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Intimacy rant (not the adult kind of intimacy)


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I am coming to realize that I may have trouble getting the sort of intimacy I want in my life.

I have 2 really good friends.  I am really grateful for them, and the role they play in my life.  I talk to them almost every day.  

I am planning on living VanLife when I graduate college.  Today I asked my friends if they would be interested in travelling with me, one said no, the other said he'd think about it.  I also have a couple of other close friends.  One said "no" outright, and the other simply hasn't responded.  

I am astonished.  I thought my friends were closer to me than this.  I mean I don't expect my friends to drop everything and hop into my van.  But I had hoped to spend my life with these friends, and it seems like they don't want the same thing.

I did find a travel companion.  This person has been on the road for a while now, is experienced, can show me the ropes, and gave me a "probable yes".  He is wonderful.  I enjoy his company.  However, I was really hoping to live with one of my original close friends in the future, and it seems like I'm not gonna have that.  And that is killing me inside.  

I imagine it's a lot like being in an arranged marriage when you're really in love with someone else.  I love my friends and want to be with them, but I can't do that and travel.  I don't think I can even be with them even if I don't travel.  One prefers our lives to be separate, and the other would prefer to live alone.  So I don't think my friends even want to be with me the way I want to be with them.  I guess what it comes down to is that I'm not sure my friends value me as much as I value them.  I fear that it's going to be a lonely life, even with my travel companion.  I don't think he'll ever want to cuddle me.  Even if he did, he's allosexual, so I fear that would open a whole new can of worms.  Also, he's not one of my close friends, so it just wouldn't be as special somehow.  I just...how hard does it have to fucking be to find a best friend who will travel with you?  Is it really so difficult?  Why are my best friends either unsure of the whole thing, just plain don't want to, live overseas, or are just closed minded to the possibility?  Is the prospect of a life with me really so horrendous?  Is the prospect of living an alternative lifestyle really so threatening?  Is the prospect of going on the road long-term really that scary?  One of my friends complains a lot about the fact that he can't get a girlfriend, and I imagine it feels a lot like how I am feeling right now.  He has to face the prospect of life without the sort of intimacy he wants; I have to face the prospect of a life without the kind of intimacy I want.  And that makes me really sad.  How hard can it be to find a person I "click" with, who will be a good, close friend, that is also willing to travel?  Apparently nearly impossible.

Damn it all to hell.

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  • 2 months later...

I’m really sorry that you’re going through all these complicated feelings :(. 

I can kind of relate to what you’re saying. It sometimes feels like my friends don’t care about me as much as I care about them. Or we have very different plans for our lives. It sucks, and I know how badly that hurts. I am so so sorry. It’s horrible to feel the way you’re feeling. 

On the other hand, try not to be too hard on yourself. It can be hard for almost anyone to find people they truly connect with… I just want you to know that you are not unlovable. You probably didn’t do anything wrong. People are just… complicated. 

I hope that you find someone who is willing to be an AMAZING friend to you, and travel with you! You deserve to be happy! I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s true. I wish I could magically solve your dilemma for you :(. 

Edited by Froggodraws
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Does your friends want to live van life? That question is essential and have nothing to do with their intimacy level with you as I can see.

ETA to clarify. Your friends can be close to you but still not have any interest in van life.

Edited by Holmbo
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