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Questioning if I am aromantic/asexual (help pls)


Onionman
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So I am new here, I just found this site and was hoping that maybe I could be able to figure out if I am aromantic/asexual. For a while I have always thought I was different from most people my age, and people I knew, since I never had any crushes growing up and felt like I didn't like boys or girls since I was a child, so I never really felt like I fitted in with the other kids. I'm 16 now and still haven't had a crush and I don't know if I even want to. However one of my problems is that I do feel "crushes" over fictional characters (mostly just male characters), but I have only felt that way for fictional characters (by fictional I mean like cartoon or game characters, I've never felt anything for live-action type shows where an actor is playing a character). I feel like this might be because I am able to make up a personality that I like if it's fiction? I'm not sure. This also is the same for my sexual attraction, where I've only felt it strictly towards fictional characters.

But when I think about having a  future romantic/sexual relationship, I feel nervous and anxious. I don't exactly have a desire for having any of these but sometimes I do want to have someone that will love me and I love back, however I'm not sure if I really want that or If I want something I can't have.  This is all something hard for me to understand and explain and The fact that I suck at writing doesn't really help either.  But this isn't the first time I think I might be/have something and can't really figure out if I have it or not, before it was stuff like researching so much about depression, anxiety, now autism, (none of this is diagnosed though since I'm kinda too scared to ask for any help), Stuff like that but I feel like this is somewhat different because most people I know don't relate, which makes it so much harder for me to really know what I am feeling. I also just find it very hard to talk to people about how I feel (which includes this of course but I feel safer knowing that I am not talking to anyone I know and it's with people that might understand), and since I only found out about aromantic people a couple of months ago,  I still do not really know much about it. Before I only knew about asexuality, but at the time I was using it as a term to say I didn't have romantic/sexual feelings for others and was also using it as a way to dismiss others when they asked me questions about things like "what's your type? what gender do you like?" and just "girl talk" stuff because all of it made me really uncomfortable. So then eventually I learned what asexuality really was and then I heard of aromanticism (i'm sorry I'm not sure if I spelt that right or if it's a real word), and then I started believing I wasn't actually asexual but aromantic. So of course I changed labels (well more of I unlabelled myself),  but I'm still confused on whether I should use the aromantic label.

And to continue my story after focusing so much time on learning about aro stuff and if I am it, I also felt again, that maybe I am still right about being asexual aswell. Like I still think I am asexual but not to the extent where I am repulsed by sex like many asexuals are. So now here I am still questioning if I'm aro/ace, or If I just haven't met the right person.  

 

Also just to change topics so I can ask a question that's been on my mind for a while, but I have never seen romantic love (and thankfully sexual love) take place between my parents or grandparents. My parents hate each other so much but we are poor so they can't get a divorce. which of course is very hard for me because I grew up watching them fight all the time (reasons to why I was researching depression stuff lol). And my grandparents are from Iraq and have an arranged marriage. They don't fight or anything but I have never seen them discuss things and do things together like a normal couple would do. (Both my parents and grandparents don't share a bed or room together for example.) This all makes me believe that maybe part of why I think I am aromantic is because I might have just grown up thinking that "this is the norm, and that I don't want to be in a relationship if it's going to be like this" but at the same time I also never felt any romantic feelings for real people in general (like I said up above) so i'm not sure if this is related or not.

 

also sorry this is so long, I know my writing is terrible too and I definitely made a lot of grammatic mistakes, english has never been a strong subject for me , so i'm not really sure how readable this is.  Hopefully I did ok though and it's still readable.  If someone can relate to this and answer some of my questions and stuff I would appreciate it a lot (especially about the fictional character crushes stuff) . Thank you in advance.

I also again, are new here so i'm not quite sure how this site works. I'm hoping though that I put this in the right topic place and that people can see it.

 

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I don't think your writing is terrible, at least I am French and I understood everything.

I heard the terms "fictoromantic" for people who are only romantically attracted to fictional characters. I think you can identify with it if you feel like so, though aromantic can also work. For what you say, it seems you could be on the aromantic spectrum.

I am aro ace. I never had a crush. Luckily people never asked me what my type was, but if they did I would have been unable to answer. When I was your age, I didn't know if I liked boys or girls, so having a type? I couldn't.

 

Also not related but if you think you have depression, it is better to seek help even if it can be very hard to open about such things. I know it first hand. It is very hard to feel depressive thoughts alone, and they don't go away when we do nothing about it. But it goes better when treated.

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For a start, your writing is fine. I used to do that whole thing of apologising for terrible writing and saying it was full of mistakes but looking back it was mainly just my mental state meaning I never believed it was any good. You write well.

As for your question about whether your parents/grandparents relationship may have anything to do with it. Possibly but if that were the cause i'm not sure that would stop you feeling the attraction. From what I gather people feel romantic attraction even if they have families like that and even if they themselves have been in bad relationships.

The thing with that though is to ask if it matters to you whether that is a part of it. If you don't desire a romantic relationship then you don't desire one and that is made no more or less valid if it is because of what your parents were like.

The big question is how you want to live your life. I can't tell you whether you should identify as aromantic or asexual but ask yourself if you would like your future to have romantic or sexual relationships in it. If not work out what you do want, what you are comfortable with and aim for that. There are plenty of resources around detailing some of the ways aromantic people build their lives here so have a look around and see what you would prefer.

Similar thoughts with the crushes for fictional characters. That doesn't make identifying as aromantic any less valid. 

Lastly, as nonmerci said. Getting help with that depression is a good idea. At the very least if you can get it then having advice from someone who has experience with mental health and can meet and talk to you will likely be a lot better than trying to self diagnose on the Internet. 

 

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