Erederyn

Hey all! So I've been working on a challenging amatonormativity guide and it is done, wooo. I'm posting this here because it is aimed at alloromantic folks (although could be useful for aros dealing with internalized amatonormativity). I'm hoping that allies that will use this guide in order to not only be better allies to aros, but to also actively challenge their own amatonormative standards. 

Feel free to share it, especially with people in your life who could benefit from learning about amatonormativity. And if there is anyone on the forums who consider themselves an ally to aros, please consider engaging with this material and spreading it in your circles. Challenging amatonormativity is not the responsibility of the aro community alone!

https://gracesofluck.wordpress.com/2021/04/29/challenging-amatonormativity-a-beginners-guide/

Yeah, my family especially thinks that I'm not in a romantic relationship because I'm focused on my education/career.... which means that they think that pretty much once I finish my PhD, I'll be "on the market." I find it annoying because it shows that many people can't accept simply not wanting romance. There must be some other reason (and it better be an important one at that). I also find it amusing that basically the only things considered important enough to prevent pursuing romantic relationships are study/work. I find that it really just simplifies our lives and takes away some agency... as if we might not have anything else going on (although some people genuinely love their jobs and make it their lives, which is also valid) or that we aren't making the decision to not pursue romance of our own accord. I usually don't find it worth it really responding to these comments. But maybe I should haha, clearly they don't get it. 

9 hours ago, roboticanary said:

Sorry to further derail that thread but could you please tell me where that particular version board came from.

Absolutely, it came from here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OIup9snvs88Z_5bWqC1CEpybNaNRhMcE/view

I do agree with the others that you choose a label that you feel more comfortable with, whether it's a reflection of what you feel now or a reflection of something you might want. So if you think you might want a romantic relationship one day, then you can identify as demiromantic to capture that even if you are unsure of whether experience romantic attraction (or even if you are sure that you don't experience it). 

I don't want to derail this thread, but this version of the RA smorgasbord is a bit better. 

I experience sensual attraction as a separate thing (it can be tied to aesthetic for me, though). For me, it's different from sexual- being physically close to someone doesn't mean that I'll want to have sex with them. When I am physically affectionate with someone I am sensually attracted to, I get !!! but not in a sexual way- that's it, I don't want to have sex with them. I view sensual attraction in the same way as Blake, "actions that have no further consequences," but for others, sensual attraction can also lead/be related to sexual attraction/actions. So I guess it depends on if those sensual activities drive you to have sex? Although you can want to have sex with someone without necessarily being sexually attracted to them... If you want to be physically affectionate with him and nothing else, it may be sensual attraction. If you want to be physically affectionate with him and this makes you feel like having sex with him, it could be sexual attraction. But yeah, sometimes there aren't any hard boundaries and what these things mean to you can be different. I agree, though, with aro_elise that it matters more what you're both comfortable with. 

Aromanticism has helped me to feel empowered in making life how I want it to be. I feel that there are so many more possibilities and that I'm not obligated to follow a certain path. I can customize and develop relationships according to what I want (with consent of the other person involved, of course) without having to wedge myself or my relationships into a specific box. It's also helped me learn a lot about how varied the human experience can be and drives me to fight even harder for a society in which people can have the freedom to express this vast diversity of humanity.

Hello and welcome! I'm also studying psychology, doing a PhD in psychopathology and cognitive functions. Nice to meet a fellow psych grad student ?

Hey there, I understand that this can be confusing if aromanticism is foreign to you. Being aromantic does not necessarily mean that someone can't be affectionate or that someone can't love (although there are aromantics who do not experience affection or love aka loveless). There are different ways to love someone that is not romantic and sometimes it can look like romance if someone is unaware of this. Being intimate, affectionate, or emotionally (even physically) close to someone is not inherently romantic. An important distinction to make is that there is a difference between attraction and behavior. Someone can engage in "romantically-coded" behaviors while not experiencing romantic attraction and not desiring a romantic relationship. There are also many behaviors that have simply been co-opted by romance (made to be romantic) even though they are not inherently romantic. I can't speak for your friend, but I imagine that she spends a lot of time with you because she values you and likes to hang out with you. So if she says she is aromantic, then she is aromantic even if she's acting in a way that is confusing to you.

