In a romantic relationship but realised I'm aro-ace

[Ankipan_]

For context, I've been in this relationship for near 4 months now. I met my boyfriend, and we hit off instantly, he confessed, I accepted, but warned him I was ace and might be grey-romantic, but he still accepted. (Warning, it's a very complex situation, so it gets long from here so I've written a TLDR at the end, feel free to skip to the ++!)

Since day one he's been insistent, nearly every conversation bringing up how we'll get married and have children. This freaked me out (mind you we're 17), but I tagged along with the idea, because that's what you do in relationships right? But children, I put my foot down, said I don't want children, we're far to young for that and I HATE the idea children. He said it's not bad because hormones make you move on from birthing pains anyway. (Uhmmm sorry what????) So 1, he's convinced we're soulmates and we'll marry. Also, I've always found it very uncomfortable kissing, I told him I don't want to do it anymore, but it did hurt me to tell him this because he loves loves loves kissing and cuddling, but I'm touch repulsed. I keep telling myself, and he's confident I'll get used to it but I find myself googling what partners do and how I fix myself, but it's been months, and that change isn't happening. (TW mentions of death) recently I've found myself praying I have a premature death because it seems like the best way of avoiding having children and continuing to have this horrible, alien feeling I get from being in a relationship, and it would be the best way for him to leave me. Quite recently, I've made a new friend whom I talk to him about a lot, which he responded to "she's cheating... I kill." I imagine it's jokingly but I've had frequent violent nightmares since he's said that.

Every night he tells me he loves me, but it makes me feel sick to the stomach, and since the beginning of this relationship I've been finding roundabout ways of saying it back (like sending a silly WhatsApp-core "love you sweety" big glittery rose gif).

The thing that hurts the most, is that's he's very sweet, kind, understanding. But I feel like these past months, I'm drowning. I feel trapped, and we haven't met up because of school stuff, but I feel so guilty that I'm happier alone. Nowadays I've been procrastinating answering his texts, getting horrible insomnia, and panic attacks everytime I see or hear the words "boyfriend/girlfriend" "children" "babies" etc.

It then struck me: I'm aro. Everything clicked into place, and the horrifying, satisfying realisation that I'm aro-ace dawned on me. It's unfair for him, an amazing person, to date me, someone who can't reciprocate the love he deserves. If I bring up aromanticism, I know he'll try to salvage this dying romance, and I certainly feel bad being another person to have broken his heart (as he's had poor relationships in the past that he's mentioned that if he had never met me, he likely wouldn't have ever dated again). Side note, he's told his mom about us, and in the way that he expects us to get married.

One more additional thing, my friends don't understand aromanticism (I've tried educating them about it although they don't know I'm aro) and they've made fun of it before. They said I'd be insane if I broke up with him, and that I'll change my mind eventually and would want to have his children and marry him frequently. (Which is why I'm here, I want an unbiased opinion from someone who understands aro-ace)

++ We run a club together in school so we'd see eachother frequently after the current winter holiday ends.

So, TLDR; I'm in a relationship, my boyfriend is super nice and understanding but sees a life with me, but I found out I'm aromantic. If I break up, my friends would hate me for it. Ideally though, I'd like to return to being friends.

SORRY THAT WAS SO SO LONG (ToT)

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

As someone who's been in a similar position before: Break up with him. Ditch your friends. Whatever it takes, but do NOT put your own wellbeing at risk just because of peer pressure. Also, the wishing for a premature death thing? It might not sound that serious at first glance, but the reality is, that is 100% suicidal ideation and it's NOT a normal or healthy thing to experience in any relationship. In most cases if you said to someone "Yeah, I really like this person, but sometimes he says things that make me feel suicidal and he won't stop and all my friends agree with the things he's saying," they'd be pretty horrified, yeah?

Also, to be honest... Marriage? He's thinking about marriage at 17, after you've been dating for FOUR MONTHS?!?!? Romantic or not, that's an absolutely absurd commitment to even think about making at that stage. Even if you were just friends looking to be roommates I'd be cautious, but marriage as a teenager to someone you've only been with for not even so much as a year... Yeah, no. There's like a 99% chance of that ending badly in any circumstances. It's also REALLY REALLY REALLY fucked up for him to make jokes about killing you for "cheating" when you talk about your friends. That's a sign of controlling behavior and is NOT an ok joke for him to make.

Ditch his ass and don't look back. Get friends who respect you and your life choices.

Edited January 8 by Jot-Aro Kujo

[MondoBilby]

It's clear that this relationship is taking a toll on your mental health, so break up with him. Don't give in to peer pressure, if your friends can't understand and/or respect the way you feel then they aren't good friends.

This will be a tricky situation to navigate, so be careful with how you word things of course. But if anyone lashes out at you (especially your bf) remember that you haven't done anything wrong and you are making the right choice for yourself.

Edited January 8 by MondoBilby

[DeltaAro]

19 hours ago, Ankipan_ said:

It's unfair for him, an amazing person, to date me, someone who can't reciprocate the love he deserves.

I don't think he's so amazing and instead extremely controlling, possessive and unhinged.

20 hours ago, Ankipan_ said:

Quite recently, I've made a new friend whom I talk to him about a lot, which he responded to "she's cheating... I kill." I imagine it's jokingly but I've had frequent violent nightmares since he's said that.

I would interpret this as a thinly veiled threat.

20 hours ago, Ankipan_ said:

(TW mentions of death) recently I've found myself praying I have a premature death

😢 You should take this seriously because active suicidal ideation can develop from it, which is dangerous.

19 hours ago, Ankipan_ said:

One more additional thing, my friends don't understand aromanticism (I've tried educating them about it although they don't know I'm aro) and they've made fun of it before. They said I'd be insane if I broke up with him, and that I'll change my mind eventually and would want to have his children and marry him frequently. (Which is why I'm here, I want an unbiased opinion from someone who understands aro-ace)

You being aro is the least of the problems here.

It would be one thing if you were 20 years old, harmoniously together since 2 years, and both be totally on board with marrying and having children. One could still make a case it would be ill-advised ... but why not. Instead, you're a minor and together since 4 months - there's nothing remotely reasonable about his plans.

Oh, and then are all the other problems...

Obviously, there's no way to salvage this. And your friends suck, since they totally buy into all his nonsense instead of supporting you.

You should safely dump him remotely and then strictly avoid him. Don't even break up with him face-to-face - as psychologically unstable as he is, this is potentially dangerous.