Is it bad to feel good after you reject someone?

[Guest guestoliver1]

I already feel bad for rejecting people who are romantically attracted to me. I know I'm intentionally hurting their feelings. Rejection comes in all forms and it can hurt. I feel so guilty that I can't return their feelings or like them in the way they like me. I feel guilty that I can't force myself to be romantically attracted to these people (It's really hard to talk about it to people in my life because they don't seem to understand. It's like everyone is obsessed with dating, boyfriends/girlfriends/romantic partners, whatever), and my friends have even questioned why I don't like these people back despite being pretty nice people. One of them even joked that I'm such a heartbreaker. I've even tried to force myself to like someone romantically a long time ago, and this person said that they would wait for my answer. For a week, I thought of all of the reasons why my friend would make a good partner, that logically I should say yes. I felt like it was something I was just supposed to do, that I should be loving this person. But I said no. Apparently, it wasn't the correct answer because they suddenly went from that nice friend to an emotional guilt-tripper that tried to force me to take responsibility for their emotions, just because I didn't like them romantically. It left me feeling even more guilty about myself, about my lack of romantic attraction, more fearful of people getting feelings for me, and newfound resentment towards the "alloromantics," as they are called (I'm still trying to familiarize myself with all of this terminology, hah. It's so new to me, but I'm just so... starstruck? I never knew I needed this website before, and it's so comforting to see people describing my feelings towards romance here, because I would have never been able to put it into words on my own). I feel guilty for taking away part of someone's happiness. Of course, eventually, they'll get over it, but it still doesn't make me feel less guilty.

Recently, I've been feeling less guilty about rejecting people, which in turn makes me more guilty. I feel less and more guilty at the same time, I don't know. Anyway, I just feel so good when I reject someone, especially if it feels like they're just being friendly with me because they're attracted to me. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank god, I can move on with my life and not worry about having to unintentionally hurt this person emotionally in the future. Thank god, they will stop talking to me because they never wanted my friendship in the first place, and I can find other people who actually wants to be friends with me, and not try to date or fuck me. But at the same time, it makes me feel guilty, to feel good. To think "good riddance" or "what a relief." I feel like I'm being cold or unemotional or insensitive towards these people. It makes me question myself. Should I really be feeling good about rejecting someone, which equates to hurting someone?

TL;DR I feel like I should feel more guilty about rejecting people who are romantically attracted to me because I'm hurting their feelings, but I feel more relieved instead. Is it wrong to feel this way? 

[Jedi]

This whole issue in the first part centers around the feeling that when someone has romantic feelings for you, they're owed having those feelings returned. They don't. No one does. You can't control who you have or don't have romantic feelings for, no one can. Alloromantics are allowed to turn people down when there are not interested too. Whether this is most people (as in the case of regular allos) or all people (as is the case when you're aro) is not really important. You say you hurt peoples feelings intentionally, but it is no ones fault when one person is in love and the other person isn't. Painful sure, but that's just life. You don't take away someones happiness, you never belonged to them in the first place. Sure, they want something, and they think you can give it to them. But you can't, so that's that.

To me, it sounds like your current view is a bit more balanced than the old one, honestly. It is not wrong to feel a kind of relief when you have established that you are not available for dating. Means everyone is on the same page and can move on from there. If there is a feeling I would be concerned about, it would be the resentment you say you have to alloromantic people now. The person who tried to guilt trip you into a relationship was a piece of shit. They reacted to rejection with immaturity and entitlement and I am sorry you had to deal with that. I don't think it should be pinned on other people who might have an interest in you though. It is not their fault they like you like that. They can't help it any more than you can. So yes, the best thing you can do is offer a polite rejection and wish them well in future endeavors. If you can do this without guilt, that is good! And hopefully, you will still have a friend there once they've had the time to lick their wounds a bit.

 

[Holmbo]

@JediTotally agree. The first part also stems from the idea that romance is a superior relationship to other ones. This is very common in our current cultures but it doesn't need to be that way. If we see friendship as the superior relationship the persons could in fact be rejecting you Guestoliver. If the situation is one where you're offering friendship and they want romantic relationship.

[DeltaAro]

It doesn’t make them feel better about their rejection if you feel guilty, too.

[roboticanary]

No need to feel guilty for doing something that is not in any way immoral and you believe makes your life better.

I understand that feeling of guilt as though you are letting someone down, certainly with the social consequences people can face if it becomes known they have been rejected.

If you genuinely believe that these people are only in it for a romantic/sexual relationship and would not interact with you once they know you aren't interested in that is a problem with them, not you. That is good self defense from people who don't care about you. Same if they try to guilt trip you, you avoided a relationship with that person.

[Guest Sol]

It's perfectly okay to feel good when rejecting someone. You don't owe anyone a romantic relationship.