an akoiromantic shirt for myself because of the koi carp pun.

ETA: I'm also really bad because if I could be magically "fixed" and go back in time (but me retaining the bare bones relevant info and his mind wiped of anything that would prevent us dating), I'd go back to my ex... and he's literally the only person I've been out with I can say that about. Even though I ended up feeling nothing. Yeah, it's weird but I miss him, ironically 

I did reply on Aven, but might as well copy and paste here too

1. "I enjoy fictional romantic relationships and would like to experience the same kinds of feelings" I enjoy romantic fiction, but vicariously? 

2. "I like nearly everything about romantic relationships but do not experience romantic attraction" I experience attraction now and then, but don't enjoy being involved, even when I liked the other person enough to agree to dating and thought it would be different this time.

3. "I would like to be in a romantic relationship, just not with anyone I have ever met" I don't really want a romantic relationship at the moment - also, most of the time if I am attracted I do want to be with that person, I just sense, from previous experience, that I wouldn't actually enjoy it if it did happen.

4. "I love the idea of romance but I can't deal with it in real life" Sort of? It's more I like it in theory and love indulging in my romantic fantasies but would prefer not to have it happen in real life

5. "I would like to be in a romantic relationship for practical reasons (not feelings)" Possibly in future, but I also need a lot of space/autonomy and there is a danger of it fizzling out quickly if I have too much space? It's a difficult balance and probably easier to just not be involved in the first place.  

6. "I think I would like it if someone had romantic feelings for me" Similar to Q3? I kind of like the idea someone likes me back, but then my feelings get weird. I feel sad or slightly offended/something else undefined if they don't act on it, but them acting on it would probably make me not like them any more at some point in the near future.

7. "I would be fine in a romantic relationship or a QPR" With the right person (probably an aro?) but I feel I'm too independent to really want anyone else that badly. My first relationship was close to being like a long distance QPR I guess.

8. "I would like to know what it's like to experience romantic attraction" I do experience it, it's a nice feeling in part, but I also hate it at the same time.

9. "I'd rather be romantic than aromantic" I'd rather be aro/ace than greyro/ace or grey ace

10. "I can't imagine spending the rest of my life as an aromantic person" I'd be happy being single for the rest of my life and wish I didn't feel attraction for anyone.

11. "Being in a romantic relationship would help me attain other goals in my life" Maybe, but I think if I could overcome my laziness/low motivation it would help me a lot more. 

12. "I think dating sounds like fun" Not really. I've tried it and thought it was weird when the guys implied it was meant to be fun. I never understood how? I think I just don't have the needed feelings to make it enjoyable. I didn't find it as advertised lmao

There were only about 3 or 4 guys I was interested in to varying degrees during high school (over a few years), all ultimately unattainable, but I rejected any guys who actually did ask me out, because A) they were all jerky B) what would we even do? The one guy I did agree to go out with - I can't even remember why - it didn't feel like I was with anyone because he didn't really talk to me or anything (he seemed like a bit of a narcissist, though), but I didn't really mind. He got a bit pissed off when I dumped him because I didn't see the point in being with him, but I didn't care one bit.

And this is probably more to do with my aceness than grey-ro-ness, but some kid said I was 'sexy' when I was angry, so I tried not to get angry in front of him after that  

Well, they're all (generally) less trouble than human partners. I guess that's partly why crazy cat ladies prefer cats over men?  

Just remembered something from high school - guys asking me out and I'd just tell them to join the queue... without mentioning I wasn't going to actually do anything about the guys in it lmao

Eventually males all imitate life

HORSE

Sounds good to me  

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PENUT

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CHOKE

I guess in my case, I'm more of a tomboy than a very feminine person and wouldn't care if I'd been flat chested? I can see why it wouldn't be classed as gender dysphoria though. I'm comfortable in my body, because I've learned to accept myself more since I left school - not because "I'm a woman with conveniently nice feminine features", but I dislike uninvited male attention, at least if those men seem the type who just see women walking round town as pieces of meat. That's what makes me want to hide my breasts, but I would agree probably not dysphoria in a broader sense.

You might be aro if you've ever imagined being married to Batman, and realise he'd be a good husband precisely because you just wouldn't see each other that much, with you being out at work during the day and him fighting crime all night. It's also a bonus if you happen to be ace as well - Batman would probably be too tired or 'have a headache' when he finally gets home from dealing with all those insane villains