Untamed Heart

I'd rather drive a fast car round a tricky obstacle course that was on fire than get married

I'd rather be a rebel and learn self defence and household management for single people than get married

11 hours ago, James said:

You can travel freely, but your only accessible mode of travel is a squeaky unicycle. It's nuclear-powered, so you can travel all you want. However the squeaky wheel will drive you mad. 

 

I wish the movies accurately portrayed historical sword fighting (without actually injuring the actors).

 

 

 

Granted, they now portray it realistically but all the actors have fierce rivalries and anger management issues, causing them to break into sword fights every five minutes, so the plots never go anywhere.

I wish my dad were more erudite.

YMBAI: you listen to the song It's Raining Men and just start pondering the logistics of building an umbrella that would withstand someone landing on it from a great height, and wondering what would happen to all the bodies after the 'shower' was over? How would these men even survive falling out of the sky? So many questions...

On 6/16/2017 at 5:34 PM, Gingerplume said:

I also just... outright don't like kids, awful as it may sound. I find them very frustrating and nonsensical. They're needy and tactile. And sure, that's not their fault! It's not like they do it to piss me off. They're just tiny and vulnerable and need intense care. But in much the same way that I wouldn't buy an exotic pet I didn't have the physical resources to care for right, I'm not gonna create a tiny human that I don't have the patience and calmness to deal with. I know people say "oh but it's different when it's your own", but combined with all the above concerns, that's just not incentive enough for me.

This, especially the last line. I mean, even a lot of people who say that secretly regret having them at all.

I also dislike that strangers think their opinions on your choice to be child free or not even matter lol. Some of them are really hypocritical/contradictory too. Like, you can't just have no kids but [insert arbitrary number] is "too many" (even though that depends on the parents). If something happens and you're finding it hard to get emergency childcare or something, there's always someone who will look at your situation and say you should have thought about that before having kids. Yup, I'm gonna consider every hypothetical situation and the likelihood of finding my hypothetical family in each one before I decide whether or not to get pregnant or impregnate someone else... 

Glad I only have the "but why don't you want kids?!" BS to deal with.

You're not as alone as you think - other people have really weird feelings that make no sense towards 'romantic interests' as well. Some of them even understand what you're talking about! The impression you get of romance and love is a Hollywood sham - it really is easier for you to be by yourself. I'm glad you didn't buy into the toxic messages too deeply, at least. 

Also, thanks for the memory of kneeing that dickhead you used to hang out with in the groin. It might have been an accident but he deserved it.

On 4/3/2016 at 10:54 AM, coffeejester said:

For now I guess I would identify as grey-romantic because I did have crushes in the past, but when I did end up in a relationship with a few of them, I immediately lost interest/ could not develop my feelings further. If I had to describe how it's like to me, it feels like my emotions just half ass love. So the crush part is down pretty well, but the part with the romance and showing loving concern is kinda out of the picture

This is pretty much how I feel for the most part, too. Added to that, I get very anxious and stressed out when nothing's even wrong. I think I'm really insecure as well, but I'm really unsure as to whether therapy of any kind would resolve those underlying issues to the point where I'd actually be able to enjoy a relationship, or whether it really is just how I am. I suspect it is the latter, though. I look back on my other relationships/crushes that I tried to pursue and all I really see is infatuation/idealisation of the other person at best, and a superficial connection on my part (though it's taken me a while to realise this). A couple of guys (one a crush who did eventually start liking me back, the other a boyfriend) I didn't care a bean when I walked away/let them go. I wanted things to be so different with my last boyfriend, but it was still a relief to let him go, because I was fighting myself every step of the way when we were together.

Ah, if only we could print posters of that and stick them in convenient spots  

I think if you're aware you don't see boys, or girls in 'that' way at the age you are, especially if many/all of your peers are getting crushes/going out with someone, I'd say it's a fair chance you are ace/aro. That's not to say it won't ever change in the future, as for some people sexuality/romantic attractions can be more fluid, and some people are 'late bloomers', but really only time will tell and it might never happen for you. I don't think you necessarily have to be a romantic/sexual person either, to experience other kinds of attraction such as sensual, aesthetic etc.

I'm not afraid of being alone per se, but I'm wondering how I'm going to survive on my own in the future, especially as I only work part time and have no real idea how to get a better job, especially where I live. I'm too stubborn to move, too. I have no real skills aside from art I guess, and my ideal kind of job (aka fantasy) would involve working by myself or with minimal contact with other humans. I know I could always try and persuade someone to live with me and split rent/even a mortgage (again, I'm probably living in a fantasy thinking the latter would be possible), but I have no intention of deliberately finding a partner with a better job than I have, for such purposes. At best it would feel disingenuous. 