Aromantics can vary a lot and have varying experiences and do relationships differently, so I cannot speak for everyone and my experience is not the same for all aromantics, but I can use myself as an example because I behave in a similar way as your friend. I experience no romantic attraction at all, but I am affectionate with my friends. I like to be spend a lot of time with them, and they mean a lot to me- they are very special to me and I love them a lot. It is in no way romantic, and I don't consider any of these things romantic. So it is very possible to be aromantic and behave in this way.

If you want to learn more about aromanticism, you can check out AUREA: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/resources-1

Wecome! 

16 hours ago, vinniebandit said:

So could it be that I am something like "sapioromantic"?

Besides uplifting Rainy Robin's good advice and answer, you might want to look into noetiromantic. https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Noetiromantic 

47 minutes ago, H.G.Grace said:

Hi, I've only just read this forum, would it be alright if I join the meet during that allotted time?

Absolutely!

Round-up is posted!

https://graces-of-luck.tumblr.com/post/647291831991828480/carnival-of-aros-round-up-march-2021

Welcome, nice to meet you! 

On 3/31/2021 at 4:00 PM, clbaft said:

I'm at the age where all of my friends are married and having babies and I'm just here like ?‍♀️. And everyone here seems so young! ?

Hahaha, I feel this ~ It can feel odd sometimes when others around me are "moving on" with their lives and I'm just chillin, not sure how my future will look like. I'm almost 30, so I sometimes feel like an oldie with the younger people in the aro community, but it's also exciting to see that people are able to find out about aromanticism when younger. Yay for increasing visibility!  

Anyway, I hope you enjoy your time here! 

Hello and welcome! It can definitely be hard to understand feelings. There's quite some stuff online on aromanticism, so I get that it can be daunting diving into it. I'm not sure what you've searched up already, but perhaps further diving into the different aro labels and types of attractions can be a good next step (AUREA has some good resources here if you haven't check it out yet). Reading about people's experiences or talking to others can also be helpful! A good thing to remember is that while there may be a "set" definition for something, people can have varying relationships and experiences with a term, so it's also okay to put your own twist to things. Things might not always be so clear cut and that's okay too. Regardless, take your time with it all :) 

Would something like this help? It's just a list of sexualities. 

- https://sexuality.fandom.com/wiki/List_of_Sexualities 

- https://aminoapps.com/c/lgbt-best/page/item/big-list-of-sexualities/g4qr_b3cKIGrdr4ZneNx2WkabXmDkpxpnm

There's also this specifically for ace-spec identities: https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Asexual_Spectrum

Welcome! It definitely can be tricky figuring out one's orientations. People here are generally helpful with these sorts of things (or at least willing to engage), so feel free to ask questions and express your experiences! I hope you find what you need here and best of luck on your journey :)

6 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Hi, I've made an entry for this month here: https://mesotablar.dreamwidth.org/19788.html

Thanks for your submission!

I feel similarly! I also don't feel that single really applies to me because of the reasons you describe. I think it also negates all the relationships that I do have in my life because single makes it sound like just because I don't have a (romantic) partner, I don't have anyone at all in your life, which is untrue. 

I hadn't thought of having an aromantic word to replace "single". I think that would be hard, though, because I think it would still be a relationship status for a particular kind of relationship even if it's not romantic. So I would still feel strange because then I'd only change that status for a partnership even though I have many important relationships in my life... if that makes sense? Nonetheless, it could be interesting to try and come up with such a word! Saying "I'm not in a romantic relationship, but I'm not single because I fall out of the romantic relationship status" is a mouthful hahah, so one term would be handy. I'm curious, what would you like this word to describe about you? 

1 hour ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

Sounds like a good idea. I heard back from the other person so if it's ok we'll try 11am (UK time). If I say the weekend of the 10th/11th April would that work for the usual bunch and anyone else?

Either day at 11am works for me! 

I was thinking, maybe we could discuss other forms of attraction (non-romantic, non-sexual) as a topic for April? Inspired by the TAAAP discussion on platonic attraction for their pride chats this month. 

On 3/11/2021 at 12:14 AM, DeltaV said:

So if we would carbon-copy the wedding ceremony and make it for friends it would be positively a joke.

