Ankipan_

For context, I've been in this relationship for near 4 months now. I met my boyfriend, and we hit off instantly, he confessed, I accepted, but warned him I was ace and might be grey-romantic, but he still accepted. (Warning, it's a very complex situation, so it gets long from here so I've written a TLDR at the end, feel free to skip to the ++!) Since day one he's been insistent, nearly every conversation bringing up how we'll get married and have children. This freaked me out (mind you we're 17), but I tagged along with the idea, because that's what you do in relationships right? But children, I put my foot down, said I don't want children, we're far to young for that and I HATE the idea children. He said it's not bad because hormones make you move on from birthing pains anyway. (Uhmmm sorry what????) So 1, he's convinced we're soulmates and we'll marry. Also, I've always found it very uncomfortable kissing, I told him I don't want to do it anymore, but it did hurt me to tell him this because he loves loves loves kissing and cuddling, but I'm touch repulsed. I keep telling myself, and he's confident I'll get used to it but I find myself googling what partners do and how I fix myself, but it's been months, and that change isn't happening. (TW mentions of death) recently I've found myself praying I have a premature death because it seems like the best way of avoiding having children and continuing to have this horrible, alien feeling I get from being in a relationship, and it would be the best way for him to leave me. Quite recently, I've made a new friend whom I talk to him about a lot, which he responded to "she's cheating... I kill." I imagine it's jokingly but I've had frequent violent nightmares since he's said that. Every night he tells me he loves me, but it makes me feel sick to the stomach, and since the beginning of this relationship I've been finding roundabout ways of saying it back (like sending a silly WhatsApp-core "love you sweety" big glittery rose gif). The thing that hurts the most, is that's he's very sweet, kind, understanding. But I feel like these past months, I'm drowning. I feel trapped, and we haven't met up because of school stuff, but I feel so guilty that I'm happier alone. Nowadays I've been procrastinating answering his texts, getting horrible insomnia, and panic attacks everytime I see or hear the words "boyfriend/girlfriend" "children" "babies" etc. It then struck me: I'm aro. Everything clicked into place, and the horrifying, satisfying realisation that I'm aro-ace dawned on me. It's unfair for him, an amazing person, to date me, someone who can't reciprocate the love he deserves. If I bring up aromanticism, I know he'll try to salvage this dying romance, and I certainly feel bad being another person to have broken his heart (as he's had poor relationships in the past that he's mentioned that if he had never met me, he likely wouldn't have ever dated again). Side note, he's told his mom about us, and in the way that he expects us to get married. One more additional thing, my friends don't understand aromanticism (I've tried educating them about it although they don't know I'm aro) and they've made fun of it before. They said I'd be insane if I broke up with him, and that I'll change my mind eventually and would want to have his children and marry him frequently. (Which is why I'm here, I want an unbiased opinion from someone who understands aro-ace) ++ We run a club together in school so we'd see eachother frequently after the current winter holiday ends. So, TLDR; I'm in a relationship, my boyfriend is super nice and understanding but sees a life with me, but I found out I'm aromantic. If I break up, my friends would hate me for it. Ideally though, I'd like to return to being friends. SORRY THAT WAS SO SO LONG (ToT)