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Friendship ~ dump or get dumped


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So I used to be friends with this woman whom I met in high-school. When we were in college, she fell head over heels in love with some guy in her year and they got married. Everything was fine for a while, as far as our friendship was concerned. 
However, I was celebrating my 22nd birthday with her and a mutual friend, when she suddenly got a phone call from her husband. The guy was apparently feeling lonely in her absence and missing her like crazy (although they lived together, wtf) and she was acting like this was the most natural thing in the world (which kinda reminded me of the type of people who abandon everyone after finding their supposed soulmate *cough*), therefore I decided to delete her from my life a few months later (I simply unfriended her without any explanation). I did it out of pride, as in “I know where this is going, but I’m not going to let you be the first one to cut ties, I’ll snatch this opportunity before you do it yourself.” 
Thoughts?

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Did you, uh... Actually try to talk to her about how that made you feel? Cause like, I get it, I do. But unless there's some much deeper issue between the two of you, then I don't think randomly cutting off one of your friends without explanation makes you some defiant conqueror of amatonormativity, I think it just makes you kind of an asshole? Like, no offense, but while it was kind of a dick move of her to ditch your party (I'm assuming that's what she did since you didn't specify), but you have to understand that she was raised with spouse-first society. We all are. She might genuinely not have known what she did wrong, and without telling her why, how is she supposed to even apologize, let alone come to understand why that attitude is a problem?

And I mean, of course, it's your life. If you genuinely feel that ghosting her is the right thing for yourself, all the power to you. But I also kinda feel like 22 is old enough to learn to talk through conflicts like an adult.

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16 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Did you, uh... Actually try to talk to her about how that made you feel? Cause like, I get it, I do. But unless there's some much deeper issue between the two of you, then I don't think randomly cutting off one of your friends without explanation makes you some defiant conqueror of amatonormativity, I think it just makes you kind of an asshole? Like, no offense, but while it was kind of a dick move of her to ditch your party (I'm assuming that's what she did since you didn't specify), but you have to understand that she was raised with spouse-first society. We all are. She might genuinely not have known what she did wrong, and without telling her why, how is she supposed to even apologize, let alone come to understand why that attitude is a problem?

And I mean, of course, it's your life. If you genuinely feel that ghosting her is the right thing for yourself, all the power to you. But I also kinda feel like 22 is old enough to learn to talk through conflicts like an adult.

Well, I don’t think her philosophy is “spouse first”, but rather “spouse ONLY”. None of my other friends displayed this kind of behaviour, although they do have romantic partners. I did confront her about it and she threw something along the lines “you’ve never really been in love so you don’t get it”. Furthermore, she married this guy when we were 20 and for a while, she gave no sign that she is willing to drift away from everyone else. But then this bullshit - and of course, my 22nd birthday was the last time we talked because the following months she hadn’t contacted me (or the other woman, for that matter) once, which is why it was easy for me to realise where this was going. I don’t know, I might have been too asshole-ish but I wasn’t really sure what else to do. 

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On 8/16/2022 at 9:54 AM, Queen of Spades said:

Well, I don’t think her philosophy is “spouse first”, but rather “spouse ONLY”. None of my other friends displayed this kind of behaviour, although they do have romantic partners. I did confront her about it and she threw something along the lines “you’ve never really been in love so you don’t get it”. Furthermore, she married this guy when we were 20 and for a while, she gave no sign that she is willing to drift away from everyone else. But then this bullshit - and of course, my 22nd birthday was the last time we talked because the following months she hadn’t contacted me (or the other woman, for that matter) once, which is why it was easy for me to realise where this was going. I don’t know, I might have been too asshole-ish but I wasn’t really sure what else to do. 

I think with this additional context, ghosting her is more understandable, as it seems she was already ghosting you and you were not friends anymore. In fact you just made official something that already occured : the end of your friendship.

I'm sad for her though. If she ever get divorced, she'll be alone. Or worst, she won't be able to leave the relationship If she wants to cause she'll be scared of being alone. That is crazy to see what amatonormativity do to people.

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