Sexism and stereotypes against aro-spec women make me depressed

[Themathlover]

Hello everyone !

I'm writing today as a recently come in quoiromantic heterosexual cis girl. I'm just 15 yo but this is what I fit in at the moment. I'm gonna shortly clear up what it encompasses for me so that you better understand my problem.

I think you all know that quoiromantic is an umbrella term referring to a vast range of feelings concerning romantic/aromantic attraction, including :

  -Having difficulty distinguishing romantic interest from other types of interest, such as platonic or sexual

  -Questioning romanticism and not understanding how it's supposed to feel, to the point that the process of questioning feels more "right" than any specific romantic/aromantic orientation

  -Finding the idea of romance inaccessible, complicated or nonsensical

  -Not being sure whether or not you experience romantic attraction

  -Being unable to comprehend romantic attraction as a feeling or a concept

All of these definitions of quoiromanticism describe me perfectly, and after a few days of introspection and questioning, If can now say I identify with it. I you want to learn more about my thoughts on it, right there is a link to another discussion I had when I didn't have this account yet : 

Now, let's dive in my issue.

As you've probably guessed from the title, it's about sexism and stereotypes, a very common thing, right =) ? The thing is I've been struggling with my identity for a long time, because I didn't rely on what was considered universal about boys and girls, and finding, or at least, better comprehending my identity, especially when I came in as quoiromantic, made me entirely break away from this and feel incredibly free and most importantly me, regardless of the normative expectations others have. I have to emphasize that discovering a whole organized community of persons who experience similar feelings as me is reassuring and comforting. I'm feeling valid, normal and human. I typed "human" in bold because it's completely genderless, and you'll understand later in my post this choice. A few months ago, I began to reflect on sexism and stereotypes. The process had started before, around 12, but wasn't really effective until 13 and a half-14. I realized at this period that there were forms of sexism among my peers. It was hard to cope with it, and I decided to try having conversations with them about it as I felt too neglected and affected by it. To be more precise, it was mainly about sexuality / asexuality and romance / aromanticism. I must warn you that I have NOTHING, but absolutely nothing, against ace-spec people, but I consider that assuming that someone is asexual, exactly like assuming that someone is on the sexual spectrum, heterosexual or anything else normative and stereotyped, can be very painful to this person. I lived it myself, and still do, so I do know how challenging it can be to have to put up with such situations. It's important to say this before I explain my problem, since certain ace-spec people could feel offended / left out with what I'm going to write.

With that said, my parents assumed that all women were less sexual beings "by nature", that they were more emotional and therefore, that women lacking emotional connections to others and/or being confident with their sexual desires were "sick". As a quoiromantic and alloheterosexual girl, of course, seeing my own family, my friends, the Internet and the whole world agreeing on this and even providing "scientific evidences" to prove it mentally impacted me. I think it's particularly discriminatory against loveless aro women, but every other aro-spec women as well. I fortunately changed my parents' minds, and now, they accept me and everyone as different, even though I've not explicitely come out as quoiromantic yet for personal reasons. It was tough because I had to confess some things about my identity I didn't want them to know, or at least, felt compelled to do so, but this makes me feel way better within my family now. Being honest with them and talking about what bothers me with them makes the relation more authentic. However, I didn't change the mind of every other persons, we're 8 billion across the Earth and, according to my estimations, I wouldn't have time in my life to go turning all of these humans into less sexist creatures. Additionally,  nowadays, the Internet is a requirement for school and most jobs, therefore, while using it, even for educative purpose, I frequently come across depressing contents about what has messed my life up : sexism, stereotypes, neurosexism, hate... Even though I try to avoid them. I've never cried as much as I do now before. I switch from an emotion to another simply by hearing someone telling something sexist, thinking of how many sexist things I've seen/heard/faced, I am also incredibly angry, I've never happened to be like this before. I used to be such a calm and maybe a bit cold person, stable in my emotions, but now, there's a constant rush of feelings in me. Most of the time, it's just sadness, hopelessness and depression, like a void, but anger tends to increase. I just can't stand this stuff anymore. All I want is to be recognized as a human, a whole particular person, with its own life, own orientations, own desires, and not put down and endlessly labeled with contradictory sexist ideas by others just because I was born in a woman's body. Nothing more. Why is it so hard to certain people to be like this ?

Does anyone else feel the same as me ?

Thank you for your responses !

 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Themathlover

[Holmbo]

I'm sorry you're having to experience this! I don't suffer much from sexism myself but I certainly have many things which makes me angry. Have you looked into getting therapy? It helps us handle crappy things that happen. I'm seeing a psychotherapist ATM and before I did some CBT. 

[Themathlover]

Thanks for responding, I thought no one would ever !

To answer your question, actually, no, I'm not seeing a therapist, but I am looking forward in it, as I'm feeling really lonely and most importantly, lost. But this would mean talking about this to my parents, as I'm a minor and would need their permission for such a thing. I'm not feeling really comfortable with having to give away so much about me to them currently, it's really touchy and would involve intimate reveals to them, not just about sexuality, but also about just me and what I'm going through, including certain aspects of my past and my feelings I wouldn't appreciate them to access...Even my only friend I have a real bond with doesn't know these things concerning me. It's delicate, definitely not easy. If you have any recommendation, I'd be glad to hear about them.

Thanks again for reading my post and leaving a respond !

[Holmbo]

I understand. Do you have to tell your parents everything? Maybe you could just say you feel upset about the parts they already know. And you don't have to tell the therapist everything either if you don't feel comfortable. I'm thinking a CBT therapist could give you general advice on how to navigate the internet without it being to upsetting for example.

Let me know if you enjoy reading and want any book recommendations about this.

