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Deciding to Come Out (TW for aphobia)


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Before I knew I was aroace, I knew that if I was queer, I didn't want to "come out" in the traditional "sit everyone down for a big announcement" sense. I even said that if I was queer, I would just come home with my SO one day, and that would be how I came out. And after years of repressed thoughts, I realized I was aroace. And I just felt so free. The first people I wanted to tell were my parents.

But I really didn't want to have that announcement. So I decided to engineer it coming up in conversation. Plus, that way, I could "test the waters" and back out if need be. And it turned out that that did need to happen.

When I brought up I was doing a project on amatonormativity, my mother insisted it wasn't real. She said that people who don't want a single SO to marry and spend their lives with are "aberrations."

Months later, when I asked her to review my writing for the project, she again insisted that amatonormativity wasn't real, and that I should do my project on the etymology of the word instead. She kept saying that, even when I explained that doing so would not fit the requirements of the project (which was to make an argument, mine being that amatonormativity affects everyone). Eventually I gave up, at which point she talked at me for an hour (I was looking at the time) about how people without spouses die early.

Since then, I have, for the most part, been more clear about my stance on issues and refused to entertain inaccurate, harmful, or hateful comments about any topic. This has led to my mom commenting about how I'm going through a phase where I'm against relationships and gender roles.

Those instances cemented in me that I'm not coming out to my parents.

However, during college, I decided to come out publicly. I had been flirted with and my number asked for multiple times since the start of school, and the weight of people perceiving me like that was getting to me, as well as feeling like I had to hide it. So I put pins on my backpack and flags in my room. I still didn't tell my parents.

Recently, my mom had to undergo surgery. That, along with just being away from my parents more, made me realize that I really want them to know that I'm aroace. My dad has been in my room, though he hasn't said anything.

I just really want them to know this about me. I want them to ask me questions, and I want to answer them. I've accepted I'll probably have to deal with a few months of weird comments, and I'm okay with that. But I still don't want to come out. It has to be mentioned naturally, and it has to be in an appropriate situation.

Overall, it's just really frustrating, and kind of exhausting. Anyway, if you read this far, thanks.

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@Neon, I think so many of us here will be so sorry to hear this. Even in the midst of all of this conflict, it sounds like you’ve been developing such healthy boundaries, and I would love to borrow a light sprinkling of your confidence and assertion anytime. All the best for your mom’s recovery, and all the more for the hope that you can share this natural convo soon. :aroicecream:

 

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23 hours ago, whatistheromance said:

Is it alright if I use your idea about a project on amatonormativity?

Yep! I can send you the sources I used and some additional ones I've found since once I get some sleep. I would also be okay with sending you my outline, as well as some specific arguments for you to reference if you are interested.

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4 hours ago, Neon said:

Yep! I can send you the sources I used and some additional ones I've found since once I get some sleep. I would also be okay with sending you my outline, as well as some specific arguments for you to reference if you are interested.

That'd be great! Thank you very much.

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On 1/2/2023 at 8:57 AM, Neon said:

she talked at me for an hour (I was looking at the time) about how people without spouses die early.

Should I prepare my uncles funeral ? They already are old men so I guess early will come soon... Or already passed ? Anyway...

I don't really have advice, my parents are the only people I'm scared to come out. Sometimes I think that I would just let them know by a post on social media, or that I will just show up with an aromantic t-shirt or something like that. If you want to give them time to proceed all that before talking to them, a mail or sms saying this is your identity with some links they can read can be a good idea.

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5 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Should I prepare my uncles funeral ? They already are old men so I guess early will come soon... Or already passed ? Anyway...

I don't really have advice, my parents are the only people I'm scared to come out. Sometimes I think that I would just let them know by a post on social media, or that I will just show up with an aromantic t-shirt or something like that. If you want to give them time to proceed all that before talking to them, a mail or sms saying this is your identity with some links they can read can be a good idea.

I have a similar problem, but I'm aro-demisexual or perhaps aro-pansexual, not sure how to categorize the thing exactly. I've tried to explain it to them but isn't worked out, my mom wonders if I feel love for people or not... so yeah. It's not working so well for me lol.

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