Sexuality crisis- Scared of being anything other than 100% sex-repulsed black stripe ace

[Guest]

 I have identified as ace for over a year now. I initially found the ace and aro communities together. I’m young. I’m still a minor. I also have severe gender dysphoria. Sometimes I feel like maybe I wouldn’t be ace if I had the body I want? I don’t know. I started identifying as ace back when I still thought I was cis. I guess I’ve always associated aro and ace. And I do think I’m at least arospec. I don’t understand love or romance, or at least not in the way that society seems to. Finding this forum raised some questions. I don’t know now. I found the term non-SAM aro. I can center my aromanticism without having to choose a sexuality label. But the problem is being objectum. Most people don’t make a distinction between being objectum (which involves animism and the concept that objects can have souls and reciprocate expressions of emotion) and just having a fetish. So objectums get sexualized an annoyingly stupid amount. I once saw an article about a man who’s partner was a bunch of balloons. The entire comment section (other than the WTF?! and Get Help stuff) was about how they have sex. People speculating about what goes on in the bedroom. If the article was about a relationship with two humans, the comment section wouldn’t have looked like that. What if the man is asexual? What if, like most allosexuals, he doesn’t want stupidly invasive questions asked? There was an AMA I saw once with a man who’s partner was a train. There was one person asking good-faith questions and a bunch of invasive questions. I am a member of a safe space for objectums. We once had a troll come in, start yelling at us, and call us degenerates. My response was that I was a sex-repulsed asexual. I use it as a shield. I’m not like that! Not like what everyone thinks of when they say objectum. But what if I am? This forum has somewhat opened my eyes. I know that my objectum-related stuff isn’t something a lot of people can relate to. But I know that even the stereotype of any non-ace aro is that they’re just horny every second of every minute of every day. Did anyone else not want to drop the aroace label to focus on the aro? I don’t want to become an easy target for anti-objectums again. I get enough shit! I don’t want to lose the safety net that “sex-repulsed asexual” is for me. But I don’t know if it’s accurate. Especially not when I’m also trans. Thoughts! Sorry, I would have posted this to an objectum site instead, but I don’t know if it’s allowed. Most of them don’t allow discussion of sexuality beyond quick mentions. I hoped that someone here might get it. If you want me to delete it I can.

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

I think what you should start by doing is trying to come to terms with sexuality- Not necessarily your sexuality, just sexuality in general. The concept of sex and sexual desire. 

It sounds like you have a lot of resistance to the idea of sexuality because it's been weaponized against you. This is totally understandable! But you have to understand that the problem is the people wielding the weapon. It's like how when people accuse others of being gay in a derogatory manner, the common response is to go "I'm not gay!", reinforcing the idea that gayness is a bad thing, rather than addressing why these people are using it as an insult in the first place. When someone calls you a degenerate (a word that has a long history of association with homophobia, transphobia, racism, and eugenics), they're not saying "I think you're someone who's not asexual, and that's fine." They're saying "I think you guys are into sex (other than purely reproductive married hetero sex), and I think that's wrong and gross. I don't like you guys, therefore you must be into wrong and gross sex." By immediately asserting that you could never be into sex, while I understand why that would be your first reaction, it only serves to reinforce the idea that sex is a bad thing. In other words, you're sharpening their weapons for them.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter if you're asexual, or allosexual, or something in between. But as long as you have this idea that sex and sexual desire are things to steer clear of, it's only going to do exactly what it's doing now- Cause you distress the second you might have any interest in the concept whatsoever. Obviously you don't have to be comfortable with people sexualizing you and speculating on your sexuality (which is a super fucked up thing for them to do), but you do need to come to terms with the fact that sex is a thing that some people desire and enjoy, and there's nothing wrong with it. There would be nothing wrong with it if it were something you wanted for yourself, and there would be nothing wrong with it even if you didn't.

Work on getting to a place where you can view sex and sexual desire as a neutral thing, and then figure yourself out.

[Picklethewickle]

Let yourself work out what love and romance mean to you, rather than trying to interpret yourself in terms of what other people tell you it is supposed to mean. Work on separating yourself from other people's projections. The fact that trolls are calling objectum a weird sex fetish doesn't mean they are right about you. They don't have the right to define you or your feelings.

It sounds like you've started to internalize their attacks. Basically, you've saying it's not a fetish because it doesn't involve sex, but that has made you afraid to consider sex because then it turns your feelings into a fetish and that would make them right about you. Let yourself acknowledge that they are the ones being creepy and perverted here, what with them sexualizing you and demanding details on your sex life.
 

[CanadianBird]

4 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I think what you should start by doing is trying to come to terms with sexuality- Not necessarily your sexuality, just sexuality in general. The concept of sex and sexual desire. 

