Jump to content

lotusflower

Member
  • Posts

    12
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by lotusflower

  1. Hello yall. Ive been thinking abt my romantic attractions again. So i settled for the greyaro and aegoromantic label but im not sure if im greyaro. Cus yeah, i liked to fantasize abt my "crush" being romantic with a vague 'someone' but it never involved me and once it did, it felt repulsive. But my aego has been aego-ing recently so i really like to fantize abt fictional couples being romantic. And im really sure im not romantically attracted to any of these fictional characters even tho i like them seeing having romantic interactions, cus i lack the following feelings for them ive written down below. So if we ignore this whole fantasy things would: "I find this person to be very important to me and you could say theyre my favourite person. Id like these feelings to be reciprocated. I feel a longing to spend time with them, think abt them alot and want to have an emotional connection. Maybe we could live together as roommates when were older" sound as romantic attraction? I dont experience platonic attraction very often either. Guess im only aware of 2 platonic attractions, maybe 3. But this experience is the most intense attraction ive ever experienced. Is that what ppl mean when ppl say romantic attraction is just different from platonic attraction?
  2. Hi, so I ID as greyromantic, however I'd like to gain more insight abt my romantic orientation for myself. All I know is that I have had some sort of aego-romantic attraction. When having romantic fantasies, I was never able to my actual self in the scenario with my crush. I always choose some girls from TV to replace me. Not sure if this means I was actually not romantically attracted to him (alterously instead), or if I was romantically attracted to him, but couldnt picture myself as a girl in a relationship with him (im nonbinary so maybe that was an early sign of dysphoria) But idk if I might be demiromantic too. So im in my late teens, and have only had one crush, the aego crush. So, im a-spec for all attractions. When I first met him, I def was attracted to him *in some way*. As I still ID-ed as a girl back then, I thought it had to be a crush, as he was a boy. It happend somewhat 4 years ago so I dont know all the details. Basically, my mental health was quite bad back then. He was basically the only person who knew abt it, and helped me alot with it. Which caused me to develop an emotional connection with him. Thing is, idk if the connection was already the crush, or if the emotional connection simply caused the crush. I think it may have started with alterous feelings, as I wanted to be important to him from the start (as, at that time, he was my first genuine attraction). However, I think I only started to have "obvious" romantic aego fantasies after having known him for some months. Before that, my fantasies were quite ambigious? Not quite platonic, however not the exact vibe my romantic ones at some point had. Idk maybe I understand the term "infatuation" wrongly, but I feel like I didnt experience it. But hm, like i dont think it was too long after we met that he was like "omg youre so cool, you could be a potential person who I could live together with" and i was really happy. Idk if this was bcoz i was infatuated, or bcoz someone was finally kind to me and my situation at home sucked so that idea sounded good. I wasnt thinking abt our "future wedding" or anything, just glad to hear i was abt to be important to someone. I wasnt really like "OmG YES ID WANNE HAVE A RELTIONSHiP RN AND I CANT WAIT TO GET MARRIED AHH". But maybe none experiences the latter lol. Basically what im trying to say is that, lookining back, I may not have not experienced primary romantic attraction (so skipping the infatuation phase and instead the romantic attraction developing over time). So, could this fall under the demiromantic experience? If you're demiromantic, what is your experience?
  3. I was discussing the meaning of queerplatonic, and some people told me they thought the word "queerplatonic" was unhelpful. They had the following reasoning: it doesnt necessarily include queer people and it may not resemble a platonic relationship fully. So I had the following thoughts, doesnt queer mean "odd and unusual"? The adjective queer, is a description of the relationship you have. That makes sense as a QPR is described as: a nonsexual and nonromantic relationship (no sexual/romantic intentions), but the acitivities done would still go beyond whats considered a friendship, which could be considered unsual. So hence why, a queer platonic relationship. However, after I shared my thoughts, they told me this definition is no longer used as it can be considered a slur. I was unaware of the fact some people consider it to be a slur, so my bad. But, what other word and/or definition could be used for it instead? The "it should only be used by queer people" is new to me. The adjective describing ur relationship isnt a descriptor of ur feelings, its a descriptor of the type of relationship you have yk. For instance, you can like someone platonically and have a qpr, you can like someone alterously and have a qpr, you can even like someone romantically and have a qpr (the latter would be me, im greyaro so I have experienced romo attraction before, however, im still romance aversed so I would never want have actual romance in my relationship).The same way some aro's (cupioromantics specifically) could have a romantic relationship even if they dont experience romantic attraction. Edit (some extra writing): so I dont understand why gender/orientation would be taken into account when using queerplatonic as a description of ur relationship. So yeah, im kinda confused right now, so could someone clear this up for me? Thanks!
