Confused

[Oko]

Hello everybody. I'm new here, I found this page by coincidence.

I'm confused by myself. I had relationships in the past. In most cases with somebody who I knew for some time before I started to date with him. He interested about me and I was like "Ok, why not?" but it usually took just some months and after the breakup I felt relief and happiness, no sadness. I considered it a mistake.

My last relationship took 4,5 years (and I found out I'm asexual during it) and after the breakup, it was relief too. I wasn't sad and I was immediately okay with it. 

Now I'm single and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I live just with my cat and I'm totally satisfied.

I have never been looking for relationships, I have always been okey with being single. I just didn't resist and somebody found me.

Now I'm like: *Relationship? Never more!* I love being single and independent.

Romantic movies are boring for me. Just if it's funny and crazy with some romantic😀

People often tell me "You're just disappointed that's why you resist, you have to meet a 'right person', you have to change your mind to not attract a bad people..." etc. But if it was right, I was sad about it, wasn't me?

Is it possible I'm aromantic, or it's realy some "defense mechanism"? I don't know.

And another thing: When I was a child, my mother divorced with my father and found a new boyfriend (call him P.). I asked her "Who you love more? Me or P.?" (I wanted her to say me, of course😀) and she told me: "I can't tell who I love more, I love you differently than him. It's another love. When you will have a partner, you'll understand it." Ok, I'm 26 and I had a partner and I still don't understand it. If you love somebody, you are interested in him/her, you take care about him/her, you want him/her to be happy, live, healthy... It can be your mother/father/sibling/partner... for me it's the same. What another love???

Is there somebody who understand it?

Sorry for my english, I'm not a native speaker.

[hemogoblin]

7 hours ago, Oko said:

Is it possible I'm aromantic,

Sure, why wouldn't it be?

7 hours ago, Oko said:

or it's realy some "defense mechanism"?

I say this a lot, but why does this have to be an either/or situation? What if you let both things be true?

7 hours ago, Oko said:

Is there somebody who understand it?

Yes, you have found the place where a lot of people are going to be able to relate to your experiences. =)

[Oko]

13 minutes ago, hemogoblin said:

Sure, why wouldn't it be?

Because I was in love and relationships in the past. Maybe I just decided to be single.

13 minutes ago, hemogoblin said:

I say this a lot, but why does this have to be an either/or situation? What if you let both things be true?

Maybe it's true, but aromantism and "defense mechanism" is not the same.

17 minutes ago, hemogoblin said:

Yes, you have found the place where a lot of people are going to be able to relate to your experiences. =)

Thank you :)

[hemogoblin]

2 hours ago, Oko said:

Because I was in love and relationships in the past. Maybe I just decided to be single.

A) So if a lesbian was in a relationship with a man or gay man was in a relationship with a woman in the past, does that invalidate them being a lesbian or being a gay man?

B) You did decide to be single. So did I. So does everyone who chooses not to pursue a relationship. What does that have to do with being or not being aromantic?

C) So are aros who feel some level of romantic attraction and/or date also invalid, then? What does the definition of aromantic have to do with dating or not?

2 hours ago, Oko said:

Maybe it's true, but aromantism and "defense mechanism" is not the same.

I didn't say they were. I said they could coexist. They are not exclusive concepts.

[Holmbo]

Regardless of if you're aromantic or not you have the right to stay single. And if it makes you happy don't mind if anyone else tells you otherwise. I recommend the podcast Solo which talks a lot about the positive sides of being single.

[Oko]

6 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

A) So if a lesbian was in a relationship with a man or gay man was in a relationship with a woman in the past, does that invalidate them being a lesbian or being a gay man?

Of course not. They just didn't know it.

6 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

B) You did decide to be single. So did I. So does everyone who chooses not to pursue a relationship. What does that have to do with being or not being aromantic?

I thought aromantic people can't "be in love" with somebody. Maybe I'm wrong. Romantic people usually want to some "love person" and they're sad if don't have any.

6 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

C) So are aros who feel some level of romantic attraction and/or date also invalid, then? What does the definition of aromantic have to do with dating or not?

