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AHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! WHAT AM I FEELING??!??!?! AHHHHH!!!


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You know what...I honestly don't know feelings right now...I thought I didn't like them and I don't wanna like kiss 'em on the lips, cause that's nasty and I don't want to date them, but I really REALLY LOVE THEM!!! BUT THE PROBLEM IS I'M ALSO TOUCH STARVED so AHHHHHHHH!!!!! Also I would kiss all my friends good night if I could, but I'm demiplatonic so AHHHHHHH!!! I really only have to best friends at the moment and I love them so SO MUCH!!! I want them to be in my life but I also want to make more friends, but I need a connections and I want to have deeper relationships with my other friends. Also the one friend that I bring up, though not often...unless I do..FUCK...you see I was afraid that there was the possibility that they liked me...but thankfully they don't, but I dunno I guess want part of me still wants to fall in love, but not with them or anyone, cause kissing is gross (in the romantic/sexual sene at least for me), but then I'm also curious and it's really fucking me up...but then I dunno if I'm touch starved and stuff. Also I just I see them as a brother, so like HUH? Also I see my other bestie as a sister...and I would do the same things! WHAT AM I FEELING?! Is it alterous?? A SQUISH?! (Okay I'm starting to think it might cause dating (even platonically...would love to hang out with both of ma besties but they don't get along) just seems really tiring and sometimes it's really to decipher what I want from what society expects from me and sometimes I just wish I normal...and I think I'm probably just afraid of being lonely...well I am though so...AHHHHHHH). WHAT AM I GONNA DO???!! (also sorry for the cursing)

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Have you ever considered meditation? I meditate for 30 mins twice daily, and it does wonders. I won't claim it's a psych cure all, but it can seriously help. Here's a technique I like to use when I need to sort something out:

First, you need to pick a favorite position. I like to use Sukhasana. It doesn't have to be fancy, you can just sit in a chair if you like, with your back unsupported and your hips stable and preferably immobile. 

Next focus on your breathing. Deliberately draw in breath, hold it, let it out with control, hold. It will take a few rounds to find your rhythm. Just don't force it.

Once you have a good rhythm going, you can turn your attention to your thoughts. Try not to get attached to them, just let them come and go. 

Finally, recall what it is that you need to figure out. Let all the thoughts attached to it come up without getting attached to them. Just let them come and go. Whenever you find yourself getting to caught up in ideas or feelings back off and come back to your breathing. When you've regained calm and focus, try again.

You don't have to go long. 10 mins will be fine. Though I consider 15 to be optimal.

I hope this helps.

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Posted (edited)

I probably should meditate, as I always come to the same conclusion about how I feel about this friend, like they're my bestie...I just don't want other people to "ship us"...happened before...hated it...never again for as long as I live, so yeah. This did actually really help though...as I've realised I most likely have social anxiety...cause my palms are always sweaty...around literally everyone. I'm gonna give this a try though, but I'm certain those that I call my best friends are squishes (this was after just trying to breathe and have fun with some friends)...my head is a lil' bit more cleared as ma brain did not want to work earlier. Also I think sometimes I just wish I could fall in love or just feel something beyond friendship, but alas I cannot force myself or I'll be in a pretty bad mental state and just exhausted. I was able to realize last night (probs the morning...it was really late, but I was tired and did no look at the clock) was that I'm really just afraid to be alone (pretty sure I'm non-partnering at this point). I think the other part of it is also just amatonormativity just sometimes gets to me and well it you know, sucks. Thank you for your help as it was very much appreciated :)

Edited by piroshki101
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I'm happy to help. And if I may say so, it kind of sounds to me like self acceptance is the issue. Many years ago I took an interest in Buddhism following a friend's suicide (hence the meditation) and while I don't consider myself a Buddhist now, there were some things I got from it that I found to help. In particular the understanding that it isn't the conditions of our lives that cause our suffering, it's our desire for them to be different. At this time also I was struggling with lack of romance in my life, and this was long before there was an aro/ace community to turn to. One book I read by Surya Das (not to be confused with Ram Das) devoted a chapter to love that was a huge influence on me. In it he stated how he felt it was a mistake for society to teach us we are bereft of love simply for not having a romantic partner. That if we take the time to examine our lives, most of us would find we have much love in our lives from family and friends that is just as good. He also criticized the notion of "True Love" in true Buddhist fashion by examining it through the lense of impermanence. That first there is a high bar to clear, since no one can control who others are or how they feel. And even if you find your perfect Prince/Princess and live happily ever after, that only lasts until one of you dies. Then the remaining partner is left with their grief, wishing for them to still be there, tying it back in to how suffering is caused by attachment to our desires. Maybe this will give you something to consider also.

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