  4. If there is nothing romantic about the pull you're feeling towards them (they arent romantically interesting for you), then it's not romantic attraction. Attraction is abt how you're drawn to people, not your physical reponse to them.
  5. I cant tell if im greyromantic or aromantic w/ alterous attraction. I basically wanted to be their #1 fav person, but not in a romantic way, I guess. Looking back, a QPR would have been better. But I did had romantic fantasies abt them, but I always changed the appearance of "me" into the appearance of a character I knew on TV. As well w/ my "crush's" appearance. When I actually imagined myself and them, it became really repulsive even in just a "in theory" setting. It felt wrong. I just couldnt picture it anymore. All the activities became strictly platonic. I also didnt experienced sensual/aesthetic or sexual attraction towards them. I only knew them online and I guess that made it easier to develop this type of attraction as I never had to worry abt becoming a real thing because 1) I wouldnt be able to date them IRL 2) they didnt liked me back. So yea, the moment is became too realistic, it felt weird. Is this some weird aegoromantic attraction (not being able to picture my actual self in the fantasy while it still being romo attraction) or just alterous?
  6. Im pretty sure I have had one crush and I had my "squish" during the same time period, but they honestly felt so different (Waaaaaaay less intense and surfaced leveled??). Whenever I saw my squish, I really wanted to talk to them, and thats honestly all I have to say abt them lol. Like yea, I wanted to talk to them and I'd make up excuses/go out of my way to talk to them. I think this is just aesthetic attraction but sometimes I'd just stare at them, but not in a dreamy way or something, just really paying attention to what they were doing (dunno if it makes sense, but not really looking at *them*, just to what *they were doing*??) I've heard that ppl stare at their crushes too, but I've heard they zone out or something and that they are really focuses on how the person looks like. Example: a friend of mine had a crush on someone and they said the following "omg look at [insert same] look how cute they look like when they're writing in his notebook" While for me it was pretty much like " oh cool they're playing footbal, let's see what they will do with the ball " I dont remember my physical reponses too well, but I do remember feeling really happy when I got the chance to talk with them,, but butterflies/nervousness?? I dont think so/I dont remember it. This is why I think its a squish, rather than a crush: I hardly ever thought of them when they werent with me and I never thought of idk, chatting them or something because I was already satisfied with the interactions we had in school. I never daydreamed about them either about "possible interactions" we could have. Like I said I had a crush and this "squish" at the same time. Like with a crush I could imagine us being a "couple" (only in theory but, still) but with this squish, I couldnt even picture it, my mind was just -blank- when I tried to imagine it and it felt super forced. Also, when we both went to other schools (means I wouldnt see them anymore), I honestly didnt care, maybe I did a teeny tiny bit, but not enough for me to remember it. But I didnt necessarely wanted to be friends either, there was pretty much no desire for a bond I think? The only reason why I considered to be a "crush" at some point was because I wanted to look cool, by proving ppl I could develop crushes as well. And calling it genuinely a crush feels pretty weird. Like there was this teenage show abt ppl who were at my age that time, basically teenage drama with crushes. I never crossed the point were I thought like "yess I relate to this crush story cuz it reminds of what I'm feeling towards them!" I just wanted to have conversations with no underlying romantic intensions. But I just want to be sure, so, do you guys think this was a squish too?
  7. Thank you for the link of the website, I'll definitely take a look on it! The thing is, I hate uncertainty so that's why I always feel the need to label things aha, but I think you're right and I'll follow your advice. So, thankyou :) Thank you for your response, it is really helpful :) Also thank you for saying "and don't feel like you're a "fake" if you end up picking another label" cuz Im in fact kinda scared that ppl will think that if I'd change labels, so thankyou for telling me that im not, gives me a bit more confidence!
