Am I okay

[Rackson]

Am I okay, I don't know. You tell me.

Everyone tells me things, and I believe them. You can convince me that I feel anything. I try and quarantine myself from other peoples input or opinion so I can form my own, but people still get through. I can't stop thinking, and then I overthink, and that makes me stressed so I under-think, and then I don't think about my decisions and act impulsively. 

I joined this website thinking, am I aromantic? But the real question should have been much more broad. Who am I. 

I seem to only feel what other people tell me too when it comes to sexuality and romance. I can't stop. Something changed in me this last summer. Something deep down. I am not sure what to do on here anymore. Aromantiscm is a very real thing, but that can't stop me from wondering. Have we just not found the right people yet? Or are we doing something wrong? I don't know anymore, I am so susceptible to other peoples opinions, that I don't know what to think about anything. I think so many thoughts, but can't decide on anything. I felt fine before. I wanted a girlfriend, but didn't feel those icky feelings for people at all. I didn't know what to do, I probably would have shut up and not said anything and been a looser who couldn't talk to anyone.

But now, I don't know what to think. Every time I make up my mind on anything, I question my decision. I don't know if I am aromantic, asexual, pan-romantic, pansexual, transgender, or straight. Part of me misses the fog that I lived in when I was sure I was straight. There was something nice to not worry or think about any of this stuff, to shove it in the back of your problems so you didn't have to think about it. 

I had my first panic attack a week or so ago, then my first serious case of dissociation,  I never had any of these problems before. So why are they appearing now. Its like the world knew that I was changing, and said "Hey he can handle hell, right?" and now i'm in the thick of it. 

I know I don't need to be anyone but myself, but when you are everyone else, who are you? Who is the person in the mirror, when they are only what people tell them. The only thing I know is that I want to become a better person, for everyone. That's the only thing I can make up my mind about.  

Part of me says "just go with the flow" and continue acting like everyone. But its rough, when you can't make up your mind on important decisions. I don't know if I just want to feel special, or if i'm heartless, or I am aromantic, or I am pan. This stuff is hard, and it just keeps on getting harder. I can't stop. I can't be myself, because I am myself. 

I don't know anything, all I know is that when I make up an important decision, I can't help but question it. It doesn't make sense, and when It does, something seems to reveal itself that changes how I think. 

I hope this reaches someone, because god knows that I can't decide for myself. Whats happening, is this the questioning part of not being straight, because im pretty sure you aren't supposed to question everything that you once thought you knew. 

Im 16 and I can't think straight. Literally and figuratively 

Edited September 9, 2023 by Rackson
personal info

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Honestly being 16 is just kinda like that, especially for folks who aren't cishet. I mean, at that age not only are you learning a whole bunch of new shit, but you're also developing physically a lot- Quite literally, you're changing, because your brain is growing and hormones are starting to do different shit and all that. So like, it's a lot to take in. Don't rush it. Taking the time to think about things is good, but don't make yourself think it's some sort of life or death thing where you have to decide how you identify and what you want and who you are RIGHT NOW. You've got all the time in the world, you'll probably start to feel more settled within the next few years.

I would definitely talk to someone about the panic attacks and hallucinations and such. Hallucinations in particular are NOT a normal part of growing up, so it's probably a good idea to have that looked into, especially if it happens again.

[kitywity]

im not u so i cant fully understand how ur feeling, but from what i read it sounds like how im feeling. i cant offer answers but know that ur not alone. <3

[Picklethewickle]

The parts about finding yourself feeling whatever other people are feeling sounds like a lack of emotional boundaries. People who don't have boundaries tend to absorb what other people feel, and look to other people's feelings, reactions, and behaviours for guidance. They tend to struggle to make decisions or to take actions on their own. It can be hard to set boundaries at first, particularly when you don't know what your limits are. It might help to start by getting in touch with your own feelings, such as by writing a journal. Give yourself little emotional check-ups through the day, particularly as you interact with other people. Take note if you feel good about what's going on in that moment. If you find you are irritable, tired, or impatient with what's going on, particularly for no clear reason, then chances are someone crossed a boundary without you realizing. Take note of whats going on when you feel comfortable, and compare that to what is going on when you feel uncomfortable. That will help you develop an understanding of what your core beliefs are, what your true emotions are, and where your boundaries would lie.

[Synthetic Adrenaline]

Try and remember that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter if you're aromantic or not. It's not a sin to be aromantic but it also doesn't matter if you decide you are then change your mind. You're not harming anyone. 

I would also go to the doctor about the hallucinations because those are not normal. You may have a serious neurological issue that needs treatment.

[Rackson]

On 9/6/2023 at 10:25 AM, Picklethewickle said:

The parts about finding yourself feeling whatever other people are feeling sounds like a lack of emotional boundaries. People who don't have boundaries tend to absorb what other people feel, and look to other people's feelings, reactions, and behaviours for guidance. They tend to struggle to make decisions or to take actions on their own. It can be hard to set boundaries at first, particularly when you don't know what your limits are. It might help to start by getting in touch with your own feelings, such as by writing a journal. Give yourself little emotional check-ups through the day, particularly as you interact with other people. Take note if you feel good about what's going on in that moment. If you find you are irritable, tired, or impatient with what's going on, particularly for no clear reason, then chances are someone crossed a boundary without you realizing. Take note of whats going on when you feel comfortable, and compare that to what is going on when you feel uncomfortable. That will help you develop an understanding of what your core beliefs are, what your true emotions are, and where your boundaries would lie.

I really like this,thank you.

[Rackson]

On 9/6/2023 at 10:25 AM, Picklethewickle said:

The parts about finding yourself feeling whatever other people are feeling sounds like a lack of emotional boundaries. People who don't have boundaries tend to absorb what other people feel, and look to other people's feelings, reactions, and behaviours for guidance. They tend to struggle to make decisions or to take actions on their own. It can be hard to set boundaries at first, particularly when you don't know what your limits are. It might help to start by getting in touch with your own feelings, such as by writing a journal. Give yourself little emotional check-ups through the day, particularly as you interact with other people. Take note if you feel good about what's going on in that moment. If you find you are irritable, tired, or impatient with what's going on, particularly for no clear reason, then chances are someone crossed a boundary without you realizing. Take note of whats going on when you feel comfortable, and compare that to what is going on when you feel uncomfortable. That will help you develop an understanding of what your core beliefs are, what your true emotions are, and where your boundaries would lie.

Can you tell me bit more about this please.