No, I didn't want to say that. I'm just confused about the attraction what I felt. I don't know if it was romantic/alterous/platonic/another? I don't know how to know it.

6 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

I didn't say they were. I said they could coexist. They are not exclusive concepts.

Maybe you're right.

1 hour ago, Holmbo said:

Regardless of if you're aromantic or not you have the right to stay single. And if it makes you happy don't mind if anyone else tells you otherwise. I recommend the podcast Solo which talks a lot about the positive sides of being single.

Yes, you're right. I don't want to be in relationship anymore. It makes me unhappy just imagining it. Can I find the podcast on YouTube?

[Holmbo]

5 hours ago, Oko said:

Yes, you're right. I don't want to be in relationship anymore. It makes me unhappy just imagining it. Can I find the podcast on YouTube?

Sure

https://youtube.com/@soloasinglepersonsguidetoa3476?si=t-5GNoyXUPCtFf7F

[Oko]

Thanks :)

[hemogoblin]

6 hours ago, Oko said:

Of course not. They just didn't know it.

You deserve the same understanding you are giving others. :)

 

6 hours ago, Oko said:

I thought aromantic people can't "be in love" with somebody. Maybe I'm wrong. Romantic people usually want to some "love person" and they're sad if don't have any.

So aromantic means "low or no romantic attraction". Someone who is around may never experience romantic attraction. They may only experience a low level attraction on the rare occasion. They may only experience romantic attraction to someone they've formed a deep bond with. They might only experience aromantic attraction towards strangers or fictional characters. They may go through rare periods of experiencing really intense romantic attraction. Aromantic is a label for anyone who doesn't experience romantic attraction in the strict societally expected way (regularly, consistently). 

Some aros may indeed love romantically. Some may love platonically. Some may love in another way (alterously). Some may experience love multiple forms and some in no form. Aro is still a broad label that allows for a great variety of experiences!

6 hours ago, Oko said:

No, I didn't want to say that. I'm just confused about the attraction what I felt. I don't know if it was romantic/alterous/platonic/another? I don't know how to know it.

Maybe not knowing or not being able to tell is your answer! (Heard of quoiromantic? It's just an example of embracing not knowing or not prescribing to such concepts.)

[Oko]

30 minutes ago, hemogoblin said:

So aromantic means "low or no romantic attraction". Someone who is around may never experience romantic attraction. They may only experience a low level attraction on the rare occasion. They may only experience romantic attraction to someone they've formed a deep bond with. They might only experience aromantic attraction towards strangers or fictional characters. They may go through rare periods of experiencing really intense romantic attraction. Aromantic is a label for anyone who doesn't experience romantic attraction in the strict societally expected way (regularly, consistently). 

Some aros may indeed love romantically. Some may love platonically. Some may love in another way (alterously). Some may experience love multiple forms and some in no form. Aro is still a broad label that allows for a great variety of experiences!

So it doesn't matter if someone was in love/relationship in the past? This person can still be aro? I don't know how to know if it's romantic or platonic.

33 minutes ago, hemogoblin said:

Maybe not knowing or not being able to tell is your answer! (Heard of quoiromantic? It's just an example of embracing not knowing or not prescribing to such concepts.)

I never heard about it, I read about it. It's name for "asking about romantic", right?

[hemogoblin]

1 hour ago, Oko said:

So it doesn't matter if someone was in love/relationship in the past? This person can still be aro?

Exactly. It doesn't even matter if you were the most alloromantic to ever allo in the past. Labels aren't about how we used to feel or predicting how we will feel. They don't need to be forever terms. They're just about how we feel now. 

1 hour ago, Oko said:

I never heard about it, I read about it. It's name for "asking about romantic", right?

It's a pretty broad term for anyone who doesn't know how to distinguish between attraction types like romantic/platonic, doesn't know if they do experience attraction, or doesn't understand the concept of attraction at all, etc. 

https://aromantic.fandom.com/wiki/Quoiromantic

[Oko]

1 hour ago, hemogoblin said:

Exactly. It doesn't even matter if you were the most alloromantic to ever allo in the past. Labels aren't about how we used to feel or predicting how we will feel. They don't need to be forever terms. They're just about how we feel now. 

It's funny. I said the same things about asexuality. Like "I can't be asexual because I am/was in relationship" nonsense, I know. Now I feel really nothing, just enjoying single life.

1 hour ago, hemogoblin said:

It's a pretty broad term for anyone who doesn't know how to distinguish between attraction types like romantic/platonic, doesn't know if they do experience attraction, or doesn't understand the concept of attraction at all, etc. 

It's nice. Can it be used for somebody who don't know what she/he felt in the past?

[hemogoblin]

4 hours ago, Oko said:

It's nice. Can it be used for somebody who don't know what she/he felt in the past?

There aren't any rules. That's what I've been trying to say. It's about you and how you feel about it. You don't need permission to feel your feelings or to categorize/label them different ways or to explore and experiment with labels and different expressions and boundaries.

There answer to "Is it"/"Can it" is pretty much always "yes if that works for/makes sense to you".

[Oko]

Nice. Thank you for your help.🙂

[DeltaAro]

On 11/20/2023 at 7:06 PM, Oko said:

People often tell me "You're just disappointed that's why you resist, you have to meet a 'right person', you have to change your mind to not attract a bad people..." etc. But if it was right, I was sad about it, wasn't me?

Is it possible I'm aromantic, or it's realy some "defense mechanism"? I don't know.

Even if it was some "defense mechanism" the label "aromantic" wouldn't be misapplied. Aro doesn't mean "born aro". There's even a micro-label for this: Caedromantic.

Anyway, I never met somebody who was effectively treated for such internal, subconscious blockages, that caused a lack of conscious romantic feelings, and then became open for romance.

Contrary to that, I've met so many effectively treated people who had blockages from debilitating social anxiety, trust, anger. ... They all perfectly knew that they wanted to experience romance and they felt romantic attraction. They just couldn't translate it into action.

[Oko]

3 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

Even if it was some "defense mechanism" the label "aromantic" wouldn't be misapplied. Aro doesn't mean "born aro". There's even a micro-label for this: Caedromantic.

I read about it. It's "someone who feels that they were alloromantic at one point, but that has been taken or “cut away” from them due to past trauma". I have a bad experiences, but I don't call it "trauma". It's strong word.

6 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

Anyway, I never met somebody who was effectively treated for such internal, subconscious blockages, that caused a lack of conscious romantic feelings, and then became open for romance.

Contrary to that, I've met so many effectively treated people who had blockages from debilitating social anxiety, trust, anger. ... They all perfectly knew that they wanted to experience romance and they felt romantic attraction. They just couldn't translate it into action.

I understand people with anxiety need the help. But I don't have it (maybe I have trust issues). But I'm happy the way I am. Without love and relationship. I don't think I need a psychologist for curing me to "feel romantic" or "love" or "want the relationship". I think it's useless for me.

[DeltaAro]

 

8 minutes ago, Oko said:

I understand people with anxiety need the help. But I don't have it (maybe I have trust issues). But I'm happy the way I am. Without love and relationship. I don't think I need a psychologist for curing me to "feel romantic" or "love" or "want the relationship". I think it's useless for me.

Then it would be settled. Only discussion would be: are you a "legitimate" aromantic?

But there's no World Aromantic Governing Body that can give you a certificate. 😉

I guess that only very few would not "accept" you, since it's not unusual to have some relationship history, including even long relationships.

Or do you have fear of missing out?

The problem with the comparison with gay people is that gay people have those situations that can hit them like a truck. When they feel attraction.

For aromantics, there is no such thing. So if they aren't romance-repulsed, it can happen that they just tolerate and go along with a romantic relationship. This makes it so tricky.

Aromantics are in the situation of someone who has to prove "There are no black swans".

[Oko]

5 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

 

Then it would be settled. Only discussion would be: are you a "legitimate" aromantic?

But there's no World Aromantic Governing Body that can give you a certificate. 😉

I guess that only very few would not "accept" you, since it's not unusual to have some relationship history, including even long relationships.

Or do you have fear of missing out?