  8. Hi, im kinda lost in all the labels that fall under the aro-spec so maybe you guys could read this to help me a bit. - I'm in my mid teens and I've only experienced one crush so far. But when my peers are talking about crushes they all seem to already have had several ones, which left me a bit confused. (That's why I feel like greyromantic fits be, because I experience it pretty infrequent compared to others + some other reasons but they aren't worth mentioning I guess) - so talking abt that crush: I felt drawn to them, wanted to talk with them ALOT, spend time with them, to be around them, thinking about them, but in reality, I never wanted to do anything "romantic" it's just, idk, not made for me I guess! But the feeling they gave me was just, so comfortable and happy/excitement. Like, I actually could be myself without having to be afraid that they'd judge me! - At some point, they even said that they wanted to live together with me when we would be both adults, that seemed quite cool to me, I was happy that someone finally saw me as such an option because they would mean they really cared about me and saw my as important, but I never thought about the romantic aspects (Like, that we should go on dates, kissing, hugs, "I love you" 's) I think I actually imagined a QPR. But later on that conversation, he said he didn't liked me, as far as I can remember, I was quite relieved as well. Because when he said that, I was already making these excuses to make sure I wouldn't get into a relationship like "yeah you live in another city, wouldn't work out" "yeah my parents don't allow me to date" (they would allow it lol) "we only know each other via internet so wouldn't work" knowing pretty well it *could* work, just not for me cuz I absolutely didn't wanted a relationship even though I still liked them (but at that time, I'm not sure if it already turned into romantic feelings, talking about that topic was mainly because of curiosity as well) like in theory, yea maybe nice food for thought, but in reality, no thanks I'll pass. - during the time we were friends, they have had several girlfriends (from time to time)and I was always afraid that I was second choice the moment they started a new relationship. Especially when they were talking abt the fact how much happier their girlfriends made them feel. - at first I was jealous but they broke up quite soon after each relationship (cuz most ppl see romantic relationships as "more important") so I didn't saw it as anything important anymore, I was happy for them, and happy to help them get a girlfriend. I just wanted to be important to them yk. But still, I feel like there was always some sort of "competition" feeling when they had a girlfriend, like: I WANT TO BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR GF AND NOT BE SOME SECOND CHOICE" but I never really outted it. And tbh, I was always relieved when they broke up, means I can claim the #1 rank " favourite person" as before they got a girlfriend But they said they'd never like my in a romantic way, and still I felt kinda upset. I didn't wanted to be their partner but still this gave me the kinda "oh.." feeling, not anything sad but, just some sort of "oh.." cuz I'd never be as important as their partner. - I never felt nervous thinking about them, near them or talking to them (well, they were my online friend so I couldn't be actually near them, but the times we called each other, everything felt just, normal?) But once we chatted, everything was just that happy feeling again. (Maybe a less intense crush??) - however, this is why I think it's romantic, I actually had these romantic fantasies but there was something off about it. When I was fantasizing these things, the two of us was actually never "us". They were always looking different, appearance wise. Especially me, like I'd change my whole appearance in these fantasies so that it wouldn't look like me in any way. For my crush: they were actually faceless the whole time. The time I actually tried to imagine the real us, it felt so weird/unnatural/forced (Maybe that's aegoromantic??) - Once, we wanted to prank someone by pretending we had an relationship. That was an absolute no no, it just felt so wrong. Also, they also accidentally used red heart emojis to me (which was in their opinion romantic) so I was kinda being like "UUUHM HOLD ON WHAT IS THIS?? YOU'RE DOING THIS WRONG??!!" (But that's maybe lithromantic?? But that doesn't add up to me reaction when they said they'd never like me romantically, right? Although I actually didn't wanted it he be returned as in, I confessed to them because things were so confusing and well I wanted to explain my frustrations cuz of these emotions, but at the end of the text I was literally like "but I absolutely don't want to do anything with it, and I don't want you to like me" - I actually never really saw them as my "crush" I'd rather call them my best friend. Calling them my crush just feels a bit icky (maybe romance averse) - I wasn't sensually, sexually (I'm asexual) or aesthetically attracted to them. When most ppl talk about their crush, they can't stop talking about how pretty they are and how badly they want to hug or kiss that said person. I just cannot relate to any of that- its quite difficult for me to make actual emotional connections with people, but with them, it just came off so naturally. So maybe they were my first best friend or well, how I label it now, my first time experiencing romantic attraction. But I feel like I'd really need an emotion connection first to ever like someone. Like, love at first sight seems so, unnatural to me, atleast in the way how it's portrayed in movies. But I can't say I was friends with them for a long time and THEN experiencing this, cuz this happend like 3 years ago and lasted like 1,5 years, so I cannot really remember the details. (So demi *could* maybe fit me, but I need to do some research anyway about primary Vs secondary attraction) - also, maybe worth mentioning. I was quite insecure about myself so maybe that's the reason why is was so busy with thinking about "I must be the most important" cuz I've heard that insecurity can cause a person to feel more attached to someone. Sooo, that was all I had to tell. (Sorry for the whole wall of text, thankyou if you've read all of it) But yea, what label would you guys give me based on this and/or would you guys say this is romantic attraction or something else?
