nonmerci

I discovered the word asexual and do some reasearch about it. I find out about aromantic this way. Then it was not really an event, but a lot of introspection that leads me to identify as greyro : wondering about what I thought about as crushes before, the concept of squishes, how I place myself on the spectrum.

14 minutes ago, Coyote said:

I don’t like that it is treated as some kid of prerequisite for being in a qpr since it makes it sound like platonic-but-not-exactly style dating instead of the deliberately nebulous construct it is supposed to be?

Interesting. I thought about it as link to attaction, because I ended up associating it with squishes, I don't really know why. But I remember now that the first time I saw the term, it didn't make me think about attraction at all, but about two people who get along and understand each other.

True also that the point was that QPR weren't suppose to have clear parameters, but in this case I can get why people are slowly changing that : people lack to have clear définitions (or maybe just me). However, in that case, I don't think it would be productive, because QPRs can be so different that having a clear definition where everybody fits is impossible. It would be like having a definition of grey that fits everyone.

Personally I see it as a sensual thing, not romantic or sexual.

But to be honest I think it all depends on the context. 

22 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

For some context , i am belgian.

I thought you were French! I must be to French-centered to think everybody who speaks French is French lol. But I enjoy seeing a Belgian cousin here!

Yep "faire la bise" (cheek to cheek) is common in France. Depending of the region, there is more or less "kissing" in the process. It's less common to hug, except if someone needs support because he's sad, or with people I don't see for a very long time to say hello.

I'll add that it is even worse if you're a woman. I never experience it myself, but I saw people writting that they won't mind their sons having sexe, but for their daughters it was a big no. It was more about one-night-stand though.

I don't have a lot to say, except that there is nothing shameful with sex between two consenting persons. Romantic feelings change nothing, sex is still sex with or without it. The only people who should feel shamefull are the ones who judges you for that.

Ok, I understand the problem. True that it would be more logical to just say "aro", in this case.

On ‎7‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 8:16 PM, Coyote said:

This. This is the very thing that I wanted to talk about with this thread. Where are the places where this is happening? What sites, what posts, what people? We need to track them down and change the story -- and try to circulate even more stories to the contrary.

 

My bad, I completely forgot to answer, sorry.

It's not a specific website, juste a general feeling I had after go on different websites or posts about aromantcism. Most of them were mentioning QPR's, with lines like "not feeling romantic attraction doesn't mean that aros can't form strong bounds with people, or even form couples", or something like that. At first I think it's just something aros can do, and after reading a lot, I view it, if not as a norm, at least as something popular or frequent in the community.

21 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

 

Hmm… i wonder if it has something to do with the tendency of calling peoples "bisexual", "pansexual, etc... even if they are technically also "biromantic" , "panromantic" (i am speaking about alloromantic allosexual ). So the "romantic orientation" part is often ignored and not really talked about, not by itself at least.

I think the concept of romantic attraction is new, and most people don't know the words biromantic etc. That's why the asexual community talks so much about the "we can fall in love too", because if they donn't people will think they are aromantic too. I don't know if this is the same reason that leads people to think that aros are aces; I think it has more to do with people hearing about aromanticism on ace forums for the first time.

22 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

In a-spec space, , we often use the sam, yes. And aromantism itself is very talked about in aro space (thanks captain obvious) but aromantism "by itself" ? eh, i am either unlucky and missed everything, or we often ignore it. Well, i see some positivity post on tumblr sometime i guess.

I don't know if ignore if the right word; it's more that we ended up talking about sexuallity even when the discussion is about aromanticism. For instance, when people announced the creation of AUREA, some posts were wondering if the people were ace or not, or even asking that they aren't. Of course there are some specific problems to each group, but sometimes I feel like we look to much to our differences, not so much of what makes us a group. Though I myself look at aro as a "just aro" ommunity, in the sense that I don't go on a aro forum to talk about me being asexual (if I felt the need to I would go on AVEN), but to talk about aromanticism only.

I think I can get you. I identify myself as asexual, but I don't think it is relevant or worry mentionning. I don't go on asexuals forum, and I'm sad to see this "opposition" between allo aros and aro aces, because I feel like I'm belonging to a huge community and not to a sub-category. See what I mean? It's difficult to explain.

