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Hurt and confused


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Guest Basic

I met and formed a friendship with someone and eventually I fell for her. Then she fell me so she said. She would tell me that she's got a huge crush on me and is deeply in love with me. We got together and at first it was great. Then she started pulling away from me and not meeting my romantic needs. After some time however, she told me that she realized she is actually aromantic. The thing is, she says she still loves me in romantic way and wants a romantic relationship with me. But I ask for certain things to be done and she just kinda shrugs them off. I feel like I was tricked yet again and made a fool of and unworthy of ever being loved properly. But I love her with all of my heart and want to be with her and make this relationship work. Why would she tell me that she's aro but then say that she loves me in a romantic way??

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well she (you used she/her so I assume those are her pronouns) may be on the aromantic spectrum, she is probably figuring some things out including her identity. everyone is worthy of love it may it be platonic or romantic. the most important aspect of any relationship is to communicate I suggest you talk to her.

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A few thoughts.

Firstly, to answer your question: there are some grey areas between romantic and aromantic, so it is possible she is some form of grey aro, perhaps having some romantic desire for you but not as most people would experience. Or she could still be figuring things out, not sure how long it has been since she told you she was aro but it took me quite a few months to get from learning the idea to being comfortable with my identity. I don't think she is deliberately trying to trick you.

Secondly, have you told her how you feel about those things not being done. If those are dealbreakers for you then she should certainly be aware of that. Make it clear that shrugging that off is not something you are fine with.

Thirdly, one person not meeting your needs makes you feel 'unworthy of ever being loved properly'. I don't know your situation, but if that is really how you feel then you probably need some form of support that a forum like this cannot provide, that is absolutely not a healthy way to think about your life. At the very least remember that you are worthy of being loved and you do deserve to be able to build the sort of relationship you are looking for. I understand for a lot of people being in a relationship that does not seem to be working brings on intense feelings of sadness and pessimism but for your own sake you should try to find a way out of that attitude.

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Seems like she's trying to figure herself out. I'm not aroflux but I do sometimes get short-lived bursts of affectionate feelings and they can be pretty confusing for me- what she's going through sounds more intense, if it was enough for her to say that she's in love with you.

You guys should sit down and talk about it if you haven't already. Tell her how this is making you feel and what your romantic needs are, talk about her boundaries and what she is and isn't comfortable doing. It might be helpful to make a checklist of actions that each of you can fill out; the QPR Checklist is a good example.

It might also be a good idea to pump the breaks on the relationship. It sounds like you aren't feeling very fulfilled, and it's possible that she just isn't able to meet your needs.

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Guest Basic
22 hours ago, Jackson_Glass said:

well she (you used she/her so I assume those are her pronouns) may be on the aromantic spectrum, she is probably figuring some things out including her identity. everyone is worthy of love it may it be platonic or romantic. the most important aspect of any relationship is to communicate I suggest you talk to her.

 

22 hours ago, Bumble_Bee_ said:

Yeah, like I'm aroflux, which means my romantic orientation fluctuates, but mainly stays near or specifically aromantic. I usually just tell people I'm aroace to make it easier than explaining sometimes

 

21 hours ago, roboticanary said:

A few thoughts.

Firstly, to answer your question: there are some grey areas between romantic and aromantic, so it is possible she is some form of grey aro, perhaps having some romantic desire for you but not as most people would experience. Or she could still be figuring things out, not sure how long it has been since she told you she was aro but it took me quite a few months to get from learning the idea to being comfortable with my identity. I don't think she is deliberately trying to trick you.

Secondly, have you told her how you feel about those things not being done. If those are dealbreakers for you then she should certainly be aware of that. Make it clear that shrugging that off is not something you are fine with.

Thirdly, one person not meeting your needs makes you feel 'unworthy of ever being loved properly'. I don't know your situation, but if that is really how you feel then you probably need some form of support that a forum like this cannot provide, that is absolutely not a healthy way to think about your life. At the very least remember that you are worthy of being loved and you do deserve to be able to build the sort of relationship you are looking for. I understand for a lot of people being in a relationship that does not seem to be working brings on intense feelings of sadness and pessimism but for your own sake you should try to find a way out of that attitude.

 

2 hours ago, Apex said:

Seems like she's trying to figure herself out. I'm not aroflux but I do sometimes get short-lived bursts of affectionate feelings and they can be pretty confusing for me- what she's going through sounds more intense, if it was enough for her to say that she's in love with you.

You guys should sit down and talk about it if you haven't already. Tell her how this is making you feel and what your romantic needs are, talk about her boundaries and what she is and isn't comfortable doing. It might be helpful to make a checklist of actions that each of you can fill out; the QPR Checklist is a good example.

It might also be a good idea to pump the breaks on the relationship. It sounds like you aren't feeling very fulfilled, and it's possible that she just isn't able to meet your needs.

 

 

So after talking with her, I guess she's technically aroflux or something like that because she didn't form romantic feelings until and we started talking and I showed I was actually serious about her and wasn't going to hurt her like many other people have. Also her being depressed and ASD play into how she feels and shows affection, which I knew but it still hurts be brushed aside. And I know that limerence doesn't last and i don't care if it does and I'm grey romantic, but I went into this for a romantic relationship with her not a qpr because she was one of the few people I fell for. I know that platonic feelings are very important for any relationship as well. After all the bullying from past crushes and being in an abusive relationship, I finally found someone who loved me but now it's confusing how "I love you in a romantic way but I'm also aromantic but I want a romantic relationship with you" but I know romantic relationships aren't the most important thing in life. I also don't want to invalidate her identity and not be supportive of her and it makes her sad because I'm upset and confused so her being sad makes me feel worse. We don't want to leave each other and realize this is gonna have to take effort but it doesn't make it any less hard. Sorry for the ramble, I'm just an emotional mess

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On 1/20/2022 at 5:38 PM, Guest Basic said:

Sorry for the ramble, I'm just an emotional mess

No worries, you are trying to work out a relationship and it is going to be difficult.

You have done a very good thing in coming here and asking aros for feedback on what is a very personal subject. 

Hope things go well for you.

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1 hour ago, Guest Basic said:

Sorry for the ramble, I'm just an emotional mess

that's ok, I being a teenager know fully well what that is like (probably in a slightly different manner but still) it's good to let things out sometimes :D

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Maybe instead of focusing on labeling your relationship you could each describe to each other what relationship you desire. When you Guest basic write you want a romantic relationship, what does that mean? How does it differ from a qpr for you. These things can differ from person to person.

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