Edited February 22, 2023 by Holmbo

[Themathlover]

4 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Let me know if you enjoy reading and want any book recommendations about this.

I do love reading ! But I'm a 15 year old French girl, maybe the books you could recommend would be written in an advanced English... However, I'd be happy to have the references, perhaps could I find their French translations.

4 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Do you have to tell your parents everything? Maybe you could just say you feel upset about the parts they already know.

This was already done a few months ago, I don't think I have much left to say. They globally know the intellectual and emotional discomfort I experience with the most influent Muslim preachers and precepts. I'm seriously considering giving myself away even more anonymously on Reddit, and get to talk about it to people who are living/lived similar things.

4 hours ago, Holmbo said:

And you don't have to tell the therapist everything either if you don't feel comfortable. I'm thinking a CBT therapist could give you general advice on how to navigate the internet without it being to upsetting for example.

This seems interesting. What does exactly a CBT therapist is abilited to do ? As I said, I'm French, therefore, I've never heard about this in French. On the Internet, CBT is said to mean "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy". Is that it ?

Edited February 22, 2023 by Themathlover

[Holmbo]

@Themathlover

Yes CBT is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I personally really like Tara Bach's book radical acceptance. She has a lot of good exercises for accepting ones emotions. I don't know if they're translated to French though. The author draws a lot from budhism, along with CBT, but she describes how people adapt her meditations depending on their belief system. 

Another good CBT book is Feeling good by David Burns which explains the principles and has some excercises. There's also a more practical version of it called Feeling good handbook. I don't know about the translations for those either.

[Themathlover]

I'll check it, thank you again for your disponibility and thoughtfulness. I really needed that, even through a screen.

[nonmerci]

I don't have recommandation for books, if you want to know more about the French system for mental health, here I am. Say it if you prefer I speak in French if it is not clear enough.

Even if you a minor, you can consult a therapist without your parents knowing, and even without paying. There are CMP (centre médico-psychologique) specialized in teenagers. It is free and if I'm not mistaken, they are not forced to tell your parents. However I would avise to call the one nearer to your home to be sure. There are also les maisons des adolescents, look if there are one where you live.

If you are in public school, there should be a Psy-En in your school (short for psychologue de l'éducation nationale), also known as the "conseiller d'orientation" (because they also help people with this; they all have a psychology degree). If I'm not mistaken, the school don't have to tell your parents if you have a meeting the PSY-EN, except if it is something you do regularly or if they want you to pass tests. At least in the school where I work, students take a date themselves to see her. Usually Psy-EN are not there all days of the week so ask an adult when to see them (the CPE or a teacher you trust for instance). If the Psy-En allowed the option, you can contact them with Pronote.

If there is no Psy-EN (it is unlikely but for instance, in my school, ours is pregnant and no one replaces her), you can also contact the nurse. They are not a therapist but some are great listener, and they can eventually tell you who to contact.

 

In French, CBT is "thérapie cognitivo-comportementale". Usually it is opposed to psychoanalysis. CBT focus more on the search for solution to change your behavior, with exercises to do between meetings. Psychoanalysis is more like the stereotype you see on tv, with the person sharing about their past to get why they are feeling this way now. In French, CBT is less developed than in the US, which may be why you never heard of it, but it is slowly changing. As you mentionned depression, know that CBT has been proven efficient to treat it.

Edited February 24, 2023 by nonmerci

[Themathlover]

@nonmerci, Merci beaucoup de ta réponse. Les conseils que tu me donnes sont intéressants mais je ne sais pas si les psychologues qui interviennent dans les collèges et lycées peuvent faire un suivi complet de l'enfant. Ça m'étonnerait, d'ailleurs. Peut-être nous dirigent-ils vers d'autres psychologues qui travaillent en dehors de l'éducation nationale ? Mais dans ce cas-là, comme tu l'as dit, ils sont sûrement tenus d'en informer les parents, ce que j'aimerais, dans un premier temps du moins, éviter.

P.S : You can speak both in English and in Français !

 

Edited February 25, 2023 by Themathlover

[DeltaAro]

On 2/6/2023 at 9:49 PM, Themathlover said:

whole world agreeing on this and even providing "scientific evidences" to prove it mentally impacted me.

 There is this pipeline:

Scientific study (often questionable) about a statistical effect => delivered without context and over-simplified by science journalists => clueless overgeneralized interpretation by laymen

I mean, statistical difference between genders is one thing. It's just baffling how people then conclude "ALL women are like X".

It shouldn't take a genius to think "maybe it's like with height: it's not like all men are taller than all women".

[nonmerci]

9 hours ago, Themathlover said:

@nonmerci, Merci beaucoup de ta réponse. Les conseils que tu me donnes sont intéressants mais je ne sais pas si les psychologues qui interviennent dans les collèges et lycées peuvent faire un suivi complet de l'enfant. Ça m'étonnerait, d'ailleurs. Peut-être nous dirigent-ils vers d'autres psychologues qui travaillent en dehors de l'éducation nationale ? Mais dans ce cas-là, comme tu l'as dit, ils sont sûrement tenus d'en informer les parents, ce que j'aimerais, dans un premier temps du moins, éviter.

P.S : You can speak both in English and in Français !

 

Il me semble qu'ils peuvent voir régulièrement les élèves mais en effet, il faut vérifier s'ils sont tenus ou non d'en informer tes parents. En tout cas c'est ce que j'ai vu en cherchant mais j'avoue que les infos que j'ai trouvé sont un peu floues. Et je ne peux demander à la psy de mon lycée vu qu'elle est absente jusqu'à la fin de l'année. Après tu peux toujours tenter de voir le psy une fois et il t'expliquera comment il fonctionne.