eatingcroutons

What have you seen people using "split attraction model" to mean? What does it mean to you?

I've generally seen people using it to explain that they have distinct sexual and romantic orientations - often ones that don't match. I've always understood the split attraction model to be a framework for people to describe distinctions between their sexual and romantic orientations. 

If somebody says that they use it, what does that mean to you? If somebody says they don't use it, what does that mean to you?

If someone says they use it, I understand that to mean that they make a distinction between their sexual and romantic orientations. If someone says they don't use it, I assume they experience their orientation as a coherent whole, not as having distinct sexual or romantic parts. 

Do you usually think of "split attraction" correlating with "having more than orientation," or no?

I'm not sure how much use it is to people who don't have distinct orientations, so yes, I tend to assume those things correlate. (Regarding @bananaslug's points above, I don't generally assume aroace people use SAM unless they specifically say they do.) 

Does anybody have a source dating it back prior to 2015?

Can't help you there! 

Any other thoughts on the dilemmas raised? Does it fill a lexical gap? Does it have multiple meanings? Is it useful?

I definitely need some way to explain that I have a sexual orientation but not a romantic one, so a split attraction framework is necessary for that. "Split attraction model" as a term is concise, widely used, and pretty unambiguous, and that to me is more important than where it originated. I don't think I've seen it have meanings other than the one I've described above. 

9 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

It was just for a period of time I had some serious psychological pain at the idea of being 'the end of the line', like I was betraying a debt to my ancestors or something.

To be fair, the reason the title has ended up in your branch of the family and not another is presumably due to reasons that are archaic, sexist, and to a large degree arbitrary. In that sense, aren't your distant cousins as much a continuation of "the line" as you are? 

4 hours ago, Mark said:

I can't see a date on either the LGBT Wiki or the tumblr, so it's unclear which might be the original and which the derived.

All wikis come with a complete edit history - that SAM page was created in July 2018. If someone's Tumblr layout doesn't show a post date, you can always view the page source and search for the "datePublished" tag - in this case October 2016.

Cane toads!

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1 hour ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Antarctica

(it was the first thing to pop into my head! ?)

....and to go back on an aro topic:

Single

CD!

(Someone was just reminiscing about the Macarena on Arodynamics, so I've got music on the brain lol) 

There's also Arodynamics on Discord! I prefer not to use my real name/phone number for these things so FB/WhatsApp are out for me ?

Ehhh certain kinds of media might try to pretend that everyone wants to be out there having as much sex as possible, with as little commitment as possible. But in reality that attitude is only really seen as acceptable within a very narrow demographic of society - namely straight young men. And even then, they're still seen as assholes if they just go around "using people" for sex.

Older men who want sex without commitment are seen as immature and unable to "settle down" like a real adult. Women of all ages who want sex without commitment are seen as sluts. People in general who are show no interest in emotionally committing to a sexual partner are seen as being callous at best, broken or heartless at worst.

I mean, I definitely do get people telling me they wish they could have sex without "catching feels", the way I can. And I have a great circle of friends who are completely accepting of the fact that I like sex but don't do commitment. But society as a whole is not always so accepting or understanding.

14 hours ago, NotHeartless said:

Girl, in whichever spaces you hang out, get out of there.
It's not normal to get called a future sexual abuser because of one's identity (or past).

THIS THIS THIS

Trans people are not inherently predatory. Alloaros are not inherently predatory. The ideology you're talking about isn't intersectional - it's TERF ideology, and radfem ideology, and it is toxic and harmful and absolutely not true.

The only thing that can make you a predator or sexual abuser is if you choose to sexually abuse someone.

"It is suspected by many scholars..." 

Suspected? I thought it was the standard interpretation of R&J that the "romance" it portrays is in fact an absurdly overwrought experience of teenage infatuation? (Aren't the titular characters canonically like, 14? Who know each other for all of three days before deciding to die rather than live without the other?) 

