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If there's a god he owes me something


ProbablyHuman

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The title's a bit dramatic but there have been times where I've honestly felt that way.

I'm lonely, friendless, and have been for a long time. Roughly a year at this point. When I was in primary school, I thought I had friends. I was fucking wrong, you've heard the story before. Fake friends, talked about me behind my back, etc, you know how it goes. This went on for a few years before I figured it out. Never was that bright, not back then anyway. I went to the local primary school in the village I live in. The school itself wasn't that small, but my group/class/grade/whatever was. 8 boys, including me,and 2 girls for I think 3 years before another girl joined the class. I was actually friends with 2 boys for a while, but that kind of faded, it's not relevent anyway. The rest of the boys, however, were the fake friends. It took me a while to realise. I think the point when I really understood the gravity of the situation, when I felt truly betrayed for the first time, was the worst day of my life (so far). I, being the frankly retarded kid I was back then, told a joke that was a bit too edgy for everyone, and they wouldn't let it go. As soon as I had told the aforementioned joke, before anyone even reacted, I knew it was too far. And they kind of tore into me for it, the entire damn class. And though I insisted it was a joke I hadn't thought through, and I hadn't meant it, they refused to listen. Like talking to a brick wall. Except the brick wall is beating you with a crowbar telling you that you're a terrible person. 

I felt horrible for the rest of the school year. Thankfully this was in 6th class, which is the final one before secondary school in the Irish system, so I thought this whole shitshow would blow over in secondary school and I'd get a fresh start.

So I thought.

"""Luckily""" for me, I was going to the same school as the boys in my class were. And """luckily""" for me, they were friends with other people in the school, who ended up being in my class/group/whatever. And they had been talking about me to these people. And these people talked about me to other people, and, well, it just kept spreading.

So now I'm in 1st year of secondary school, and I don't have the honor, the gift, of being a nobody. Instead, it seems like all of 1st year knows who I am (or thinks they do). Random people call my name out in the hallways, my full name, for no reason. People mess with me, such as when I was eating my lunch and some shiteater snuck up behind me, talked loudly into my ear and ran off. I don't know what people know about me, what they think they know. It's horrible. It's been happening since the beginning of the school year which is near the beginning of 2023. I don't even have any friends to support me. Sure, I've got family, but it's really not the same at all.

I'm so sick of it all. I feel like, sometimes, god doesn't like me. And you know what? I don't like him either, if he even exists.

 

 

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Look at it this way.

People teasing you isn't God's problem.  That's the person's problem.  They are teasing you because something is going on in their life, and they don't know how else to cope.  Trust me.  I hate to admit this, but I used to make jokes at other people's expense.  And it was all because I was going through major s--t myself.

That said, people have free will.  People can choose to do bad things, or not.  People can choose to be kind, or not.  It sounds like the people around you are making the wrong choices.  And I am very sorry.

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10 minutes ago, alto said:

Look at it this way.

People teasing you isn't God's problem.  That's the person's problem.  They are teasing you because something is going on in their life, and they don't know how else to cope.  Trust me.  I hate to admit this, but I used to make jokes at other people's expense.  And it was all because I was going through major s--t myself.

That said, people have free will.  People can choose to do bad things, or not.  People can choose to be kind, or not.  It sounds like the people around you are making the wrong choices.  And I am very sorry.

Yes, people are the ones that make choices. Some people make good choices, some make bad ones. I, just as alto did, made some jokes at others expense in the past. My head still rings with the MANY homophobic slurs I used, not even knowing what gay people were. I get you, I’ve felt at least some semblance of what you’re feeling, though not nearly as much. But don’t blame god for this, because in general blame never helped anyone. I don’t have any magic solution or fix for jerks at school but I can at the very least say that I’m sorry you’re going through that.

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  • 1 month later...

Just some words of support - that sounds like a rotten situation. Ireland is notoriously tricky for having the same people, in the same areas, going to the same schools, and it can be a blessing or a curse. 1st year is notoriously difficult, especially with people often being nasty gossips (I've heard of similar bullying situations to yours happening before in that year). However, there are loads of options open to ya. Firstly, maybe try talking about it with some adults that you trust. They might be able to talk some sense into people and/or offer some support. Transfering class might help, or if things are still really hard, transfering school, but hopefully it doesnt come to that. Remember that those who are quiet or in other gangs may be open to friendship but too shy to initiate. But regardless of all this, do not try to go it alone. There are loads of people you can talk to about it and loads of things you can try to make things better. People will change over time but I would reach out for support now. Speaking of reach out, Reach Out the organisation I've heard is good, and I know Jigsaw is fantastic as well. Take a deep breath, confide in people you trust and remember TY isn't that far away. I am being literally the embodiment of an Irish mammy right now but I'm thinking of ya and I promise it gets so much better out in the world. And there are good people somewhere around ya, it just might take a while to get to know them. I don't know what else to say but keep in touch and make sure u mind yourself, ya hear me? You're important and valuable and I can't wait to see you shine and enjoy yourself when the situation gets resolved. They're vicious eejits, but they're eejits, and remember you're the smart one not engaging in that kind of childish behaviour. Remember to talk to the fam too. All the best.

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