Reading about mortgages is kind of scaring the shit out of me, but that's kind of the route I want to take at the moment.

6 hours ago, Louis Hypo said:

Is that not the single parent model? I don't think model has much effect on the upbringing, it would obviously be down to the people bringing up the child. Although it is put on a podium as idyllic which isn't true. Just so long there's someone truly caring and raising and no bad people in the home it's all good.

I do agree with you there, and I realise after reading the replies here I'm probably being really biased (since dad wasn't really that hands on and more interested in going down the pub, I feel like my mum was essentially a single parent. I really admire single parents and people who raise kids in non-traditional set-ups, where it works, just don't like it when someone does Easy Street when they could/should be more involved or supportive and grumbles when they get asked for that). 

I'm down with pretty much any family dynamic that works, and that does also depend a lot on who's involved. I saw this documentary a few years ago where a man had something like 8 wives raising their children together and it seemed to really work for them. I really liked the concept of it.

20 minutes ago, NullVector said:

There is also (and I hope you'll forgive me being a bit snarky here!) the flipside of the saying "misery loves company". Which is "misery resent hold-outs"  

Could that also go some way towards explaining some of that hostility towards the "child-free" from people stressed-out by their own child-rearing responsibilities?

I'd imagine this is very possible (and all snark is forgiven lol). I think that even if you're really sure about wanting children, there's not a whole lot that can prepare you for it, not even child minding really, because you know you'll get to give them back. I think having other people round who can help, paid or not, would help provide some balance but not everyone's that lucky.

20 minutes ago, NullVector said:

Also, it would be the height of irresponsibility to have children if you weren't pretty sure you wanted them. As you'd be bringing a potentially unwanted child into the world, which would be a lot for that child to have to deal with psychologically growing up. So, again, child-free / childless-by-choice people are actually being very responsible by not having children they aren't sure they would want.

This is what I wanted to get at earlier, before my brain fart  while it does work out better than some people expected, the stakes are too high for me to feel it's a reasonable risk if you're on the fence. If you really do regret it but also don't feel you can give them up for adoption? It disturbs me a bit to think about how that must feel.

1 hour ago, ApeironStella said:

In fact, that's what bugs me in my community- It is okay if you find meaning in your life by having a baby/adopting one and that's really great and I hope you have enough maturity to take care of one and it all goes well, but when you feel aimless in the life and it is simply pushed down your throat that it should be your aim and you decide to look after one after that, just feels... wrong, for me

I totally agree with you here as well  I get why it's encouraged, and applaud anyone who does step up to the plate, but it's wrong to imagine everyone should/must aspire to it. 

Or, the reasons why it really isn't that unreasonable or selfish to not want children if you just... don't thread  (I hope this is OK in this part of the forum!). Now, this isn't meant to shit on parents and people who do want kids, because people either have that desire/like children or not, and it is a tough job (and as gets pointed out, we do have to keep the population going lol), but rather discuss stuff like the things that society either conveniently brushes under the carpet or plain doesn't want to acknowledge about parenthood that could possibly put some people off, aka covering up the fact it probably isn't as great as it's made out to be, or not everyone enjoys it even though apparently you're supposed to love it.

I was reading a thread on a different forum last night (aimed at and run by parents; I'm child free but sometimes end up there during forays for information/advice via Google. They do have some interesting topics though lol) where someone was saying they hated being a parent, though they still loved their kids, and had tons of replies in general agreement - over 500! 

Reading it further cemented my desire not to have children, because it really sounds like hell to me, but it also got me thinking about how some people say it's selfish and even 'irresponsible' not to have them, which I disagree with on many levels. I think not liking children or not having a maternal or paternal instinct/desire, simple as they come, are good enough reasons on their own. There's not anything wrong with you if you just plain don't like kids. Not to mention the obviously high global population already - there are clearly already enough people parenting in all it's forms out there to give the people who are left cold by the idea some slack. 

The nuclear family model isn't the best for raising children - especially where most/all of the work is left to one parent. 

