Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Is it normal to have a racing heartbeat and blush around some person you used to think of as your crush but it wasn't a romantic one and was platonic and how to get rid of that feeling?? I wish I am not just telling myself that it's not a crush and it actually is one. I don't want a relationship or even talk to them but the symptoms are still there and I think about them against my will, it's freaking me out!! When I developed these weird feelings for them I didn't even know their name but it's been a year now and it has only gotten less intense. I will also go to the same school as them but a different grade and I don't want to embarrass myself by blushing around them

Telling them is NOT a chance

Help please! Any advice is appreciated, I want this to end!!!

[Atypique]

I'm not an expert because I don't really have those feelings, but... As long as you don't consider these feelings as romantic, and as long as you don't want to go out with them then it's not a crush ! You're the one that gets to decide what your feelings are. Being excited to be around person doesn't have to be romantic.

[hemogoblin]

Blushing and a racing heartbeat are just physical reactions and can occur in response to physical, emotional, mental, and/or psychological triggers. Which is to say that yes, it's normal. Some people will naturally blush more and experience a racing heart more often (even so to the point where it can be considered a medical condition). Some will natural experience these less. This can happen due to: anxiety, embarrassment, heat (temperature), desire, arousal, passion, fear, shyness, etc. It's very much largely just biological.

So let's break this down into some parts.

Being embarrassed by blushing - blushing is something you're going to experience in your life, and it's largely going to be out of your control. As described above, there's a lot of reasons behind blushing. Blushing can also occur for absolutely no emotional reason whatsoever. Being embarrassed by blushing is understandable, especially given the connotations society prescribes to it, but it's also a bit like being embarrassed that you breathe or blink. I want to suggest that you practice leaning into being embarrassed and learning to laugh it off. Basically: fake it til you make it. Embarrassment is a part of life, and you will experience it. But, I can also confirm from personal experience that it's not going to kill you! It happens to all of us. It will end up fine. Let me tell you some embarrassing things I've lived through and how accepting what happened instead of trying to run away from it or deny it helped me move past it faster.

1 - In high school, I had a chance to go to this science camp for girl scouts hosted at a college. It was a really fun experience. There was like 20 - 30 of us getting to experience sleeping in the dorms and having the opportunity to do some really cool, big science things. We also had quite a bit of free time, though. And one day we were spending this free time outside on the grass. It got around that I was a gymnast, so people asked me to do a flip or something. I said sure, and did a round-off back handspring.

You should know this means I was upside down for a while.

You should know that I was wearing a loose shirt.

You should know that I wasn't wearing a bra.

You should know that some random college dude happened to be walking by at exactly the point my shirt fell down and I flashed everyone.

Everyone was MORTIFIED for me. I was so embarrassed. I'd just flashed a strange older man and like 15 girls. I wanted to go back in time and tuck my shirt in. I wanted to hide my face in my hands until it went away. But I couldn't go back in time and hiding away would only make it a Bigger Thing that people would have to keep talking about because they'd feel the need to comfort me and try to get me to come out of my shell. So I laughed and shrugged and said "eh, it happens".

And you know what? I became a hero to those girls. They couldn't believe how cool I was being over it. Several of them mentioned they'd be crying if it was them. But because I shrugged it off, everyone just accepted it...and moved on. It didn't come up again. We moved on to doing something else. Nobody bothered me over it. It didn't become some nickname for me, though I did garner a reputation for being a badass. We went on with life.

2 - In college, I was going through a lot, and I developed a lot of shame about my body and existence in general. Specifically, I didn't do things like fart or burp in front of anyone. Not roommates. Not family. Not my boyfriend. Well, I was in a major where in order to graduate, we had to take a six week camping class where we were pretty much never alone. We had a couple places where we slept in dorms or hostels, but we also did a lot of camping in tents, including some sites where we lugged around "poop tins" because there weren't bathrooms. You can see that it was inevitable that I probably wasn't going to be able to get away with my "I don't have normal human bodily functions" hang up for a month and a half in constant contact with other people.

Well. I mostly did. Until one day paired up with a friendly classmate, we were eating lunch, and I had to fart SO BAD. I eventually couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't even think to get up and walk off a bit because A) except for bathroom breaks, we were supposed to stay within sight of our partners, and I was too embarrassed to even call for a bathroom break - I always snuck to do it when my partner did it or was distracted with some task we were assigned, and B) I was pretty sure any moving at all would let the fart eek out.

I tried my best for the fart to be silent, but, well, it doesn't really work like that. Of course, instead, I let out the looooooooooooongest, squeakiest fart. Oh my god, I could feel myself going so red. I wanted to bury myself in the sand and die. At first, I even had the thought that I just wouldn't acknowledge it at all and just pretend it hadn't happened if my partner wasn't going to call me out.

But I could see my partner staring at me, and then reason took over, and I realized that ignoring it was kinda rude. So I said, "sorry, excuse me".

And it broke the tension. We laughed, and she gently ribbed me about thinking I was just going to act like it wasn't going to happen.

