Dealing with Jealousy When Your Close Friend Starts Dating Someone

[Ghostflower]

A close friend of mine recently acquired a romantic partner, and I want to treat the situation with equal parts honesty and understanding.  I would love to hear other people's experiences in similar situations and get some advice on how they would or have navigated it. 

A few clarifying points about my situation:

1) I am definitely experiencing feelings of jealousy, but I don't think that this is because I want to be in a romantic relationship with my friend.  It seems to stem from my fear of being "left behind," specifically in long-term scenarios like living arrangements and lifelong commitments. 

2) Imagining other friends gaining romantic partners does not distress me like it does with this friend specifically.  I think that's because this friend and I have known each other for so long (roughly a decade) and I had started to see him as a safety net and to envision a future together.

3) We do not live together, though we have discussed it, and we have a long-distance friendship.  Still, my ideal scenario would involve sharing a home with at least one other person, although that feels unrealistic in this economy (in terms of staying close to my job and being able to afford a new place).

And a couple of clarifying points about what I'd be most interested to know (although by all means, feel free to comment with anything that this post brings to mind):

1) Do people derive a sense of comfort from having a label to "compete" with the more romantic phrases "boyfriend/girlfriend"?  I wonder if perhaps I should have an open discussion with my friend about cementing our relationship in some way so that I feel less afraid of being left behind as he starts dating someone, although I'm nervous that this is the wrong reason to add a label like "best friend" or "queerplatonic." 

2) Part of me feels like I should put on a brave face and keep my fears to myself, because I don't want to make my friend feel uncomfortable or guilty.  I genuinely want him to be happy, but I'm afraid of standing still on what feels like a sinking ship, staying there for my friend's sake until the water pulls me under and he no longer needs me/wants me around.  What advice do other folks have on striking a good balance between brutal honesty and stoic acceptance?

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

[Ghostflower]

11 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Yes, so I’m afraid of harping on the subject by bringing it up again the next time we talk.  I keep replaying the first conversation in my head and thinking about how I could have worded things better and imagining that his voice must have been expressing all sorts of negative emotions, like discomfort and fatigue.

[Lieden]

I feel the same way with my best friend. I wish I could offer some insight. For me I feel like I'm now never a priority, when I used to be. One moment in particular is a while ago, before my friend got a partner, they explained to me how when they hang out with their friends they always put away their phone so that they are fully present for their friends. Now their actions have gone back on that statement and whenever we hang out I see them texting their partner, they aren't fully present for me anymore. That's what makes me jealous, the fact that I am now somehow less important to them and therefore am less of a priority. So I understand your struggle, and I send you good wishes

[Synthetic Adrenaline]

I've also had people drift away. I don't really blame them. Ultimately...someone has to get married, have kids and prioritize those kids or the human race would die out.

At the same time, I'd like some human contact sometimes other than a mentally disabled family member making incessant high-pitched hissing noises. I am a huge introvert but even I do need to talk to people and be part of a group and hissing noises aren't exactly a meaningful interaction.

I have vague ideas for starting some sort of organization where aros, aces or just not-very-interested-in-relationships type people can meet and do activities but exactly how to go about it I am not sure yet. Would you be up for starting a discord group or a mailing list? Or perhaps a Zoom group?

[Ghostflower]

On 8/3/2023 at 2:44 PM, Lieden said:

I feel the same way with my best friend. I wish I could offer some insight. For me I feel like I'm now never a priority, when I used to be. One moment in particular is a while ago, before my friend got a partner, they explained to me how when they hang out with their friends they always put away their phone so that they are fully present for their friends. Now their actions have gone back on that statement and whenever we hang out I see them texting their partner, they aren't fully present for me anymore. That's what makes me jealous, the fact that I am now somehow less important to them and therefore am less of a priority. So I understand your struggle, and I send you good wishes

Thank you for this reply!  Honestly, sometimes it’s just nice to know that other people have gone through this, too.  On the one hand, I wish that it didn’t happen so often; we all deserve better than that!  But on the other hand, it’s comforting to be able to commiserate with others about how difficult these sorts of situations can be.  Thank you for the well wishes, and I’m sending you some of my own! C: