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Confusing about labels :')


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Hi, im kinda lost in all the labels that fall under the aro-spec so maybe you guys could read this to help me a bit.

- I'm in my mid teens and I've only experienced one crush so far. But when my peers are talking about crushes they all seem to already have had several ones, which left me a bit confused. (That's why I feel like greyromantic fits be, because I experience it pretty infrequent compared to others + some other reasons but they aren't worth mentioning I guess) 

- so talking abt that crush: I felt drawn to them, wanted to talk with them ALOT, spend time with them, to be around them, thinking about them, but in reality, I never wanted to do anything "romantic" it's just, idk, not made for me I guess! But the feeling they gave me was just, so comfortable and happy/excitement. Like, I actually could be myself without having to be afraid that they'd judge me! 

- At some point, they even said that they wanted to live together with me when we would be both adults, that seemed quite cool to me, I was happy that someone finally saw me as such an option because they would mean they really cared about me and saw my as important, but I never thought about the romantic aspects (Like, that we should go on dates, kissing, hugs, "I love you" 's) I think I actually imagined a QPR. But later on that conversation, he said he didn't liked me, as far as I can remember, I was quite relieved as well. Because when he said that, I was already making these excuses to make sure I wouldn't get into a relationship like "yeah you live in another city, wouldn't work out" "yeah my parents don't allow me to date" (they would allow it lol)  "we only know each other via internet so wouldn't work" knowing pretty well it *could* work, just not for me cuz I absolutely didn't wanted a relationship even though I still liked them (but at that time, I'm not sure if it already turned into romantic feelings, talking about that topic was mainly because of curiosity as well) like in theory, yea maybe nice food for thought, but in reality, no thanks I'll pass. 

- during the time we were friends, they have had several girlfriends (from time to time)and I was always afraid that I was second choice the moment they started a new relationship. Especially when they were talking abt the fact how much happier their girlfriends made them feel. 

- at first I was jealous but they broke up quite soon after each relationship (cuz most ppl see romantic relationships as "more important") so I didn't saw it as anything important anymore, I was happy for them, and happy to help them get a girlfriend. I just wanted to be important to them yk. But still, I feel like there was always some sort of "competition" feeling when they had a girlfriend, like: I WANT TO BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR GF AND NOT BE SOME SECOND CHOICE" but I never really outted it. And tbh, I was always relieved when they broke up, means I can claim the #1 rank " favourite person" as before they got a girlfriend 

But they said they'd never like my in a romantic way, and still I felt kinda upset. I didn't wanted to be their partner but still this gave me the kinda "oh.." feeling, not anything sad but, just some sort of "oh.." cuz I'd never be as important as their partner.

- I never felt nervous thinking about them, near them or talking to them (well, they were my online friend so I couldn't be actually near them, but the times we called each other, everything felt just, normal?) But once we chatted, everything was just that happy feeling again. (Maybe a less intense crush??)

- however, this is why I think it's romantic, I actually had these romantic fantasies but there was something off about it. When I was fantasizing these things, the two of us was actually never "us". They were always looking different, appearance wise. Especially me, like I'd change my whole appearance in these fantasies so that it wouldn't look like me in any way. For my crush: they were actually faceless the whole time. The time I actually tried to imagine the real us, it felt so weird/unnatural/forced (Maybe that's aegoromantic??)

- Once, we wanted to prank someone by pretending we had an relationship. That was an absolute no no, it just felt so wrong. Also, they also accidentally used red heart emojis to me (which was in their opinion romantic) so I was kinda being like "UUUHM HOLD ON WHAT IS THIS?? YOU'RE DOING THIS WRONG??!!" (But that's maybe lithromantic?? But that doesn't add up to me reaction when they said they'd never like me romantically, right? Although I actually didn't wanted it he be returned as in, I confessed to them because things were so confusing and well I wanted to explain my frustrations cuz of these emotions, but at the end of the text I was literally like "but I absolutely don't want to do anything with it, and I don't want you to like me"

- I actually never really saw them as my "crush" I'd rather call them my best friend. Calling them my crush just feels a bit icky (maybe romance averse) 

- I wasn't sensually, sexually (I'm asexual) or aesthetically attracted to them. When most ppl talk about their crush, they can't stop talking about how pretty they are and how badly they want to hug or kiss that said person. I just cannot relate to any of that-

its quite difficult for me to make actual emotional connections with people, but with them, it just came off so naturally. So maybe they were my first best friend or well, how I label it now, my first time experiencing romantic attraction. But I feel like I'd really need an emotion connection first to ever like someone. Like, love at first sight seems so, unnatural to me, atleast in the way how it's portrayed in movies. But I can't say I was friends with them for a long time and THEN experiencing this, cuz this happend like 3 years ago and lasted like 1,5 years, so I cannot really remember the details. (So demi *could* maybe fit me, but I need to do some research anyway about primary Vs secondary attraction) 

- also, maybe worth mentioning. I was quite insecure about myself so maybe that's the reason why is was so busy with thinking about "I must be the most important" cuz I've heard that insecurity can cause a person to feel more attached to someone.

Sooo, that was all I had to tell. (Sorry for the whole wall of text, thankyou if you've read all of it) 

 

But yea, what label would you guys give me based on this and/or would you guys say this is romantic attraction or something else? 

 

 

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I'm not going to "give" you a label. That's a personal journey. However, I'd recommend skimming this: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/identity-terms

I wouldn't obsess to much over the perfect label. I tried to do that and ended up confusing myself and getting really frustrated. So I "gave up" and just called myself arospec. When I finally started calling myself aromantic (with the meaning of no romantic attraction rather than the spectrum meaning btw), it came about naturally, and I didn't realized I had started doing that until a bit after. I'd recommend that instead of agonizing over finding the exact right label(s) for however long.

Edited by Neon
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I wasn't much for dating in high school either. But I thought it had to do with my home life. I had an abusive step-father, my mother was in a cult, my brother kept getting trouble with the cops...you know, typical family drama!

My advice is be patient. It can take a really long time to get all your threads untangled. It sure did me, and a large part of that journey was done without the information that's available now. Also, labels can be helpful for getting your ideas organized, and giving a name to your experiences, but don't get too caught up with them. And don't feel like you're a "fake" if you end up picking a new word for what you are. It's just a way to think about yourself, it's not going on your driver's license! 

Hope this helps.

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23 hours ago, Neon said:

I'm not going to "give" you a label. That's a personal journey. However, I'd recommend skimming this: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/identity-terms

I wouldn't obsess to much over the perfect label. I tried to do that and ended up confusing myself and getting really frustrated. So I "gave up" and just called myself arospec. When I finally started calling myself aromantic (with the meaning of no romantic attraction rather than the spectrum meaning btw), it came about naturally, and I didn't realized I had started doing that until a bit after. I'd recommend that instead of agonizing over finding the exact right label(s) for however long.

Thank you for the link of the website, I'll definitely take a look on it! The thing is, I hate uncertainty so that's why I always feel the need to label things aha, but I think you're right and I'll follow your advice. So, thankyou :)

22 hours ago, The Gray Warlock said:

I wasn't much for dating in high school either. But I thought it had to do with my home life. I had an abusive step-father, my mother was in a cult, my brother kept getting trouble with the cops...you know, typical family drama!

My advice is be patient. It can take a really long time to get all your threads untangled. It sure did me, and a large part of that journey was done without the information that's available now. Also, labels can be helpful for getting your ideas organized, and giving a name to your experiences, but don't get too caught up with them. And don't feel like you're a "fake" if you end up picking a new word for what you are. It's just a way to think about yourself, it's not going on your driver's license! 

Hope this helps.

Thank you for your response, it is really helpful :) 

Also thank you for saying "and don't feel like you're a "fake" if you end up picking another label" cuz Im in fact kinda scared that ppl will think that if I'd change labels, so thankyou for telling me that im not, gives me a bit more confidence! 

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I don't use micro labels myself because I don't feel like they're useful to me. If you find a label that fits with you that's great, but if none feels right it's fine to just say you're aromantic or even don't call yourself anything just say you don't want to date ATM. Remember you're experience is valid even if you don't have an exact name for it.

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