  9. Hello y'all! I've come to the conclusion that I'm either greyro-ace (greyromantic asexual) or aro-ace. I (think?) That I've had one sort of less intense crush so far (idk if it's needed but I've described it in one of my other written topics) but it could also be queer platonic crush (or an alterous one but that term isn't that known yet/or not really accepted) I'm still not entirely sure whatever it was so, what IF it was in fact a crush, could I still identify as just aroace? Because, I've heard that it's an umbrella term for both aro-spec&ace-spec (see picture from https://www.lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Aroace ) but idk, I don't want to invalide people who are stricty aromantic (as in the people on the "no attraction" part of the spectrum) by using the aroace label + flag, because I've heard some "strictly" aroace saying that it made them uncomfortable. But, I personally feel more comfortable with using the term aroace (ofcourse, I can always elaborate my identity when it's relevant, but it's easier to say that you're just aroace) So could some you guys perhaps share your opinion on this? Like I said, I don't want to invalide anyone! I could've asked this on AVEN as well, but because I'm more struggling with the aro part, I thought I'd be better to put it on this forum
  10. Hello y'all! So.. im questioning whether I'm aro or not, I already consider myself as grey-ro and asexual but now, im starting to question if I actually felt romantic attraction, so I tried to describe it in the best possible, it was around 4 years ago that this happend so I cannot really tell what I exactly felt, but this is what I know. So I met this guy online, and we've never met each other in real life, and it would be kinda impossible to do so. *I felt very comfortable with him and really had the feeling that I could be myself and that he wouldn't judge me. *Sometimes while chatting I did get a warm feeling in my stomach but I never felt nervous, which should be called butterflies in the stomach (people who have a crush do experience that...?) But I did thought/daydream about them regularly *He had promised me in the beginning that he might want to be together with me. That sounded cool, I mean, there was finally someone who really appreciated me and I was finally important to someone, and he was my first real friend as well. Only I didn't really thought about the romantic aspects of it when he said that... so it was a pretty innocent thought ( I had no idea what a "romantic relationship" would actually look like) now that I think back, I actually think that my version of a romantic relationship was something like a QPR. *When he got a girlfriend I was a bit disappointed, not necessarily jealous because I didn't want to be his girlfriend with all that romantic stuff and those expectations, but he said he wanted to be with me (see paragraph thingy above)but if he got a girlfriend that wouldn't happen. I was a lil sad about that however, it didn't affect me too much... Didn't lie awake worrying about it etc, didn't cried about it... Just an in the moment "oh😕" also because of the fact that I wasn't the most important to him anymore, well he was to me my best friends and only friend at that time, so he was quite important to me. I mean, people consider romantic relationships as more important than friendships, so that's why I had that feeling. Also later on, he told me that he'd never experience something romantic for me.. again I was like "oh😕" but after some self reflection, it was only because I was upset because of the fact that I would never be as important as her and that I'd always stay on the second place. But is that still a sign of romantic attraction? *But I did enjoy helping him date. I gave him tips on how to ask her out and what not to do. Was really fun to do. So at some point I saw her reactions under his insta posts "you're my baby boy 🥰🥰" and I was literally in shock?? Like, those are actual emotions when you have a crush?? * When he said he had his first kiss with his girlfriend, I was like "oh so if I have a crush, I must like the idea of kissing him" so I imagined it, only it was almost automatically someone else who was with him in my fantasy... the "me" had a completely different appearance compared to me and the fantasy was never detailed. I would watch it from the third person and if there was a kissing scene (with a kissing scene I basically mean how parents kiss their parent, so nothing weird yk), I would watch from a distance and there would be a kind of shadow so that the two characters were black and you couldn't see what was happening. I had a weird feeling in my stomach so I guess it sort of was "nice??" But when I really thought of him with the actual me in the fantasy... sorry but I couldn't imagine anything else than us being besties... and a kiss scene? Like no, we are just friends * Sometimes we videocalled, sometimes he would bring up his girlfriend and I could sound happy without any effort or forcing it. I was totally cool with it. I didn't felt any butterflies or something during the videocalls just enjoyed his presence and I felt like that I really could be me! So I feel like I only "liked" the online version of him rather than him as a whole *At some point we pranked some people and he told me that I'd be funny to pretend that we were a couple. But the idea made me feel like: "no.. lets not.. that's kinda weird, this makes me quite uncomfortable" also, at some point he "confessed" to me and I wasn't happy at all, I was pretty much like " UUUHM, YOU'RE DOING THIS WRONG, I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, WE ARE JUST FRIENDS " Gladly, he told me it was an accident and it was meant for his girlfriend. At first, I think I sort of desired reciprocation, not of romantic feelings tho, I just wanted to hear that I was the most important to him And things weren't going well at that time.. I was quite insecure and a bit lonely so maybe that also influenced some emotions?? I mean, like I said, he was the first person who I really considered as my best friend so idk, maybe I don't have enough experience to know whether this was just a best friend experience or a crush one. So would to guys consider this as romantic attraction? (Sorry about the fact that this story is so long, but I wanted it to be as detailed as possible so that it perhaps would be easier to tell whether I felt romantic attraction or not)
×
×
  • Create New...