Erederyn

Hello there! Welcome to the forums, I hope you enjoy lurking around here ?

Also, I like your signature quote "Bonds of people is the true power." 

My family is quite traditional, so having kids is considered a must. They also think it's just sad that I don't want kids- sad for me and for them. My parents put quite some pressure on me since I was a teenager, getting really upset when I would say that I don't want kids and that I don't know what I'm talking about ("you'll change your mind as you get older"). We'd have some arguments about it, but I stood my ground and now they begrudgingly "accept" it .. for now at least. 

17 hours ago, Georgi said:

...she may still be hoping that later I will give her grandchildren (as I'm the oldest one and also afab...?).

I feel this. 

I have some mixed feelings about clubbing. I love going to dance and letting loose with friends and the music (although I go to Latin/hip hop clubs). It can be fun to dance with random people (usually some dudes who approach me) sometimes as well. But I dislike it that people often equate dancing together with me being interested in them and then they get mad when I want to go back to my friends/turn them down. So yeah, that could indeed have to do with my aromanticism 

I do enjoy cuddling. But like you, the intention behind it is important- if it's romantic, then I'm like nope! So usually I cuddle with people I know well and feel comfortable with. I need to be able to trust them, essentially, in order to enjoy it fully. 

On 9/27/2021 at 9:41 PM, Ikarus said:

More dudes should cuddle in my opinion, its cool, and it’s alright. It would help the whole male problem with appearing hyper stoic, and emotionless. Feeling is seen as a weakness a lot, and I think its a sign of toxic masculinity. But if your just not comfortable with cuddling as a dude, that’s your thing, do what you wanna do right... But no need to feel awkward by wanting to cuddle with your bro because of social stigmas. 

Also totally agree with you here!

Interesting article! 

I have experienced this a bit with people I don't know as well or am not as comfortable with but this isn't the case with people I know well. I enjoy doing some things on my own but I often find them more fun and memorable when I do them with friends. I'm pretty lucky, though, with having had friends throughout my life who are chill and don't have high expectations as we often find that what we're doing is not as important as the fact that we're getting to spend time together. I actually sometimes rush through things and don't as fully take it in when I'm alone. So worrying about what others are thinking is not something I've encountered much. I guess it helps that most of my friends have pretty similar tastes as I do and I tend to know my friend's preferances really well.

But I do think in general doing things alone should be more acceptable and encouraged. There's still a slight stigma to it. Especially going out for dinner alone (I mean, I've often encountered needing a minimum of 2 people for reservations ?), which sucks. Sometimes I want to eat something yummy without having to talk in between bites hahah. 

I had a friend in college try to set me up with a guy. I was supposed to meet up with her for lunch but instead, there was some random dude there. I was pissed off to say the least. I was too awkward back then to be assertive, so I went through with it and even gave him my number when he asked. Afterwards I had to come up with excuses as to why I didn't want to see him again and ended up ignoring his texts/calls. Very uncomfortable experience. I wouldn't let such a thing fly now. 

This is lovely, thanks for sharing your song with us! 

Maybe you can try SoundCloud or Youtube for the audio? 

Wow yeah, I agree with the others on respecting them if they were deep in conversation but for sure, in an everyday situation, this is just wild to me. 

On 9/29/2021 at 12:02 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

But otherwise this is just reinforcing amatonormative ideas about the heightened specialness of romantic relationships. 

Yes this and it plays into this idea of possessiveness as normal in romantic relationships. 

I don't understand the typical monogamous, exclusive, romantic relationship that is prevalent in our society and is often the first thing that people think of when you say "relationship". It seems so suffocating, especially as I see so many people around me who get so caught up in jealousy, controlling each other, and making everything revolve around each other. Of course, not all monogamous romantic relationships have to be that way but people often end up prescribing to these behaviors because they're considered the norm. Whenever I see things like "if your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't jealous when you talk to someone attractive, do they even love you?", I just have to wonder, are people okay??? hahaha

Although I wouldn't want a partnership and especially not a romantic relationship, I do find other kinds of committed relationships nice. For example, having platonic relationships with people you can depend on and share your life with in intimate ways that you might not get with acquaintances or casual friendships. 

Marriage I only get for the legal/financial benefits, but I also question why those benefits should only be afforded to married couples anyway.  

22 hours ago, Nessa said:

I have no idea what it feels like and really don't care. 

Yes, I feel the same way.

Also it can be so subjective. When I ask alloros to describe I'm often like, but that's friends??? Or not strictly romantic??? Or they can't give a concrete answer.

At the end of the day, it doesn't change the fact that I'm aromantic. It's something that people feel that I dont and that's fine. 

Most definitely. I find it rather dismissive of friendships, like they're not a big deal... or that they're a relationship not worth pursuing and valuing in itself

Awesome, I hope it goes well! ?

Oh no, that is tragic indeed. I hope you were able to go back and enjoy the buffet another time!