OTOH blood brotherhood ceremony... not a fan, but is it really tacky? I'd say no. So an original non-tacky friendship ceremony is possible. I just think that this one is quite bad. Why does it have to be painful (and unnecessarily dangerous) if it's about friendship?

Agreed, I don't think it'd really work to just take something like a wedding ceremony and make it for friends, there would have to be some original ceremony.

Blood mention:

9 hours ago, Holmbo said:

What would you do on a friendship day? Except make the greeting card companies rich?

Hahah, yes, we'll make greeting card companies so rich, they'll have to recognize us! 

I'd probably turn friendship day into a friendship weekend, honestly ? I'd organize a weekend getaway for us to spend some quality time together in a nice area. We'd have a nice dinner planned (where we can dress up if we want to because why not?). It'd be a time to reminisce and appreciate each other. If they want, people can exchange gifts. I'd like to write a nice little note for each friend as a keepsake. 

I suppose it depends on the kind of the struggle, but one thing you could do is think about how most struggles do tend to end or lessen at some point. It's not forever and things can get better. I personally like to focus on the things I can improve- it can even be something small. You could also think on how you've overcome adversities in the past and feel some strength and pride in that. Sometimes when I'm struggling I think about how, despite the adversities I've faced, I managed to make a relatively nice life for myself, even if there are still things I want to improve. Being grateful for the nice things in your life can also help. Again, this can be for something small. You can even make a list of things you're grateful for or that you find positive in your life (it's sometimes hard at first but you might surprise yourself with how long that list might end up being!).

Nonetheless, I want to mention that while it's good to be hopeful and optimistic, it's also okay to feel down. Life can be hard! You don't have to force yourself into toxic positivity and potentially negating your feelings, even if they are negative. 

I hope that things get better for you and that you manage to become and remain hopeful despite your struggles. 

I'm hosting CoA this month on intersectionality and inclusivity, including race/ethnic minorities. It would be great to get the perspectives of aro people of color!!

https://graces-of-luck.tumblr.com/post/644436639587893250/carnival-of-aros-call-for-submissions-march-2021

I agree, there are many ways to celebrate friendships! It's nice to read about the different ways you all do that ? I used to do friendship anniversaries more often when I was younger, but most of my friends have outgrown this. And I think even just planning a nice lunch or fun day out together can definitely be a way to celebrate.

But yeah, there's nothing big that is a recognized form of celebrating a friendship. Not that public recognition is necessary to treasure your friends (like I said, a lot of those things tend to be very performative anyway), but sometimes I see how people treat milestones in the romantic relationships of others, and I feel a bit... left out? No one congratulates me on a friendship. I don't get well wishes or cards or the like from others because I've become best friends with someone. 

I'm going to celebrate 20 years soon with one of my best friends, and my other friends haven't really reacted to this when I tell them how excited I am. I'll be doing something with my best friend to celebrate that anyway, but there's not really any external recognition. And yet my friends are planning these huge gifts and moments (even traveling with covid restrictions) to celebrate the civil marriage of our mutual friend. 

Then, I also vaccilate- I sometimes want to have a big thing for my friendships, but like @roboticanary said, it could become tacky. Also, would I then have some ceremony or party for all my friends at once or per friend? ? That could become over-the-top lol.

But for sure, we should still celebrate our friendships, regardless of whether it gets public recognition!

I resonate with your experience. I also discovered aromanticism through asexuality- it was then that I realized that what I thought was due to asexuality was actually due to aromanticism. After learning more about aromanticism, I felt a lot more sure about that than my sexuality. I still find my sexuality a bit ambiguous and hard to describe whereas my aromanticism feels concrete, which is why I identify as aroqueer. 

Do you wish there were some sort of ceremony or event to celebrate your friendships? Romantic relationships are often celebrated with anniversaries, engagement parties, weddings, and so forth. People often congratulate couples when they start a romantic relationship or move in together or get married. But people don't do that for friends. Of course, you could always decide yourself to celebrate your friendships, but I suppose the difference is that these often do not get the public recognition that a wedding would, if that makes sense. Or do you find any such sort of ceremony or celebration would be over the top and unnecessary, especially since these sorts of things are quite public and potentially performative and/or you feel it's unnecessary to have public recognition of your friendships?