is this a squish or a crush???

[Tinkere]

there’s this girl that i really like a lot, i’m pretty sure i have a squish on but i’m not completely sure if it might be a crush 

i’ve known of her since last year from school. basically i heard a few things about how she was really smart, which drew me into wanting to befriend her. (i don’t know why, intelligence REALLY attracts me) 

we didn’t have any classes together, so i decided to try and talk to her at lunch. for a few weeks i tried sitting at her table and becoming friends with her, but we didn’t really hit it off so i gave up.

this year, we have P.E. and english together, so i’ve been trying really hard to befriend her. i just admire her so much… i admire her intelligence, i admire her talents and skills in all sorts of things. she knows i exist and we talk sometimes, but we’re not super close. i just really really want to get closer and get to know her better. i get jealous when i see her talking to her other friends because i’m scared then she wouldn’t notice me. i don’t think i would want to date her at all, i just want her to notice im special, intelligent, and capable. i want to be an important person in her life… i just want to be around her all the time and learn about her 

i get nervous and jittery sometimes when i talk to her , which is typical “crushing behavior”, right ? but i don’t really want to date her or do anything sexual with her

looks aren’t even in the equation here; she’s not the most conventionally attractive person, but that’s literally the last thing i’m worried about. like, i see her  change in the locker room every day and that doesn’t really turn me on at all.

we’ve both established to each other that we’re aroace (she is as well) , but i just don’t know what i’m feeling…

i think it’s a squish, but i just like her so so much that i’m not really sure anymore… opinions?

[NotHeartless]

Sounds like a squish to me, too. Admiring someone, enjoying the time spent with them and want to get to know someone better almost desperately is a squish in my book.

[roboticanary]

What sort of relationship do you want to have with her?

I don't know what label your feeling towards this person falls best under, I doubt i could ever say that. Something that I find helpful is to look at what I want the result to be, rather than focusing on categorising those feelings. if you dont want to date but do want to get to know her, talk about her life and just spend time together that seems a more useful guide to what your feelings are than trying to divine whether this is a crush based on sometimes getting nervous.

[6EBeast]

I think @roboticanary has some pretty sound advice here. Ironically, my first inclination was precisely to post a label: sapiosexual. It's not commonly used to describe aroace squish attraction, but it seems to have some similarities with your draw to intelligence. So even if the label doesn't quite fit your you-ness, reading about it might still give some insights 🤷‍♂️

To reiterate what's been said and lean into the suggestion already given: it does sound like a squish to me, and I really like the idea of focusing on your goals rather than just labelling the attraction.

 

I am curious myself if this is the right piece of advice, so take the following with a big grain of salt, but maybe talk to her about your squish? Personally, I wouldn't use the word squish directly, but hey, maybe that's a common lingo you two would share.. More so what I mean is: express to her that you really admire her intelligence and want to hang out. Find truths (again leaning into the "what are your goals" bit) and express them to her. For example, if you really think you could learn from her or become wiser by hanging out with her... tell her that!

The reason I said to take all of that with a grain of salt: this is the kind of advice I would give to a person experiencing a crush. To tell the other person what they admire about them and some small preview of how they feel/where they want things to go. I admittedly have much less experience when the relationship is aroace, but am hopeful the advice is still sound ☺️

 

Regardless of what you do or don't: best of luck! My final note: despite the powerful draw you clearly have to her, you specifically said "we didn't really hit it off." I would err on the side of putting in enough effort that you can't look back and think "I never tried; oh, what if??" but also temper it with this thought: you will likely meet thousands of people in your lifetime, and very few of them will create a useful or fulfilling relationship. I get that in these moments, this relationship feels like such an achievement, but: maybe it isn't meant to be? Maybe there is little value in persuing something more grand with someone that you really didn't hit it off with anyway?

I have crushed on countless people in my time, and the most freeing of feelings is when I realize: it doesn't matter. If a feeling isn't reciprocated or a relationship (good, bad, or otherwise) comes to a close, I have come to realize: I have others and will have more to come.

Maybe there's some comfort in that, too. Maybe not 🙃 I really do wish you the best, though ☺️ Good Luck!

Edited September 7, 2022 by 6EBeast
used the wrong homophone (air instead of err)

[Ilikecats]

I just realized what a squish is and a lot of things make sense now.