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NotHeartless

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About NotHeartless

  • Birthday 02/23/1995

Personal Information

  • Name
    Call me whatever you like
  • Orientation
    (gray)aromantic [romance-averse], ace [aego]
  • Gender
    agender
  • Pronouns
    she/her is ok
  • Location
    Germany
  • Occupation
    student

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  1. Hey guys, I've started to question my gender (again). About me and my development so far: I'm AFAB but don't identify with it. For some time, I have experimented with being a transgender man, dressing masculine, behaving more masculine, he/him pronouns, a new nickname and even passing, without hormones. I've felt some euphoria when someone addressed me as "young man". However, I came to the conclusion that behaving masculine is just another mask I've put on and I don't feel like my authentic self. I feel discomfort with both (female/male) stereotypes, especially when it comes to behaviour and interests. I hate it how people question your masculinity and even start to bring you down when you express certain characteristics, like being kind, caring or sensitive. I feel disguised and like I'm playing a role. As teen, I labeled my gender identity as "neutral" because I didn't know about the non-binary spectrum back then and it felt very right for me. This is all fine and dandy because I still like to present gender neutral or more masculine in my appearance and find it funny when people can't tell "what" I am. But I still experience gender dysphoria, in the following way(s): I have heavy bottom dysphoria. I don't like to touch myself down there, I feel uncomfortable when I see "it" (under the shower, for example) and don't get me started on the period. I'm familiar with chest dysphoria too, but I don't bind anymore because I hate how uncomfortable it is (I don't have much chest anyway). I don't have the desire to become pregnant and even get upset when people assume I *could* become pregnant (because my body is biological capable of it but I think I would die inside if it actually happened. Not exaggerating). I generally experience much dysphoria whenever I come in contact with things that are coded female in our society and are assigned to me automatically. I have discarded the idea of altering my body (already reached out for professional help) because for once, I'm afraid of it and can't tell if it would bring me actual relief (not having to deal with the period anymore for sure, but everyhting else? Idk, cause I don't long for very masculine apperances, like a beard or broad shoulders. I don't care about it). For second, I can't imagine taking hormones for many years or even until death. The thought of being so depended on meds scares the hell out of me. For some time now, I just ignored my gender and lived life as if everything is fine, even like a cis-woman for some months. For some time, I even did not experience severe dysphoria and was very relieved about it. But it comes back again, and again and again. No matter how I dress or how I behave. Yesterday, I have started to read a book about non-binary individuals that were, like me, AFAB. I could relate to many experiences they shared and it hurts so much. I can't remain neutral when I read it and I'm wondering why. Someone in the book wrote "I'm a boy with a vigina" and that sentence somehow stuck with me. Thing is, meanwhile I'm just tired of heaving to deal with gender dysphoria and would prefer if it would just go away and never come back. But I can't make it go away permanently and it brings much suffering into my life. I've told myself I just need to be myself, to me gender is a social construct and it doesn't make sense to me on many levels (as in I don't understand why trait xy is described as "female" or "male"). But still, there are these unpleasant feelings I can't shake off and it drives me crazy on some days. Do you have any advice or would like to share your own experience with gender dysphoria and how you handle it? I'm thankful for every answer because it's a heavy burden and I often feel alone with my complex feelings.
  2. he felt a strange feeling as he crossed paths with his archenemy, the lord of the squirrels! He
  3. My friend (who isn't into romance/dating and sex either) always says she would find it fascinating to become at least about 3,000 years old. She would like to see how society develops and with what else humankind comes up. In the good ways and the bad. But she wouldn't like to become immortal. It's similar for me. I wouldn't like to be immortal but not because of the pain of outliving my loved ones (tbh I think you can always meet new people, which doesn't mean you forget the people that were important to you), rather because I don't view death as something negative. A part of my soul, spirit, or what you might wanna call it, is relieved to be put at peace at last. Our brains are incapable to imagine what it is like to be dead and samewise are incapable of imagining eternity. Still we like to specualte about both, but I find death more fascinating than immortality for some reason. Maybe because it is a mystery on its own and I would definitely get tired of living at some point. Edit: Welcome to the forums, Asyajyl .