I agree with this!

I've had issues before where I didn't want to identify as anything other than asexual in addition to aromantic, because I thought that experiencing physical attraction to others (without romantic ones) would mean I was part of a group who objectify others. Being able to say that I was asexual was my "safety net" if anyone would start to spew hate about other queer folk. I really did not want to be associated or grouped with that crowd, so to appear 'cleaner' I began to use the label since I was technically on the spectrum. But that's not true! Sex isn't bad. It's totally okay to feel sexually attracted to someone/something even without romantic feelings!

A great place to start is becoming comfortable with the idea of sexual desire. It isn't dirty and it isn't something to be ashamed of. Some people don't experience it, but some people do. It is more than okay to be a part of the group that does experience it. It does not make you any less valid :)

 

Edited June 24, 2023 by cerimonials

[HelloThere]

6 hours ago, cerimonials said:

I agree with this!

I've had issues before where I didn't want to identify as anything other than asexual in addition to aromantic, because I thought that experiencing physical attraction to others (without romantic ones) would mean I was part of a group who objectify others. Being able to say that I was asexual was my "safety net" if anyone would start to spew hate about other queer folk. I really did not want to be associated or grouped with that crowd, so to appear 'cleaner' I began to use the label since I was technically on the spectrum. But that's not true! Sex isn't bad. It's totally okay to feel sexually attracted to someone/something even without romantic feelings!

A great place to start is becoming comfortable with the idea of sexual desire. It isn't dirty and it isn't something to be ashamed of. Some people don't experience it, but some people do. It is more than okay to be a part of the group that does experience it. It does not make you any less valid :)

 

I just personally am still at the point where I'm very sure that I'm aegosexual and aro for now, but I just want it to stay that way. I don't want to experience sexual attraction simply because I would love to go through life without it, without being focused on romance, sex, or even dating. I want to live and focus on my family, my close friends, and my career. Those three things are all I really want. I just want to live life without obsessing over someone romantically. I never want to be that way. I mean I'm not disgusted by that in society very much, I'm just really not interested, and I don't want my lack of interest to change because even with how society portrays that, I just don't want it. It's all on a very personal level what I want, I hate even being turned on because it just makes me worry and doubt. I'm well aware that I don't have to be the black stripe ace to be ace, but this stupid part of me is thinking that not being that kind will make me far more likely to not be ace at all and that I'll have to deal with sexual attraction, something I just really don't want any part in.

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

5 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

I just personally am still at the point where I'm very sure that I'm aegosexual and aro for now, but I just want it to stay that way. I don't want to experience sexual attraction simply because I would love to go through life without it, without being focused on romance, sex, or even dating. I want to live and focus on my family, my close friends, and my career. Those three things are all I really want. I just want to live life without obsessing over someone romantically. I never want to be that way. I mean I'm not disgusted by that in society very much, I'm just really not interested, and I don't want my lack of interest to change because even with how society portrays that, I just don't want it. It's all on a very personal level what I want, I hate even being turned on because it just makes me worry and doubt. I'm well aware that I don't have to be the black stripe ace to be ace, but this stupid part of me is thinking that not being that kind will make me far more likely to not be ace at all and that I'll have to deal with sexual attraction, something I just really don't want any part in.

As someone who does experience sexual attraction, it’s… Really not that big a deal. I experience sexual attraction, and here I am, a recent college graduate about to start my career, with plenty of close friends and thriving hobbies. I’m not “obsessed” with sex and it doesn’t interfere with my life; I also have friends who are in romantic relationships, and they’re doing fine too. Interest in something doesn’t mean it’s all you care about. 
Conversely, it’s entirely possible to have other distractions that aren’t related to sex or romance. 

I think you should reflect on why you believe sex and romance to be “obsessions” that get in the way of the rest of life. It’s totally ok to not want to experience them, but I’m not sure you actually understand the reality of how attraction works, and the way you talk about it has roots in harmful stereotypes.

[HelloThere]

1 minute ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

As someone who does experience sexual attraction, it’s… Really not that big a deal. I experience sexual attraction, and here I am, a recent college graduate about to start my career, with plenty of close friends and thriving hobbies. I’m not “obsessed” with sex and it doesn’t interfere with my life; I also have friends who are in romantic relationships, and they’re doing fine too. Interest in something doesn’t mean it’s all you care about. 
Conversely, it’s entirely possible to have other distractions that aren’t related to sex or romance. 

I think you should reflect on why you believe sex and romance to be “obsessions” that get in the way of the rest of life. It’s totally ok to not want to experience them, but I’m not sure you actually understand the reality of how attraction works, and the way you talk about it has roots in harmful stereotypes.

Yeah, you're right and it's definitely not a good idea to try and cling to any one label or hide from sexual attraction.