The problem with the comparison with gay people is that gay people have those situations that can hit them like a truck. When they feel attraction.

For aromantics, there is no such thing. So if they aren't romance-repulsed, it can happen that they just tolerate and go along with a romantic relationship. This makes it so tricky.

Aromantics are in the situation of someone who has to prove "There are no black swans".

Just if I'm aromantic or it's some another thing.

Missing out what? I tried it a few times and it's not for me.

I'm "romance-repulsed" in movies/stories, they are boring for me😀

Maybe you're right with the "tolerance". My exboyfriend often complained I don't "behave romantic", I don't "do the romantic things, gestures" and I didn't know how to do it.😀

It's like asexuals. It's hard to find out "no feeling sexual attraction" if they don't know what is it...

[DeltaAro]

27 minutes ago, Oko said:

Just if I'm aromantic or it's some another thing.

Missing out what? I tried it a few times and it's not for me.

Sorry, I didn't mean it in a confrontational manner.

But doesn't "I tried [romance] a few times and it's not for me" sum up what aromanticism is about? 🙂

So you sound very aromantic to me. But if you have some other need for clarification, could you give me some more hints?

27 minutes ago, Oko said:

I'm "romance-repulsed" in movies/stories, they are boring for me😀

I'm more extremely romance-repulsed. I couldn't have tolerated a relationship for 4 ½ years, for sure. Me after a few weeks: "I've gotta get outta here ASAP"

But such strong romance repulsion is not necessary to qualify as aromantic.

27 minutes ago, Oko said:

It's like asexuals. It's hard to find out "no feeling sexual attraction" if they don't know what is it...

Yes, you're right. So you already know the drill. You searched for the turtles 🐢 and at some point decided there are none.

I could similarly speculate about some "defense mechanism" that causes you to not feel sexual attraction, and you wouldn't care about it.

Aside from your past relationships, is there anything different when it comes to romance?

Edited November 22, 2023 by DeltaAro

[Oko]

5 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

Sorry, I didn't mean it in a confrontational manner.

It's ok. You don't have to apologize.

6 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

But doesn't "I tried [romance] a few times and it's not for me" sum up what aromanticism is about? 🙂

Maybe?🤷‍♀️ Or just "bad choice (a partner) according to some people.

10 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

So you sound very aromantic to me. But if you have some other need for clarification, could you give me some more hints?

What about "adoring" some celebrity? (when I was a teenager). Could this be some kind of "romantic"?

13 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

I'm more extremely romance-repulsed. I couldn't have tolerated a relationship for 4 ½ years, for sure. Me after a few weeks: "I've gotta get outta here ASAP"

But such strong romance repulsion is not necessary to qualify as aromantic.

I just hoped It will be better. But is was worse and worse... I don't understand my tendency to stay in a bad relationship. And feel happy after the breakup😁

16 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

Yes, you're right. So you already know the drill. You searched for the turtles 🐢 and at some point decided there are none.

I could similarly speculate about some "defense mechanism" that causes you to not feel sexual attraction, and you wouldn't care about it.

Aside from the relationships, is there anything different when it comes to romance?

My mother said it could be "defense mechanism" from pregnancy, but I found out it's not true.

Maybe the imagining relationship with celebrity? I did it often when I was a teenager.

[DeltaAro]

10 minutes ago, Oko said:

Maybe?🤷‍♀️ Or just "bad choice (a partner) according to some people.

You didn't experience any meaningful attraction before your relationship.

Also, "I just didn't resist" is not what we usually mean by "bad choices" in this context.

Instead, it means: falling in love with someone who turns out to have a bad, manipulative character and being in denial because of rose-tinted glasses (romantic feelings).

16 minutes ago, Oko said:

What about "adoring" some celebrity? (when I was a teenager). Could this be some kind of "romantic"?

Of course, celebrity crushes exist, but it's very common to adore celebrities non-romantically. Admiring somebody for their looks, talents, etc. feeling a close connection as a fan, that's not romantic.

Yes, it could theoretically be 'romantic', but it's not likely - especially if you never experienced it for someone in your closer environment, which at 26 years of age really happens for most people.