I had this post planned in my head at work and as usual coming to write it, it hasn't gone how I wanted at all, but they're basically my own reasons for not really wanting to have children myself and justifying it (not that I care if people do think I'm selfish - I just don't see the point and like my life as it is without them). Feel free to add your own and discuss your feelings on the topic  

Most of the times I've told partners I loved them, I didn't feel like I meant it or I wondered if I really did (because at least one of them said I didn't love him, but wouldn't explain when I explicitly asked what he meant or what love actually was - he just said it wasn't what I thought it was. Yeah, that was really helpful to someone trying to figure things out ). But I know I feel and mean it if I tell friends/family (not often, because I also feel some resistance to saying it, but at least I don't feel like I'm lying when I do say it).

Off-topic but my favourite song from Lion King is 'I Just Can't Wait to be King'  I like the love song, but mostly because of the tune lol

Apparently I'm a lesbian then as I have longer ring fingers lol. 

I like hugs/cuddles and don't have an inhibition about hugging/kissing someone if I have a sensual attraction to them, and they're OK with it (kissing only if I'm dating them, full mouth/cheek kisses both OK. I hate it when anyone else even kisses my cheek outside of the dating context!), but generally speaking, hugging has to be on my terms. Luckily, pretty much everyone who knows me respects my boundaries and asks first  

I'm more tolerant about being touched than I was as a kid, but I'm still more comfortable with people not doing it.

I don't listen to music so much any more, but these are a few that still have some kind of meaning to me, mostly older stuff by MeatLoaf (I know, I'm weird/old skool )

Read 'em and Weep and It Just Won't Quit, MeatLoaf

Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler

Making Love Out of Nothing At All, Air Supply

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now, Starship

Helena, MCR

45 minutes ago, launchpadtriumphant said:

Starting when I was around 13 or 14, I would just start faking romantic attraction toward people who told me they were attracted to me (those people are and always have been few and far between, but still) because I would always hope that maybe this next person would be the one who actually makes me feel something if I just tried hard enough. 

 

That hasn't really worked out. 

Same, kind of. I do get crushes, but if I start a relationship I usually can't feel a whole lot towards the other person and end up feeling anxious and trapped. I tried to force the little shreds of feeling I had for my ex to sort of coalesce and grow into something I could sustain, but I just ended up feeling really ill. Like, anxious, confused and so depressed my boss called me to the office one morning to ask what was wrong, a few weeks before I got the courage to end it. He was truly lovely, but man, I've never been so relieved to break up with someone.

I agree with that quote too, but not so much in a romantic sense - like Hey You in the corner I apply it more to friends/family/pets than romantic loves. OK, two of those categories are people, but it's kind of the same?  

Until recently I'd always seen kissing as purely romantic - even though I'd grown up seeing people on TV/movies kissing before they had sex (and less so in a purely romantic context). I still don't see kissing as sexual and have never kissed any of my boyfriends with the intention of trying to get sex to happen - not even my ex who's the only person I have slept with!

I don't feel like kissing is gross - though I can totally understand why others do - but I also don't really get anything 'special' from it, either? I think I've enjoyed it because it's romantic coded and one of the few ways I seemed 'allowed' to express how I felt towards certain boyfriends in the past. I certainly don't get butterflies or sparks of anticipation like I've heard other women describe. I vastly prefer hugs to anything else, maybe closely followed by caressing or ruffling hair, but excessive hugging (my preferred level, apparently...) has never been well received by guys  

Why is it important to know which way is North when you're in a new town or wherever? I find road signs a heck of a lot more useful than knowing which direction I'm facing... And why was there no 'straight into the recycling' option for the lingerie catalogue like there was for the tools catalogue? Cos that's what I'd do with it lol

Nope. I'm very definitely female and staying that way (though I don't care if anyone does somehow mistake me for a man, and if I got offered the chance to magically turn into a guy for a while, then return to being myself, I'd take it).

I don't really understand why it's so hard for some people to grasp that some people really don't feel romantic and sexual attraction for people of a single (or both) gender at once (OK, I do, it's mostly amatonormativity/heteronormativity lol). Pretty sure a lot of allos have felt that way about someone, even if they don't recognise it the same way we do. I am just speculating, though, but I don't think it's inconceivable that someone who normally experiences both sexual/romantic attraction at the same time, for people of the same gender at least, can experience only one or the other towards the odd person, whereas that would be the norm for a varioriented person. 

Some stuff about seeing them as a whole person and letting the feelings bloom naturally... yeah, I totally failed at both  

One film I liked that had romance in but not in an overdone way, was Gravity. She was in love with the other astronaut, but in the end I think it turned out she was using it as a distraction from the pain of losing her daughter? (it's been a while since I saw it, so I might be remembering wrong. I did like that it wasn't the main focus of the plot, though).

YMBAI you had to Google 'how to be a girlfriend' just after entering a new relationship.