And that was that. It was over. We moved on. No need to linger on a simple fart. If I hadn't addressed it, then it probably would have become a funny (and embarrassing) story that she told other people instead of laughing about with me. But because I addressed it, we could both just...move on.

My point being is that: people can be kinda mean sometimes. If they pick up that you're insecure or anxious or embarrassed about something, they can tend to dig in. It probably isn't inherently a big deal, but it becomes a big deal. Anxiety feeds the monster and makes it so much bigger than it needs to be. You may even look back on my stories and roll your eyes because "that's not so bad!" And you're right! Those things weren't that bad. What makes them bad is feeding them anxiety and more anxiety and more and more anxiety. For things like this, often you can control the narrative. Because big picture? Blushing isn't a big deal!!!

If it happens, let it. If you're embarrassed, you notice other people are noticing you're embarrassed, you're worried others are paying more attention to it than you - point it out and laugh it off! "Oh wow, I'm so red, that's so funny. Blushing is so weird, isn't it?" And then move on. Let the subject drop. If you act like something isn't really a bother to you, even people who want to bother you will have less of a reason to pick on that thing because the "fun" of the picking is upsetting you. (And I want to be clear this is just for smaller things and friendly teasing! Obviously "just ignore it" is impossible in most bullying situations. I don't want to downplay the seriousness of bullying at all. This is for human nature things, not outright abuse.)

If someone points out you blushing, just own it! "Oh yeah, haha, I do that a lot. It's so annoying!" You don't even have to do it a lot, but now you've owned it instead of making it a thing or becoming defensive about it, which will make people think there's something else going on.

And I know, this is not an easy ask for everyone! I'm fortunate that due to pride, it tends to be my default reaction: to just go with the flow and act like I'm not upset or embarrassed. Not everyone's default reaction is to brush things like this off. But try to practice, if you can, because it can serve you well! You might even just practice some casual responses alone in your room or roleplaying with a trusted friend/family member to make it easier to say if it ever does come up in public!

Getting rid of the feelings - so, unfortunately, I suspect you're in a bit of a self-perpetuating negative cycle here. Feelings pretty naturally pass in people. Many of them tend to be fleeting. But when we try hard not to think about something or we don't want to think about something - well that means it's stuck on our mind and we instead end up thinking about the thing a lot. In trying to avoid it, we end up having to face it even more. I would hazard a guess that these feelings have upset/bothered/confused you and so the more you try not to have them, the harder it is to get rid of them because they just keep cropping up.

You might try practicing radical acceptance instead (see link for more explanation/help!). This does not mean leaning into your feelings and confessing them. It means accepting "I have Feelings for this person, and that's upsetting me. I cannot control my feelings, so I'm going to take some time to accept that I have them and not beat myself up for them." If you can accept the feelings rather than fight them, they will likely naturally pass on their own with some more time. To aid this, you might give yourself plenty of other things to focus on rather than ruminating on these feelings and this person. Study/work hard. Pick a new skill to learn. Work in at least one hour of creative time a day. Go for walks. Spend more time with friends. Write letters to people you haven't spoken with in a while. Volunteer. Foster some new experiences, and you'll have other things to be thinking about rather than being stuck on this!

Alternatively, you can try some mindful correction. Again, you are going to notice your thoughts without judgement for having them. But in this technique, you are going to notice when these feelings crop you. You are going to stop to acknowledge them. And you are going to gently correct them in the direction you want. So, you notice yourself daydreaming about this person. You stop the daydream and take a deep breath. You acknowledge the feelings without judgement. "I'm ruminating about [person] again." You gently correct the feelings to your desired ones. "I don't even know [person], so I would prefer to spend my time doing things I enjoy and with the people I enjoy." Set an intention so you don't get caught in a spiral. "So, I'm going to take my dog for a walk instead." And then follow through. Be consistent about this routine whenever these feelings crop up.

Good luck!

Edited February 2, 2023 by hemogoblin

[illumi]

2 hours ago, alto said:

This is going to be an unpopular view...but I would call that a crush.

no. op clarified that they dont want a romantic relationship with the individual theyre attracted to so this could be a mesh or squish. they also said they think its not romantic attraction but platonic; which reinforces the statement of their feelings being a squish

[lotusflower]

If there is nothing romantic about the pull you're feeling towards them (they arent romantically interesting for you), then it's not romantic attraction. Attraction is abt how you're drawn to people, not your physical reponse to them.

[the more the merrier]

15 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

If someone points out you blushing, just own it! "Oh yeah, haha, I do that a lot. It's so annoying!" You don't even have to do it a lot, but now you've owned it...

It's all about the response! 🤘

[HelloThere]

I don’t really think it’s a crush, the reaction doesn’t determine your feelings, for example for like a day I thought I had a crush on this guy in my class (I’m a guy as well so that’s extra awkward because that didn’t feel right) and then I just realized that this wasn’t the symptoms of a crush, maybe not even a squish for all I know. I didn’t want romance, dating, none of that crap. I just wanted to be around this person because I found them interesting. XD

[alto]

This is going to be an unpopular view...but I would call that a crush.