New definitions and/or word for "queerplatonic"?

[lotusflower]

I was discussing the meaning of queerplatonic, and some people told me they thought the word "queerplatonic" was unhelpful. They had the following reasoning: it doesnt necessarily include queer people and it may not resemble a platonic relationship fully.

So I had the following thoughts, doesnt queer mean "odd and unusual"? The adjective queer, is a description of the relationship you have. That makes sense as a QPR is described as: a nonsexual and nonromantic relationship (no sexual/romantic intentions), but the acitivities done would still go beyond whats considered a friendship, which could be considered unsual. So hence why, a queer platonic relationship.

However, after I shared my thoughts, they told me this definition is no longer used as it can be considered a slur. I was unaware of the fact some people consider it to be a slur, so my bad. But, what other word and/or definition could be used for it instead? The "it should only be used by queer people" is new to me. 

The adjective describing ur relationship isnt a descriptor of ur feelings, its a descriptor of the type of relationship you have yk. For instance, you can like someone platonically and have a qpr, you can like someone alterously and have a qpr, you can even like someone romantically and have a qpr (the latter would be me, im greyaro so I have experienced romo attraction before, however, im still romance aversed so I would never want have actual romance in my relationship).The same way some aro's (cupioromantics specifically) could have a romantic relationship even if they dont experience romantic attraction. 

Edit (some extra writing): so I dont understand why gender/orientation would be taken into account when using queerplatonic as a description of ur relationship. 

So yeah, im kinda confused right now, so could someone clear this up for me? Thanks!

Edited March 11, 2023 by lotusflower

[Apex]

It's true that the "queer" in queerplatonic refers to the nature of the relationship rather than the identities of the people in it. And while some people consider queer to be a slur, a lot of others have reclaimed it and dislike the notion that queer is inherently a slur or that it should be censored. Personally I would describe myself as queer but I understand why others don't like the word; it's just a divisive topic.

"Quasiplatonic" is an alternative for those who don't want to use "queer" for one reason or another. But I don't think that this should replace queerplatonic (or at least, I don't have strong feelings one way or another). The "only lgbtqa+ people can use 'queer'" argument comes from how the word has been used to hurt lgbtqa+ people, however in this case I think it's fine if cis-het-allo call their relationships queerplatonic. I think it's important to bring more awareness to these types of relationships overall. Some of the earliest definitions of queerplatonic that I remember reading specifically stated that you don't have to be queer to be in one.

Edited March 11, 2023 by Apex

[rob]

I like to define queerplatonic relationships as atypical committed relationships often (but not always) rooted in platonic feelings rather than romantic ones. I find this definition to be the best because it's very broad, and it acknowledges the original definitions of queerplatonic relationships as being rooted in platonic feelings while also being aware of the diversity of people actually using the term. In this context I see queer as not referring to the necessity of queer people themselves in the relationship, but to the nature of the relationship itself as being queer 

[nonmerci]

I don't think queerplatonic refers to queer people and it would be very weird to use it that way. The word and concept are quasi unknown outside of a-spec communities, but if it changes in the future, I won't be surprised if some straight person realizes they are in a QPR with someone else, straight or not. It would be weird to say "don't use the word queerplatonic relationship even if you are in one". Also, imagine if an aro for instance is in a QPR with a straight person : one could say it is a QPR but not the other, that makes no sense.

I can understand people finding the term problematic, but in this case, they just should create a new term to replace QPR, that everybody can use.

Edited March 13, 2023 by nonmerci

[hemogoblin]

What you heard was misinformed at best and a dogwhistle for ace exclusionism/TERFism/queerphobia at worst. (Of which, there's lots of evidence that TERFs use ace exclusionism and anti-queer arguments to help radicalize people to their full on fascism.)

In no particular order:

1. All our terms are reclaimed slurs. This is THE silliest argument meant to tear us apart.
2. The fashies don't like queer explicitly BECAUSE it is so inclusive and vague. They want to be able to pinpoint target us one by one and pit us against each other. When we go by queer, we take that power away from them. Then they have to attack one larger, homogeneous group instead of being able to snipe off smaller groups (like they are now, targeting drag performers and trans kids in order to get at trans people in order to erode away other rights like marriage equality, job protections, etc.).
3. Nobody gets to gatekeep who uses what terms.
4. Queer is our term. It is queer history. It is queer people who fought for what rights we earned. "LGBT+" is the new acronym that contributed to the community splitting apart and breaking and becoming weaker in the fight for equal rights. (And please note I'm not saying that we can't have our individual terms, but watering ourselves down to "LGBT+" was also a separationist move that benefited white supremacy, which queerphobia is tied up in.)
5. "Queerplatonic" is called queerplatonic because it is a queering of platonic (in the sense, at least, that they aren't romantic) relationships as understood by society. Not because it's a platonic relationship queer people have. =|
6. We've had this argument before and exclusionists tried to get us to switch to "quasiplatonic". It just doesn't have quiet the same meaning and never caught on.
7. Queer does mean odd, unusual, etc. What's wrong with that? I AM weird, and I'm proud of that. Why do people have to be "normal"? What a limited world view.
8. We've reclaimed queer. Queer is not a bad word. Yes, cisallohet people can call us queer. I am queer, I want them to refer to me as such. No, they shouldn't use it derogatorily, but hell, the "queer is a slur" crowd LOVES to ignore that millennials (and maybe gen Z and gen alpha??? I'm not sure, sorry I'm old D: but likely ALSO many gen X at least as well) grew up with gay being used as a slur. Hasn't stopped them from labeling everything as gay. Gay marriage. Gay rights. Gay pride. We deal with that. The only reason they don't want to deal with queer is because they're not looking for all of us to be equal. They want to have power over some of us because they want power and if throwing the rest of us under the bus is the way to get it, they'll do it.
9. Queerplatonic relationships are for anybody, including those who aren't queer.
10. Queerplatonic has been the established term for a while now. It's not going away. If someone doesn't like the term, they're not forced to use it for themselves. But again, they don't get to gatekeep what the rest of us use.

Edited March 11, 2023 by hemogoblin