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I have a crush on an aroace. What do I do?


Guest RenaissanceCroissant
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Guest RenaissanceCroissant

There’s this girl at my school that I met a while ago, and I really have a crush on her. We’re pretty good friends, and she genuinely seems to enjoy the time we spend together, but I think she’s actually aroace… At school, she wears two bracelets that seem to be aro and ace colors respectively, her spotify profile picture has a character with an aromantic flag behind it, and she’s made hints that she finds romance /having children useless. I’ve asked her and another friend to spend time together, and she did end up coming with us, but I know she’ll never feel the same way for me. What am I supposed to do? I understand that she’s aroace, but it’s just hard to lose feelings for her.

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Sounds like it's pretty difficult for you, so I sympathise. It also sounds like she does identify with the aspec community, but perhaps that's a question you might ask her if you feel it's appropriate to do so.

What I can say is that if you are a person who wants romance & romantic intimacy, even if you were to date an aro person, it may be that you won't get what you need from the relationship. I understand it's hard to give up on something or someone you feel strongly about. But chances are, the relationship you are imagining wouldn't fully realise even if she might agree to give it a try, & that could hurt you both. I know from experience, on the aro side, it's hard to hurt someone you care about because they don't understand why you just don't love them the way they want. It's not something we can fake.

I know it's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason. Communication is key. Both with potential partners, but also with yourself. Put your energies into finding someone who wants to build something with you, and you'll be much happier!

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Hey hey, I understand. I have feelings for a friend of mine who is unavailable (she's married, for one). I've had feelings for her for several years now tbh. Being aro-spec, it didn't bother me all that much that I could never be with her, until a couple years back when I actually became depressed over that fact and I was just a little bit envious of her partner. 
My feelings are still there, honestly. But we're still friends, and close friends at that. She doesn't know that I have feelings for her, or at least I don't believe she knows. There have been occasional times that she teases about us being a couple. I don't plan to ever tell her, nor do I ever plan to pursue her. I've learned and am learning to be content with her friendship, and to treasure what we do have.

I wouldn't try to pursue her, since you already have an idea what she wants. Most crushes do fade with time, though, so give it time.

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Do keep in mind, there are many different kinds of aros, as well as aces. She might still be interested but, even if that were the case, things might not be the ways you'd want them to be. I know that must be frustrating but, if you do indeed want very different things from life, probably best not to try dating her to begin with. Who knows, though. Maybe try just asking her what she wants from life?

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