And even if we count it, it's still very rare compared to the average.

Aromantic doesn't have to mean "no romantic feelings", it's enough to have "little-to-no romantic feelings".

[Oko]

6 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

You didn't experience any meaningful attraction before your relationship.

Also, "I just didn't resist" is not what we usually mean by "bad choices" in this context.

I felt some attraction, but I don't know which. But if he wasn't interested in me, we was still "just" friends. Often happened I imagined relationship wit somebody (good friend) and I felt uncomfortable (maybe sick). I "friendzoned" a lot of people who was interested in me.

11 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

Instead, it means: falling in love with someone who turns out to have a bad, manipulative character and being in denial because of rose-tinted glasses (romantic feelings).

He was a good "actor". I didn't love him, I loved the illusion. I woke up to this and I ended it.

14 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

Of course, celebrity crushes exist, but it's very common to adore celebrities non-romantically. Admiring somebody for their looks, talents, etc. feeling a close connection as a fan, that's not romantic.

Yes, it could theoretically be 'romantic', but it's not likely - especially if you never experienced it for someone in your closer environment, which at 26 years of age really happens for most people.

And even if we count it, it's still very rare compared to the average.

Aromantic doesn't have to mean "no romantic feelings", it's enough to have "little-to-no romantic feelings".

I don't know if it was romantic. I loved his music, his voice, maybe his look. I had lot of his photos in my room and imagined meeting/dating with him. It's funny, because he is married😀

But no, nobody in my closer environment. I just looked to somebody good-looking and said "He's handsome" but it was just trying to "be like others" because "every girls are looking to boys"😃

[DeltaAro]

On 11/22/2023 at 10:46 PM, Oko said:

I felt some attraction, but I don't know which. But if he wasn't interested in me, we was still "just" friends. Often happened I imagined relationship wit somebody (good friend) and I felt uncomfortable (maybe sick). I "friendzoned" a lot of people who was interested in me.

I can't answer it for you! 🤷‍♂️

Regarding the original question: You can adopt "aromantic" provisionally or tentatively. There's nothing to fear about the identity itself. If it doesn't fit anymore, drop it.

So I don't know why it's such a big deal to find out if you're "objectively" aromantic.

Identities don't work like "my image of myself must correspond to my real self".

The real self is not strictly separable from the image. It's easy to end up ruminating about this endlessly, which is even recognized as a form of OCD.

So for me personally, I'd only ask what practical difference does it make in your life?

There's certainly a huge difference between a version of you who starts actively looking for someone or one who just gives up about this.

So that's it. I don't have anything more to say. 🙂

[Synthetic Adrenaline]

On 11/22/2023 at 7:56 PM, DeltaAro said:

 

Then it would be settled. Only discussion would be: are you a "legitimate" aromantic?

But there's no World Aromantic Governing Body that can give you a certificate. 😉

I guess that only very few would not "accept" you, since it's not unusual to have some relationship history, including even long relationships.

Or do you have fear of missing out?

The problem with the comparison with gay people is that gay people have those situations that can hit them like a truck. When they feel attraction.

For aromantics, there is no such thing. So if they aren't romance-repulsed, it can happen that they just tolerate and go along with a romantic relationship. This makes it so tricky.

Aromantics are in the situation of someone who has to prove "There are no black swans".

Yeah I sometimes feel like I'm intruding on this forum and unfairly taking a space from someone else lol. I'm not a true aromantic in some senses of the word. I absolutely have had crushes and an attractive man can certainly have hypnotic power over me...I just don't like relationships and find them hard on my introversion. I always end up wanting my freedom back. Relationships are a bit too much like 'people time' for me.

I joined this site largely because I wanted to meet people without the risk of someone developing feelings for me and then being upset if I didn't reciprocate. I had just had that happen with a male friend from a meme group and I didn't want it happening again.

 

[Synthetic Adrenaline]

I am also not a very lovey or feelingsy person but I can't say if that's being aromantic or just pragmatic.

There are 8 billion people on the planet. Falling in love with one just seems silly. They're a human being who farts and burps like everyone else. What's to write poetry or start wars over?