(Stupid comparison is coming) it's a bit similar (not completely but a bit) to how I feel about the fact that I'm mixed race. I won't deny that I am, but I have no link to the "black culture" because nobody transmitted it to me. So I see myself as a mixed race person who don't have a mixed culture; see what I mean? That's similar to how I feel about me being aroace: I am "mixed" in these two communities, I don't deny that I am, but I feel close to only one part of this identity. See?

(I am afraid that my stupid comparison only makes things more complicated)

I always use English words, but I don't go on French websites this often. Not about aromanticism, but asexuals use the letter A instead of ace.

Interesting thread!

I think I finally get why I like to hug my parents and brother so much... it must seem weird to them but I'm glad I have this. When I won't live with my parents I will not have this kind of touch again I guess. It's true that it sucks that we can't show affection for our friends without it being coded as "romantic" or "sexual". I can't be touching with people I don't know but with close friends I can; I do it with one because I know she is a touching person, but with another it is more difficult, maybe because he is of the opposite gender. Though I don't think he would be bother, he know I'm aro, and he is as weird as me.

You might  be aro if you are confused when you see their is no child in the new Fire Emblem, because now you don't see  the point of marrying anymore.  I can still laugh at the proposal, at least.

6 hours ago, TripleA said:

Not to mention that when humans experience romantic attraction, it is an unhealthy obsession with one person, they must know every little thing about that person, and they must possess them for themselves. It's almost an act of greed. 

I don't know if love is always this extreme, and it probably doesn't fit for polyamory people. But I do think love as a kind of obsession, when I liste to love sons that are supposed to be "romantic". However I don't think romance can be reduced to that, there is other things like the concept of soulmate, sacrifice (in the sense people would do anything for their beloved).

6 hours ago, TripleA said:

Yes, romantic love can be seen as necessary on a biological standpoint, but if someone does not want to have children, is romance and marriage really necessary?

Maybe at the start romance and children was linked (though I would linked it more to sexual attraction, as without moderne technology you couldn't have children without sex), but now I think people seek romance for itself. It may not be necessary for a strictly biological point of view though. But not everything is in evolution I guess. Anyway I think some studies should be make about the role of romance before affirming it.

6 hours ago, TripleA said:

Why legally bind yourself to someone when you will be restricted to one person and have less freedom and more responsibilities? Maybe for more financial stability? 

The other day, an allo woman explain to me that people should get married because if they broke up, they had a contract that protect them (for financial reasons for instance). Of course such a perspective is more useful for allos. But I guess even aros can find advantages in marriage, if they does it for financial reasons expect romantic ones.

6 hours ago, TripleA said:

If someone does want to have children, does raising children with friends or non-romantic partners seem more logical than risking

Interesting how you still link children and partnership here. I will probably adopt alone someday, and maybe give my ovocytes (yes, I have strange ideas).

Also, maybe it sounds logical, but not for an allo perspective : allo people want to live with their loved one after all. I don't see why any of this partnership would be less risky for an allo? Plus it would be more damaging to their mental health to deny their attraction I think. So it is only true if you are aro I think.

6 hours ago, TripleA said:

Are those who are Aromantic less susceptible to mental illness because they don't need/want to pursue romantic relationships, therefore won't suffer the pain of rejection, the friendzone or a breakup?

For what I always read it is the contrary. Because we can feel rejeton,  even if it's not romantic. We have the romance zone instead of the friend zone.  And friendship break up can be painful too. And I think it's worst for us because society won't understand that, or minimize it, which leader aros to be alone to face this. Contrary to allos who will have support in their rejection.

6 hours ago, TripleA said:

 Maybe we should look into alternatives to romantic relationships to satisfy our needs instead of putting ourselves up for failure a lot of the time?

True. Not because of failure, but just because it is not sans to place one's happiness is only one type of relationship. Famille and friendly bounds are important too, and probably other relationships that I forget.

6 hours ago, TripleA said:

Should we refrain from using social media or dating apps to pursue romance?

I don't think so : romance does makes people happy. Plus, social media is just a new way to pursue it.

24 minutes ago, DogObsessedLiz said:

I'm aroace and to compare, I'm much more neutral-open to sex than I am to romance

Funny, for me is the opposite : I am more repulsed by sex than romance. Like I don't like sex in books, but I don't mind romance usually.

I am not involved enough to think to any linked in particular, but I can look for some.

