eatingcroutons

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For myself, I don't want verbal or physical affection directed my way in real life - I absolutely cannot stand pet names, and am not generally interested in kissing or other physical affection outside of sexual situations.

For my friends, I love seeing them being affectionate with their partners - it makes me happy to see them happy.

In fiction, I have very little interest in stories where the focus or the purpose is about characters falling in love and getting together. I also get exasperated by stories where characters "fall in love" with little more pretext than the old Avril Lavigne justification.

But I do enjoy stories where romantic feelings make things complicated or messy or painful in interesting ways. Where romantic feelings are unrequited, or where characters are attracted to people who would be *terrible* for them, or where falling in love makes life more difficult for everyone involved. In that sense I "ship" literally anything and everything that I think would make for an interesting story.

Have you met your friend's partner? Are they part of your social circle? If not, I highly recommend making a conscious effort to build a relationship with them. 

I see so, so many people on these forums terrified that when their friends get into romantic relationships, they'll lose a friend. Whenever my friends get into romantic relationships, I see that as an opportunity to make a new friend. The vast majority of the time, if a good friend of mine likes someone enough to start a romantic relationship with them, I'm probably also gonna get along with that person.

People in (healthy) romantic relationships still have friends and other people they love outside of their romantic relationships. Make the effort to become part of your friend and her partner's social circle. Make the effort to include her partner in yours! And chances are you'll end up with more people in your life, not fewer.

3 hours ago, Guest confusedlol said:

I’m a straight women, only ever been attracted to the opposite gender but I’ve always had a thought and been curious about the same gender? I’m attracted to some female celebrities the way I am to male celebrities and recently I’ve been thinking about women a lot more… does that mean I’m bisexual or am I bicurious? I’ve never had a sexual experience with a women, I’ve kissed a few on drunken nights out but never thought any difference so can I be bisexual without having that experience ? Is there not a stigma about straight  woman experiencing, I don’t want to feel as if I’m using anyone to understand who I am… HELPPPP

Here's something I read the other day which you may find helpful:

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when i was trying to figure out if it was gay or bi or asexual or what sitting on the internet and obsessing over my feelings didn’t help me at all, it just drove me crazy

i needed to go out there, fall in love, experience things, hook up with people, give myself time. sitting at home and trying to figure out if what i felt for men/women/whoever is sexual attraction was useless. taking off the pressure to find my label and letting myself just be was so much more liberating and allowed me to actually experience things that made realising i was bi extremely easy.

You can definitely be bisexual regardless of what actual sexual experiences you've had. But you might find it less stressful to worry less about figuring out RIGHT NOW what label best applies to you, and instead give yourself time and space to see what sorts of attractions you experience (or don't experience).

In my experience, "friends with benefits" usually means someone you have a sexual but not a romantic relationship with.

My understanding of "platonic dating" would be more like, setting an evening aside to spend with one of your best friends to go out for dinner and a movie because you like spending time with them.

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On 5/29/2021 at 3:35 AM, Holmbo said:

The podcast is called Ty and that guy, I'll share a link if you're interested.

I'm definitely interested! 

On 5/3/2021 at 4:01 PM, vinniebandit said:

One of the parallels (I didn't say similarity) is that (young) people are supposed to be active, outgoing, succesful in society, etc. On the same level, (young) people are supposed to have romantic attachment, mostly planning for children, etc.

Eh, I guess there's a parallel in the sense that people who do something different to what society sees as the standard life path may face stigma. But that's an incredibly broad category of people. 

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On 4/7/2021 at 9:34 PM, Guest CajunFrog said:

I'm reaching out to you because the concept of being aromantic is completely foreign to me. I want to believe my crush, but what I get from her seems so much like mixed messages.

"I am aromantic and simply not able to reciprocate your feelings" is in no way a mixed message.

The way she behaves around you is not necessarily a secret "message" to be decoded, and the actual message she gave you was explicitly clear about her identity and her intentions towards you. You need to respect the messages she gives you using actual words, not look for imagined "messages" that you think say something you want to hear instead.

What you're doing - secretly doubting her understanding of herself, and secretly doubting whether she's been honest with you - is not good for any kind of relationship, friendships included. If you're genuinely uncertain about her feelings and intentions then you always have the option of asking her with actual words to clarify them. But you need to either do that, or genuinely accept that what she's told you directly is the truth.

On 4/9/2021 at 10:47 PM, Guest CajunFrog said:

And it's even more awkward for me because I don't know if I can deal with just being friends with her. I'd really, really like to kiss her, and be close to her, and it stings to know she wouldn't want that.