I've had a few moments with a certain couple (two friends) who would get so into their flirting even when I was there. One time I invited them for dinner at my place. They were getting so lovey-dovey at some point and then they asked ME to leave to give them privacy. AT MY PLACE. Leave my own place for them, really? I was like, just go home then. It was really annoying. 

1 hour ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

I was having a look through and was thinking of this one: https://soundsfakepod.buzzsprout.com/218346/2028372-ep-108-self-partnered

I think this looks good!

Cool video, thanks for sharing! I enjoyed that they talked about romance in cultural/social contexts a bit and how they would feel about romance-coded things if romance were not so pervasive in the meaning of those things, which I feel is not talked about as much in more mainstream stuff.   

I experience some sensual attraction. I'm generally a physically affectionate person, so it is something I appreciate having in my relationships, but that's not necessarily based on sensual attraction. If I do experience sensual attraction to someone, then I would just feel more of an urge to be physically close and affectionate with them. But on the outside, whether I experience sensual attraction or not doesn't really dictate what I do in my relationships. So while it is a distinct form of attraction that I experience, I wouldn't say it's important to how I interact with people. 

Airplane

That's a tricky situation. I think that it would be good to reflect on why you would agreed entering in a QPR with her if she asked even though you don't necessarily want to be in a QPR with her. Thinking that we need to partner up is also deeply ingrained in society even if we get past the compulsory alloromanticism. As aros, some of us might especially worry about being left behind/alone and think that a QPR might prevent that from happening. Or perhaps we think that partnership is the most viable way to get needs met long-term, especially as people around us are getting into serious relationships and marriages and focusing on those. Or maybe afraid that if we don't agree to a partnership that we might lose the friendship. Of course, some people do genuinely want a partnership! 

So yeah, before you even talk to her about it, I'd suggest reflecting on whether or not you'd want a partner in the first place or if it's part of this ingrained societal thing that often accompanies comphet/compulsory alloromanticism/amatonormativity. So you can think about why you would say yes if she asked to be in QPR even though you yourself don't necessarily want that.  

I love it, it's so cute. I also saw that you won the contest, congrats! 

MRI-scanner

I definitely felt different from my peers. I thought I was mature because I wasn't going "romance crazy" like so many of my friends. I felt awkward often when others would be talking about their crushes and I was just... ?‍♀️. It led me to hanging out with people who didn't show as much interest in romance (one of those friends ended up also being aro hahah). I did struggle at times with wondering if there was something wrong with me- "do I have commitment or intimacy issues?" Especially as I started to notice that I didn't want a romantic relationship but that I was experiencing some sexual attraction/drive at times.

For the most part, though, I'd also say it wasn't too turbulent for me in high school/college- at least not externally in terms of people bothering or bullying me. People tended to leave me alone regarding dating, although there was awkward times of people trying to ask me out in college. There were only certain moments, such as prom or school dances, in which this stuff was really in my face and I felt confronted by my lack of romantic attraction (and my at the time perceived ineptitude to date).

Hi Akemy! Welcome to the forums 

I get that about it being hard to meet aros IRL, but you're right in that this is a great place to talk about aro stuff! I hope you enjoy your time here and being part of the community! 

Hello and welcome! 

I think having lots of dogs is a great way to go. I hope you can come to terms with your identity and meet some cool people here on the forums along on the way :) 

And I agree with roboticanary, thanks for introducing hummingbird card. Looks delicious! 

1 hour ago, Mark said:

I wonder if there might be something within mental health training which bolsters faith in amantonormativity.

Considering some the behaviour of allos, when, in romantic relationships it might more sense to see them as a sign of immaturity.

Yeah, mental health care isn't immune to the influence of larger society structures, so I'd definitely say that amatonormativity is incorporated into it. Diagnostics and what is considered "normal" behavior is also largely socially constructed. So with normative idea is that engaging in romance is normal and the idea that being able to love is a sign of humanity and "normal" emotional functioning, then you get this kind of perception in mental health care. There is a whole personality disorder with criteria of having little interest in close relationships and sex. 

Yup, this is definitely a common perception unfortunately. In general society and in many different settings. I work in mental healthcare and marriage/partnerships are often considered signs of proper functioning. And if you're an adult who has a never had a romantic relationship, then yeah, this might indeed be seen as a sign of arrested development or immaturity. 

Luckily people in my inner circle don't view it that way, but I do have family members who don't take me as seriously because I'm still unmarried and without children. It can be frustrating for sure, but I also don't need to prove myself to them. 

I do sometimes feel it myself that I'm not a "real" adult when I really think about how my friends are getting married, starting to think about children, and looking into buying homes. It's annoying, but then I remind myself that these are arbitrary markers of adulthood and maturity. There are many other ways to be mature. 

At the end of the day, you can decide your life, and I think that's a pretty grown-up thing to do. It's great that you can live with your mom and are happy with it :) It's sad that living with parents after a certain age is viewed as immature (in certain cultures). If you have a good relationship with them, then why not?