  4. People who watched that The Simpsons episode with sideshow Bob in court know this one: In German, "die" is an article for feminine nouns. So Bob said "Die Bart, die. That's German" as to explain he wasn't meant to threaten Bart but was "just" using German (which is wrong in the grammatical sense, btw. Bart is a boy so you'd use "der" in German, the article for male nouns - if anyone wanted to know). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaXigSu72A4 I also find the nine nine nine meme funny. When you say "nine" in Germany, people would understand "nein", which translates to "no" in English. I once took a few Spanish lessons and noticed this, too. Found it quite funny while learning.
  5. Great, then we now know another way how to keep potential candidates for marriage away. Good insider tips!
  6. Salut et bienvenu, Théotime. Make yourself comfy and have some . Don't worry about your introduction, it's fine 😊 About the labels: I understand it because I did not use the term asexual for me until recently. Take your time and it's also fine to not label yourself at all. Hope you'll have you a great time on the forums!
  7. I'm so happy to not have to deal with dating, finding "the one", pregnancy and the "biological clock", being married to one person my whole life and all that stressful stuff! I'm happy to have peace on my own and like eatingcroutons said: freedom! I can be spontaneous in my life and flexible. My aromanticism allows me to not follow a script that's given to us but stray waaay away from that and walk my own ways of happiness. When I fully realized this, a weight fell off my shoulders!
  8. Then the only milestone ahead of me is death . Sorry, I have crude humor. But honestly, I'm always amazed those are considered some of *the* goals in life. Often takes me down a mental rabbit hole where I think too much about the human condition.
  9. Person says "I like you" and I don't get they don't mean it in a platonic/friendly way. Every. Damn. Time. I'm too oblivious for this world.
  10. I'm into horror games and currently play Outlast (probably sounds strange but I find it interesting and fun). Usually, I Iove Asian horror and RPG horror games especially. But I also enjoy relaxing titles: I play a lot of Animal Crossing (both the newest game for the Switch and the older ones like New Leaf and even Wild World). My favorite Sims game is the Sims 2 which I still play sometimes and enjoy immensely.
  11. Valentine's Day practically does not exist for me and I don't celebrate it in any way. It's a day like any other day and since my birthday is in February, I always associated the month with mine and especially my dad's birthday. But I like some of the ideas you guys came up with here, like sending silly aro/ace cards to friends and the dinner idea sounds really great. Thanks for the input.
  12. Your lines sound very familiar. I experienced the same issue. I couldn't solve it. In the end, it always ended with me breaking everything off when I tried to date someone. In cases I didn't break it off soon, it ended in an unhealthy on and off relationship because I couldn't handle the demands, yet still wanted to keep trying because my mind told me "hey, it's not *that* bad". Didn't mean I was happy. Do you feel happy with the woman you are seeing? I personally regret it because I've hurt people much more than it should've been necessary. That's why I'd say romo relationships don't feel or come natural to me (to you apparently as well). I can grasp it on an intellectual level, but not on the emotional. Can agree with Rose Grace though, I find the intensity level in romantic-coded relationships exhausting and could only maintain a "friendship-like romance". Then it is the question how the other person feels about it. It's a good thing she knows about your orientation so there may be more room for negotiation. Maybe you guys should talk about your needs and how they can be met. If you then still hear the voice that is telling you to get out, you should consider it. Her feelings matter of course, but yours just as much.
  13. Hey, your plans and goals sound really good. It's always good to look after yourself 😊. My first and biggest goal this year is to change my current major (pharmacy). It is okay, but I'm not really happy or satisfied with it. I'm playing with the thoughts of starting med school or becoming an elementary school teacher (I can imagine both very well). I want to start all over again, the desire is very strong to do so. Maybe also because of 2020. My second goal is to accept my orientation. I had been struggling with accepting it in the real world (online I'm all about "everyone is valid, be proud of who you are.") In reality, I had another attempt at a romantic relationship and, of course, it failed horribly (almost lost a friend because of it). Because I like romance and relationships in theory, but not in practice. This hasn't changed and yes, I hoped it would change. The experience showed me that I essentially tried it because I had the strong fear of being alone / being left alone. The experience of just being who you actually are...feels too good. I'm looking forward to reading more plans and goals. I really like the idea of this thread .
  14. Pretty much... Source: r/aromantic
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