Interesting question. I could say I use it in the sense that I will say "I am not romance-repulsed", and I sad aros using this term. But I won't describe myself as indifferent or favorable. I don't really know how to place myself, and I don't really care. I can enjoy romantic love in movies or books, I can even wait for the kiss when I ship two characters. But in real life, I don't want it for me. I don't really know how I feel about someone kissing me; a bit disguted maybe, bit surely not as much as I feel about sex.

It's hard to tell because we are not in your head. Maybe you talk to them and compare your experiences, or compare tour experiences with allo people (if you are comfortable talking to them). I personnaly think that if you don't differentiate platonic and romantic attractions/feelings, it could be a sign you are aro, but I can't tell for you what your feelings are.

31 minutes ago, Hublah said:

Would It make me a bad person to stay with them, even if I am aro? I know they're both happy to be with me, but im not sure if it'd hurt them if I brought it up without knowing what i am/ how to explain it.

It won't make you a bad person, not at all! I heard about aros in couple with allos; not common, but if they know you are aro and are ok with it, there is no problem.

Maybe it will hurt them, but I think it would hurt them more to know you don't want to share it with them. Maybe they can help you figure this out.

Maybe some links to pages with people talking about their experiences? A linked to AUREA too, mentionning it was greatest recently?

About symbols,  arrows maybe, and I heard about white rings.

7 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I've always found the phrase "better half" to be kind of horrifying. Please love yourself..??

So true.

Just the idea that your lover is your half, as if you can't be complète without a romantic partner.

12 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

It includes several sexual and romantic orientation that are related to asexuality" (Il regroupe plusieurs orientations sexuelles et romantiques qui se rattachent à l'asexualité)

Well it implies that they are aromanticism is linked to asexuality, but you can be aro and not ace.

11 hours ago, Tagor said:

There are more things wrong with aromanticism on wikipedia, and they have been a topic here, but I donÄt think anybody has changed anything yet

I didn't see it oops. Maybe I can create an account and change things in the French page, but my English is not good enough to write in the English page.

Hi!

I was wondering if anybody here add a wikipedia account or know how to modify a page? I just noticed that the page about LGBT symbols don't talk about aromanticism. They present the flags of the different communities, and other symbols. This is true for the English page and the French page.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_symbols#Subculture_flags

https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symboles_LGBT

Now, I don't know LGBT community enough to know if the lists here are supposed to be exhaustive, or if it misses other identities (I think polyamory too, I don't know for other). But as they present the flag of asexuality, it sounds like they don't make the difference between the two. Personnaly I felt erased when I saw it.

Do you have thoughts about it?

I think you can try if you really want too, but with fixing clear limit with your friend, and explaining you are aro (make sûre that she gets it, because she doesn't seem to understand it for what you say).

But if you do it, you should for good reasons. If it is because she's interested in you and you don't want to broke her heart, or because you are scared to mise your friendship, I don't think it will work : if she doesn't get aromanticism she will expect you to reciprocate, not only to behave romantically; and then if will be painful for both of you. Same if you are not comfortable with romantic coded activities.

In other words, you can test this kind of relationship, but you have to know why you do it, and what you are read to do or not. The important is that you don't force yourself in anything you wouldn't do.

Nice thread!

Phrases like "Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world", or whatever you want instead of "beautiful". I'm sure that it's a wonderful feeling, but everytime I hear it sounds like you need it to be happy.

The whole concept of "the one" too. Because if you say you are aro, people will just assume that this special person will come and change your identity. Even if it does, you can still be in the grey are of the spectrum. Plus it doesn't invalidate how you felt at the moment.

Then not specifically alienating for aros, but things like "I am yours", "You are mine"... I don't get why this is romantic. The idea of belonging to someone else... Just no? Why would anybody want that?

I like Cristal Gris solution.

I'm not out to my father because I know he wouldn't understand. But I don't think it would change my relationship with him if I do : he would just think it's a phase, that I'll change my mind... in a more agressive way than how my mother did but because he is like that with things he doesn't get. He is the type of person who think people can't be happy if they has not what he want to have. But after that it would say that it would say the same between us, just that je would not put the same words on it.

And remember : you can't be wrong for coming out, only your parents can be wrong in their reaction

I just posted that I thought Will from Stranger Things was aro in a YouTube comment, and an idiot responded it doesn't exist. I am angry right now.