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In a relationship with an allo person


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I have a bit of a dilemma here, and i need some perspective that is not that strongly influenced by amatonormativity. Ive considered myself aroace for about 5 years, the same time ive known one of my best friends, he is gay and likes another one of our friends. The other friend is straight and allo, and even after saying this, and stating boundaries, my best friend continued to pursue him to the point where it was a bit uncomfy. Recently the three of us fought a bit, my friends stopped talking between them, my friend of 5 years and i are distancing from eachother but me and the other friend are closer than ever. 

Turns out he likes me, a lot, and we are kinda dating now, we cuddle and hold hands (i love physical touch) and kiss (i dont get it at all but he likes it) on top of our normal friend stuff and some more sex adyacent stuff(idk what it was honestly, but he seemed happy and it was fun). He knows im aroace so the stuff we do is limited, and he respects when i say no, but it is still a monogamous, commited, close relationship and i feel like my friend(former friend?) will get mad at me for this. I however see no point in making myself and my partner(?) feel like shit just because someone else, with no chance of dating him, likes him, i know there is like this "code" against daiting your best friends crushes but idk, after our fight i dont feel like compromising any part of me for his sake. Opinions?

Also, has anyone been in a relationship like this before, ive talked to him and explained that i wont be able to reciprocate many of his feelings but he doesnt see a problem with it, im a bit scared he will eventually feel hurt, i dont want that to happen, but i can only do so much.

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38 minutes ago, Kalina1528 said:


Ultimately, the only people's opinions whose matter are those who are directly involved in the relationship. That's you and your partner. Not me, not your (former) friend (who, btw, I suggest making that "former" official; sounds like he sexually harassed your partner, and that is unacceptable behavior).

39 minutes ago, Kalina1528 said:

im a bit scared he will eventually feel hurt

Unfortunately, thus is the nature of life. This is kind of the point of dating, as well. You can't predict the future. He can't either. Best just appreciate the time you have together while you have it together. This may end up being days, weeks, months, years, or decades. Enjoy it for as long as you're able. You have no idea what will happen in the future. Tons of things could happen. Things totally unrelated to your different identities could happen and cause hurt. You're just gonna have to face that potential possibility if it ever happens. If you spend too much time worrying about the future, you'll miss getting to actually live in the present.

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36 minutes ago, hemogoblin said:

sounds like he sexually harassed your partner, and that is unacceptable behavior

Yeah, its a bit of a complicated situation, and my own feelings are also in the mix so im not sure what to think.

38 minutes ago, hemogoblin said:

Enjoy it for as long as you're able. You have no idea what will happen in the future.

You're right, I had no idea i would be here a couple of weeks ago, i think i will try my best to go with the flow. Me and my partner are quite happy at the moment, i should enjoy that. 

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  • 1 month later...

I have not ever been in a relationship like that, and I envy you (your luck with a partner, not the unfortunate stuff with the other friend) I hope everything turns out okay for you, because in my experience, finding a good partner is just the hardest thing in the world

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Your former/maybe current best friend might feel bad about you dating their crush but it sounds like you don't want to give this person up solely based on your friends feeling. In the end it's your decision. If your best friend feels bad about the relationship and you still want to keep the friendship you could offer not to talk about your relationship until he feels he's over the guy.

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