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My experience of NYE is the complete opposite. It's an excuse for people to go out, party, get drunk and get laid. (Finding a stranger to kiss when midnight hits is a good first step to the "getting laid" part!) 

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8 hours ago, aro_elise said:

@David Box @eatingcroutons i once had someone (online) tell me i was lucky to be aro.  they were very emphatic, describing the assumed advantages and asking "do you even realize how lucky you are?"  tbh it kind of bothered me.  like, i agreed with some of what they said, but there are also disadvantages.  i felt like it wasn't their place to tell me how good i had it when they couldn't understand--hadn't even thought of--many of the experiences shared by aros, not to mention the ones i personally had, which were some of the worst of my life.  it's not just avoiding romantic heartbreak and drama.  and i told them that.

I'm sorry you had that negative experience. I guess for me the pros of being aro absolutely outweigh the cons, and I love it when other people also acknowledge those pros - I'd much rather focus on the good stuff!

1 hour ago, David Box said:

I was reading Archie (2015, don't remember which issue but Archie tries to be like Jughead as he deals with Veronica moving away) and I realized - holy shit guys, some people would be jealous of us being aro. One day I will meet someone that realizes I've never really dated and don't want to, and they are going to think "Wow, wish I could do that!".

Hahaha this exact thing happened to me last weekend! I was catching up with a friend over Skype, and she spent a fair bit of that time talking about the trouble she'd been having trying to find a relationship. At one point she said outright to me, "I really wish I could be like you and just not be interested in relationships!"

On 9/14/2018 at 5:40 AM, chimchimmy said:

I've read signs online about abusive or emotionally manipulative partners to see if me or my partner was abusive towards the other because sometimes I just don't know, I don't like the way I act towards my partner sometimes and I don't know if it is my fault or theirs.

The fundamental definition of emotional abuse is using someone's emotions to attempt to control them.

Someone begging you to have a relationship with them because they will suffer without that relationship is emotional abuse.

Someone using guilt to wear you down until you give in to having a relationship with them is emotional abuse.

Look at how you're describing what happened. You told your partner you wanted to break up; their immediate reaction was to focus the situation on their suffering ("they said they were not psychologically ready to not be with me"), and use your guilt over that to wear you down until, in your own words, you were too exhausted not to give in. Your partner is using classic emotional abuse tactics to coerce you to stay in a relationship that is making you miserable.

I told you in my reply to your last post that your partner's behaviour was raising a lot of red flags (pressuring or coercing you into physical acts you're not comfortable with is also a classic form of emotional abuse). I know you care about them - that's often what makes dealing with emotionally abusive partners so difficult. But your partner is exploiting the fact that you care about them to coerce and manipulate you into a relationship you have clearly told them you don't want right now.

That's emotional abuse, and it's not okay.

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On 6/22/2018 at 2:49 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

@eatingcroutons I got into the fandom to read character studies of Serena Joy because I didn't get her in the show so I wanted to find some other perspectives of her. Well, those were intense and crazy. I sort of love fanfics that draw out a disastrous personality or scenario, its like watching a train wreck in slow motion.  

So I'm now caught up on The Handmaid's Tale and woooow I am now super fascinated by Serena as a character. It took her a long while to grow on me, but I'm loving the direction her character has been heading in.

And yes, absolutely agreed! I get bored to death by fluffy meetcutes and curtainfic - I'm most interested in how characters deal with conflict and trauma and Things Going Wrong. I much prefer to read about complicated relationships than happy ones.

On 9/12/2018 at 9:56 PM, running.tally said:

So to answer the original question, I don't think we are "born aro" or the like, but i also don't think that breaking orientation down into "nature or nurture" is in any way a productive conversation. It's like asking whether we're born with or acquire certain personalities.

100% agreed with this. I didn't answer the poll because I believe all aspects of our personalities - including identity and orientation - are influenced by nature and nurture.

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Still on the horror theme, just watched The Ritual which has very little romance (occasional mention of characters' partners).