Unsure if aro, mostly just rambling

[orangesherbet]

like the title says, I'm not really sure if I'm aromantic or not? it's kind of late at night while I'm writing so please excuse any slip ups

pretty much, I've recently entered my third relationship. i thought i was ready to be in a romantic relationship this time (thought i just wasn't prepared enough emotionally before) but it just feels like the ones before? my partners wonderful, and i love hanging out with them, but any time they refer to me in a romantic kind of way i just feel...upset. like it doesn't sit right in my stomach.

this happened the two other times before, and now it's got me wondering if I'm actually just aromantic? each time, this most recent one included, i thought i had a crush on these people but in hindsight i think i just wanted to be their friend more?? it's confusing

im thinking about talking to my partner about it, and maybe bringing up the idea of being a qpr rather than a strictly romantic relationship. it just feels better in my mind, i think

 

sorry for the rambling, though! if anyone has any advice from their own experiences, id love to hear it. figuring out romantic attraction is,,,hard

 

[roboticanary]

See how you feel.

Whether or not you are aromantic if someone you are with does things that make you feel not right it is best if you talk that out with them. Even people who absolutely are romantic can have phrases which they prefer partners not to use or actions that don't sit right with them. It is something you need to discuss if you want to feel comfortable in a relationship.

If trying to make some sort of qpr with that person seems better to you then give it a go. You might be aro and that feeling that a lot of what you thought were crushes look more like friendships is an experience a lot of aros have.

[Blake]

I won't enter much into feelings since those vary from person to person. What I will say is that boundaries should exist in every relationship, romantic/platonic/etc. If something doesnt feel right, say it and look for a substitute. If you want space, say it. Ice cream craving? Go ahead and say it and maybe you'll get lucky ^^. 

If you question what you are, then do it all the way. Dissect ypur thoughts, feelings. Why you feel that way, was it because of someone said it? An action someone did?. Is there a correlation between your past relationships that have a common variable (besides you as a person). Why did your past relstionships failed? Did they blame you or did you blame yourself? And so on. Ask yourself questions and try to look for the possibilities. Only you hold the answers, we can help you by relating our stories but thats about it.

My past relationship blamed me for the breakup, and I take the blame because I knew that there wasn't a future the way things went. Maybe I could have modified myself and save it, but i didn't because changing who I am is not something I will do for anyone. You either take me whole or nothing at all. I can do happy mediums on some things, but if you want to change my core, that ain't gonna happen. This is to say that you should be yourself, do not let anyone define who you are as an individual. If someone wants you, they will make you see it, and if not, then why be with someone that doesn't appreciate you?

 

[Just a Bear]

I'm also not sure if I'm aromantic or alloromantic. I definitely feel liking for people, but, I think that liking is alterous feelings. 

 

I think really you have to kind of "know" whether your feelings are romantic or not.

 

I think romantic attraction is a complex and individual emotional attraction where you want to get to know someone and be close with someone and befriend them, but it has an extra element beyond that that develops into desire for a romantic tie to them, and/or romantic intimacy with them. 

 

Not everyone alloromantic all want the same thing, everyone has different desires and likes and comforts in a romantic relationship. So not liking some things is only a dead giveaway if you never like anything romantic, if you like some things (like holding hands) but not other things, that won't be enough to tell the difference between romantic and platonic feelings. 

ultimately platonic feelings that don't evolve into romantic feelings and desires would be a mark of being aro, platonic feelings are only a desire to befriend someone and there's nothing extra to the feelings than that. With romantic feelings you might feel the person is special, or desire intimacy with them not found in a friendship, among other things. something that makes your feelings for the person not just the desire for friendship, but for something more than friendship. 

 

I know a lot of aromantic people feel like "more than friendship" is cringe and devalues friendship, but as far as I can tell, that is what makes your feelings romantic, that there is something more or extra that isn't found in friendship. to a romantic person, a romantic relationship is exactly more than just friends. 

Edited September 16, 2021 by Ashe.