This is a sad situation to be in, but it's also a you-problem that you need to figure out for yourself. You need to be explicitly, brutally honest with yourself and ask: Do I still want to be friends with this girl even if we never get romantically involved? What value does this friendship have to me in and of itself? Does that value outweigh the pain of being so close to something I will never have?

On 4/9/2021 at 10:47 PM, Guest CajunFrog said:

I suppose it's just hard for me that girls who make me feel like I'm special to them still invariably end up liking somebody else way more and then leave me by the wayside unless they need me to do something for them. I've been asking myself what I'm doing wrong and - cocky as that might sound - I can't see what it might be.

One thing you're definitely doing wrong is assuming that if you feel like a relationship is special, there must be a possibility it could become romantic. Others have already commented on different expectations of levels of affection between friends, and the difference between how you feel and what someone else wants.

On 4/9/2021 at 10:47 PM, Guest CajunFrog said:

I guess what it boils down to is that I can't remember ever "clicking" with anybody the way I do with her. It's like we share a brain, honestly. I want her in my life; I think I need her in my life.
But she's kinda in her own world that ends at being friends while I'm in another where it would just be the most natural thing for two people who like each other as much as we do to want to be as close, physically, as possible.

This is again unfortunate, but you can't unilaterally decide the type or extent of relationship the two of you have. No matter how much you click, if she doesn't want to be romantically involved with you, it's not gonna happen. So again the questions you need to ask yourself are: What value does this friendship have to me in and of itself? Does that value outweigh the pain of being so close to something I will never have?

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21 hours ago, Rolo said:

I don't think being aro has anything to do with it. ... It's just a matter of personality, interests, and skill/intelligence.

Yeah, agreed. I know plenty of people who work hard and lead ambitious and successful lives while being in romantic relationships. I've always been a hardworking and busy person, but I don't think that has anything to do with being aro - I also put a lot of time and effort into maintaining my non-romantic relationships.

14 hours ago, Aimee03 said:

With sexual attraction, do you like...see random people out in public and feel sexually attracted to them? Does it occur frequently?? Did it begin at/around puberty?

I personally do, absolutely. I mean there are levels of it - it's not often that I see someone I find hot enough to be outright distracting. But I definitely notice when I find someone sexually attractive. And there have been times I've approached and hooked up with people purely because I find them physically attractive.

I can't say when exactly it started but I was definitely finding specific people attractive by the time I was a teenager.

On 2/22/2021 at 2:03 AM, roboticanary said:

One thing that might be useful is a guy called Nik Hampshire did a really good set of videos with the titles 'being aromantic while not asexual'

Oh interesting, I'd be curious to see how others feel about the experience! Do you know if there's a transcript anywhere? 

When someone who's posted a question thread marks one of your replies as the answer to their question, your "solved count" goes up. 

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Is there a reason you can't be one of his close friends? Are there any ways in which being his close friend would be dissatisfying to you?

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On 2/19/2021 at 2:30 PM, Aroacerabbit said:

Hi everyone! I just felt the need to say that my ring came in today (after having to order a new one due to sizing) and it now fits! I have been smiling all day and it feels AMAZING to have a little bit of my identity that others might understand, or might not. It’s almost like I’m a spy and I love it. It is so validating and I’m so happy and thankful for your encouragement! <3

Legend! I'm so happy for you!

On 2/16/2021 at 5:18 AM, Happylolly said:

Does the other person need to consent to this?

.....mate, there is no situation where it's okay to have a relationship with someone without their consent. 

That said: A "queerplatonic relationship" can mean all sorts of different things. Most generally, it's a relationship that isn't romantic, but may not fit into the typical social norms expected of strictly platonic relationships or friendships. But what that means in practice can vary dramatically from person to person, and from relationship to relationship.

I'd recommend taking some time to sit down and ask yourself what specific things you want from a relationship, emotionally and practically. Do you want someone to share a living space and expenses with? Do you want someone who will be your primary emotional support, and vice-versa? Do you want someone you have sex with regularly, but not exclusively? Do you want someone you can make a mutual, long-term commitment with, but not marry?

Asking someone, "Will you be my queerplatonic partner?" is in my opinion kind of a nonsense question, because a "queerplatonic partner" can be so many different things. I recommend figuring out what you personally want from relationships in your life, and then when you find someone you think might be able to fulfil those relationship needs, asking them whether they'd be happy to do so. Be specific about what your boundaries and needs are, listen to what theirs are, and figure out whether they and you are a good fit.

If that all works out you may or may not choose to call your relationship "queerplatonic", but honestly, the nomenclature is secondary to finding something that works for you and your partner(s).

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